Зображення сторінки


for drink, eats nothing at all. Then her legs are physician to some purpose-Come hider, shild, swelled up as big as a good handsome post; and leta me feela your pulse. as cold they be as a stone.

Dor. What have you to do with my pulse? Gre. Come, to the purpose ; speak to the pur- Gre. I am de French physicion, my dear, and pose, my friend.

I am to feela de pulse of de pation, [Holding out his hand. Dor. Yes, but I am no pation, sir; nor want Davy. The purpose is, sir, that I am come to no physician, good doctor Ragou. ask what your worship pleases to have done with Gre. Begar, you must be puta to-bed, and her.

taka de peel; me sal give you de little peel dat Gre. Psha, psha, psha! I don't understand one sal cure you, as you have more distempre den word what you mean.

evere were hered off

.. James. His wife is sick, doctor; and he has Dor. What's the matter with the fool? If you brought you a guinea for your advice. Give it feel my pulse any more, I shall feel your ears for the doctor, friend.

[Davy gives the guinea. Gre. Begar, you must taka de peel. Gre. Av, now I understand you; here's a gen- Dor. Begar, I shall not taka de peel. tleman explains the case. You say your wife is Gre. I'll take this opportunity to try her.sick of the dropsy?

| Aside.)-Maye dear, if you will not letta me Davy. Yes, an't please your worship.

cura you, you sala cura me; you sall be my phyGre. Well, I have made a shift to comprehend sicion, and I will give you de fee. your meaning at last: you have the strangest way

(Holds out a purse. of describing a distemper. You say your wife is Dor. Ay, my stomach does not go against always calling for drink : let her have as much as those pills; and what must I do for your fee? she desires; she can't drink too much ; and, d'ye Gre. 0, begar! me vill show you; me villa hear, give her this piece of cheese.

teacha you what you sal doe; you must come Davy. Cheese, sir !

kissa me now, you must come kissa me now. Gre. Ay, cheese, sir. The cheese, of which Dor. [Kisses him.)-As I live, my very hang this is a part, has cured more people of a dropsy dog! I've discovered him in good time, or he than ever had it.

had discovered mc-[Aside.)-- Well, doctor, and Dary. I give your worship a thousand thanks; are you cured now? I'll go make her take it imniediately.

Gre. I shall make myself a cuckold presently

[Erit Davy. Aside.}Dis is not a proper place, dis is too Gre. Go; and if she dies, be sure to bury her public; for sud any one pass by while I taka dis after the best manner you can.

pbisic, it vill preventa de opperation.

Dor. What physic, doctor?
Gre. In your ear, dat.


Dor. And in your ear dat, sirrah. – [Hitting Dor. I'm like to pay severely for my frolic, if hem a bor.)- Do you dare affront my virtue, you I have lost my husband by it.

villain! D'ye think the world should bribe me to Gre. O physic and matrimony! My wife ! part with my virtue, my dear virtue! There, take

Dor. For, though the rogue used me a little your purse again. roughly, he was as good a workman as any in five Gre. But where's the gold? miles of his head.

Dor. The gold I'll keep, as an eternal monu

ment of my virtue. AIR.- Thomas, I cannot.

Gre. O what a happy dog am I, to find my

wife so virtuous a woman when I least expected A fig for the dainty civil spouse,

it! Oh, my injured dear! Behold your Gregory, Who's bred at the court of France;

your own husband ! He treats his wife with smiles and bows,

Dor. Ha!
And minds not the good main-chance, Gre. O me! I'm so full of joy, I cannot tell
Be Gregory

thee more than that I am as much the happiest The man for me,

of men, as thou art the most virtuous of woThough given to many a maggot:

men! For he would work

Dor. And art thou really my Gregory! And Like any Turk;

hast thou any more of these purses? None like him 'e'er handled a faggot, a faggot, Gre. No, my dear, I have no more about me; None like him e'er handled a faggot ! bit'tis probable, in a few days, I may have a

hundred; for the strangest accident has happenGre. What evil stars, in the devil's name, have led to me! sent her hither? If I could but persuade her t Dor. Yes, my dear; but I can tell you whom take a pill or two that I'd give her, I should be a you are obliged to for that accident: had you

Would you

not beaten me this morning, I had never had you | apothecary, as I'm a physician; and, if you bearen into a physician.

please, I'll convey you to the patient. Gre. Oh, oh! then 'tis to you I owe all that Lean. If I did but know a few physical hard drubbing?

wordsDor. Yes, my dear; though I little dreamt of Gre. A few physical hard words! Why, in a the consequence.

few hard words consists the science. Gre. How infinitely I'm obliged to thee! But know as much as the whole faculty in an instant, bush!

sir? Come alony, coine along! Hold; the docEnter HELLEBORE. tor inust always go before the apothecary.

