Ah, well! I hardly thought you

So absolute a fool.

First learn to be spasmodic-
A very simple rule.

"For first you write a sentence,
And then you chop it small;
Then mix the bits, and sort them out
Just as they chance to fall:
The order of the phrases makes
No difference at all.

"Then, if you'd be impressive,
Remember what I say,
That abstract qualities begin

With capitals alway:

The True, the Good, the BeautifulThose are the things that pay!

"Next, when you are describing
A shape, or sound, or tint;
Don't state the matter plainly,
But put it in a hint;

And learn to look at all things

With a sort of mental squint."

"For instance, if I wished, Sir, Of mutton-pies to tell,

Should I say 'dreams of fleecy flocks Pent in a wheaten cell'?"

"Why, yes," the old man said: "that phrase

Would answer very well.

"Then fourthly, there are epithets
That suit with any word-

As well as Harvey's Reading Sauce
With fish, or flesh, or bird-

Of these, 'wild,' 'lonely,' 'weary,' 'strange,'
Are much to be preferred."

"And will it do, O will it do

To take them in a lump

As 'the wild man went his weary way
To a strange and lonely pump'?"
"Nay, nay! You must not hastily
To such conclusions jump.

"Such epithets, like pepper,

Give zest to what you write;
And, if you strew them sparely,
They whet the appetite:

But if you lay them on too thick,
You spoil the matter quite!

"Last, as to the arrangement:
Your reader, you should show him,
Must take what information he
Can get, and look for no im-
mature disclosure of the drift

And purpose of your poem.

"Therefore, to test his patience

How much he can endureMention no places, names, or dates,

And evermore be sure Throughout the poem to be found. Consistently obscure.

"First fix upon the limit.

To which it shall extend: Then fill it up with 'Padding' (Beg some of any friend): Your great SENSATION-STANZA You place towards the end."

"And what is a Sensation,
Grandfather, tell me, pray?

I think I never heard the word
So used before to-day:
Be kind enough to mention one
'Exempli gratia.'"

And the old man, looking sadly
Across the garden-lawn,
Where here and there a dew-drop

Yet glittered in the dawn,

Said "Go to the Adelphi,

And see the 'Colleen Bawn.'

"The word is due to Boucicault

The theory is his,

Where Life becomes a Spasm,
And History a Whiz:
If that is not Sensation,
I don't know what it is.

"Now try your hand, ere Fancy
Have lost its present glow-
"And then," his grandson added,
"We'll publish it, you know:
Green cloth-gold-lettered at the back-
In duodecimo!"

Then proudly smiled that old man

To see the eager lad

Rush madly for his pen and ink

And for his blotting-pad—

But, when he thought of publishing,

His face grew stern and sad.

THE AMATEUR BARD ON WOMAN 1

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

In this imperfect, gloomy scene

Of complicated ill,

How rarely is a day serene,

The throbbing bosom still!

1

1 This composition secured honorable mention, 1923, in a symposium on the world's worst poems.

Will not a beauteous landscape bright

Or music's soothing sound, Console the heart, afford delight,

And throw sweet peace around? They may; but never comfort lend Like an accomplished female friend!

With such a friend the social hour
In sweetest pleasure glides;
There is, in female charms, a power
Which lastingly abides;

The fragrance of the blushing rose,
Its tints and splendid hue,
Will, with the seasons, decompose,
And pass as flitting dew;

On firmer ties his joys depend.
Who has a faithful female friend!

As orbs revolve, and years recede,
And seasons onward roll,
The fancy may on beauties feed
With discontented soul;

A thousand objects bright and fair
May for a moment shine,
Yet many a sigh and many a tear
But mark their swift decline;
While lasting joys the man attend
Who has a polished female friend!