(Ereunt. Hel. Are not you the great doctor just come to this town, so famous for curing dumbness?

SCENE III.-SIR Jasper's house. Gre. Sir, I am he.

Hel. Then, sir, I should be glad of your ad- Enter Sir JASPER, CHARLOTTE, and Maid. vice. Gre. Let me feel your pulse.

Sir Jas. Has she made no attempt to speak, Hel. Not for myself, good doctor; I am, mv- yet? self, sir, a brother of the faculty, what the world Maid. Not in the least, sir; so far from it, calls a mad doctor. I have at present under my that, as she used to make a sort of noise before, care a patient, whom I can by no means prevail she is now quite silent. with to speak.

Sir Jas. Looking on his watch.]—'Tis almost Gre. I shall make him speak, sir.

the time the doctor promised to return-Oh, he Hel. It will adu, sir, to the great reputation is here! Doctor, your servant. you bave already acquired; and I am happy in finding you.

Enter GREGORY and LEANDER. Gre. Sir, I am as happy in finding you.—[Taking him aside.}-You see that woman, there? Gre. Well sir, how does my patient? she is possessed with a most strange sort of mad- Sir Jas. Rather worse, sir, since your prescripness, and imagines every man she sees to be her / tion. husband. Now, sir, if you will but admit her in- Gre. So much the better; 'tis a sign that it to your house

operates. Hel. Most willingly, sir.

Sir Jas. Who is that gentleman, pray, with Gre. The first thing, sir, you are to do, is to you? let out thirty ounces of her blood : then, sir, you Gre. An apothecary, sir. Mr Apothecary, I are to shave off all her hair; all her hair, sir : af- desire you would immediately apply that song I ter which, you are to make a very severe use of prescribed. your rod, twice a-day; and take a particular care Sir Jas. A song, doctor! Prescribe a song? that she have not the least allowance beyond Gre. Prescribe a song, sir! Yes, sir; prescribe bread and water.

a song, sir. Is there any thing so strange in Hel. Sir, I shall readily agree to the dictates that? Did you never hear of pills to purge meof su great a man; nor can I help approving of lancholy? If you understand these things better your method, which is exceeding mild and whole than I, why did you send for me? 'Sbud, sir, this some,

song would make a stone speak. But, if Gre. [To his rcife.]— My dear, that gentleman please, sir, you and I will confer at some diswill conduct you to my lodgings. Sir, I beg you tance, during the application; for this song will will take a particular care of the lady.

do you as much harm as it will do your daughter Hel. You may depend on't, sir; nothing in my good. Be sure, Mr Apothecary, to pour it down power shall be wanting; you have only to in- her ears very closely. quire for Dr Hellebore.

AIR. Dor. Twont be long before I see you, husband?

Lean. Thus, lovely patient, Charlotte sees Hel. Husband! This is as unaccountable a

Her dying patient kneel; sadness as any I have yet met with!

Soon cured will be your feigned dis[Exit Hel. with Dop.


But what physician e'er can ease

The torments which I feel?

Think, charming nymph, while I com. Gre. I think I shall be revenged on you now,

plain, my dear. So, sir.

Ah, think what I endure! Lean. I think I make a pretty good apotheca

All other remedies are vain; Ty, now.

The lovely cause of all my pain Gre. Yes, faith; you're almost as good an

Can only cause my cure.


Gre. It is, sir, a great and subtle question Gre. That's impossible, sir. All that I can do among the doctors, Whether women are more to serve you, is, I can make you deaf, if you easy to be cured than men? I beg you would at- please. tend to this, sir, if you please—Some say, No; Sir Jas. And do you thinkothers say, Yes; and, for my part, I say both Yes Chur. All your reasoning shall never conquer and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the my

resolution. opaque bumours that meet in the natural temper Sir Jas. You shall marry Mr Dapper this evenof women, are the cause that the brutal part willing. always prevail over the sensible-One sees Char. I'll be buried first. that the inequality of their opinions depends Gre. Stay, sir, stay! let me regulate this afupon the black movement of the circle of the fair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I moon; and as the sun, that darts his rays upon know what remedy to apply to it. the concavity of the earth, finds

Sir Jus. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure Char. No, I am not at all capable of changing the distempers of the mind? my opinion.

Gre. Sir, I can cure any thing. Hark ye, Mr Sir Jas. My daughter speaks! my daughter Apothecary! you see that ihe love she has for Lespeaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the ander is entirely contrary to the will of her faadmirable physician ! How can I reward thee ther, and that there is no time to lose, and that for such a service!

an immediate remedy is necessary. For my part, Gre. This distemper has given me a most in- I know of but one, which is a dose of purgative sufferable deal of trouble !

running-away, mixt with two drams of pills ma[Traversing the stage in a great heat, the trimoniac, and three large handfuls of the arbor apothecary following.)

vitæ : perhaps she will make some difficulty to Char. Yes, sir, I have recovered my speech; take them; but as you are an able apothecary, but I have recovered it to tell you, that I never I shall trust to you for the success. Go, make will have any husband but Leander.

her walk in the garden; be sure lose no time : [Speaks with great eagerness, and drives Sir to the remedy quick; to the remedy specific ! JASPER round the stage.

[Ereunt LEANDER and CHARLOTTE, Sir Jas. But

Sir Jus. What drugs, sir, were those I heard Char. Nothing is capable to shake the resolu- you mention, for I don't remember I ever heard tion I have taken.

them spoke of before? Sir Jas. What!

Gre. They are some, sir, lately discovered by Char. Your rhetoric is in vain; all your dis- the Royal Society. courses signify nothing.

Sir Jas. Did you ever see any thing equal to Sir Jas. I

her insolence? Char. I am determined ; and all the fathers Gre. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little in the world shall never oblige me to marry con- too headstrong. trary to my inclinations.

Sir Jas. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolishly Sir Jas. I have

fond she is of that Leander. Char. I never will submit to this tyranny; and Gre. The heat of blood, sir, causes that in if I must not have the man I like, l'il die a young minds. maid.

Sir Jas. For my part, the moment I discoverSir Jas. You shall have Mr Dapper

ed the violence of her passion, I have always Char. No--not in any manner-not in the kept her locked up. least-not at all! You throw away your breath; Gre. You have done very wisely. you lose your time : you may confine me, beat Sir Jas. And I have prevented them from hav. me, bruise me, destroy me, kill me; do what you ing the least communication together : for who will, use me as you will; but I never will consent; knows what might have been the consequence? nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all Who knows but she might have taken it into her your ill-usage, never shall force me to consent. head to have run away with him? So far from giving him my heart, I never will Gre. Very true. give him my hand: for he is my aversion; I Sir Jas. Ay, sir, let me alone for governing hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the girls ; I think I have come reason to be vain on devil! I had rather touch a toad! you may make that head; I think I have shewn the world that me miserable another way; but with him you I understand a little of women-) think I have : shan't, that I'm resolved !

and, let me tell you, sir, there is not a little art Gre. There, sir, there! I think we have required. If this girl had had some fathers, they brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consist- bad not kept her out of the hands of so vigilant a ency.

lover, as I have done. Šir Jas. Consistency, quotha! why, there is Gre. No, certainly, sir, no stopping her tongue- -Dear doctor, I desire you would make her dumb again.

Enter Dorcas.

will receive her, sir, only at your hands

bave received letters, by which I have learnt the Dor. Where is this villain, this rogue, this pre- death of an uncle, whuse estate far exceeds that tended physician?

of your intended son-in-law. Sir Jas. Heyday! What, what, what's the mat- Sir Jas. Sir, your virtue is beyond all estates; ter now?

and I give you my daughter with all the pleasure Dor. Oh, sirrah, sirrah! Would you have de- in the world. stroyed your wife, you villain? Would you have Leun. Now my fortune makes me happy inbeen guilty of murder, dog ?

deed, my dearest Charlotte ! And, doctor, I'll Gre. Hoity toity! What madwoman is this? make thy fortune, too.

Sir Jas. Poor wretch! For pity's sake, cure Gre. If you would be so kind to make me her, doctor.

a physician in earnest, I should desire no other Gre. Sir, I shall not cure her, unless some- fortune. body gives me a fee- If you will give me a Lean. Faith, doctor, I wish I could do that, in fee, sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this return for your having made me an apothecary; instant.

but I'll do as well for thee, I warrant. Dor. I'll fee you, you villain

-cure me!

Dor. So, so ! our physician, I tod, has brought

about fine matters. and is it not owing to me, AIR.

sirrah, that

you have been a physician at ail?

Sir Jas. May I beg to know whether you are a If you hope, by your skill

physician or not-or what the devil you are? To give Dorcas a pill,

Gre. I think, sir, after the miraculous cure You are not a deep politician:

you have seen me perform, you have no reason Could wives but be brought

to ask whether I am a physician or no— And for To swallow the draught, Each husband would be a physician.

you, wife, I'll henceforth have you behave with

all deference to my greatness. Enter James.

Dor. Why, thou puffed up fool, I could have

made as good a physician myself; the cure was James. O sir, undone, undone! Your daughter owing to the apothecary, not the doctor. is run away with her lover Leander, who was here disguised like an apothecary-and this is AIR.- We've cheated the Parson, 8ic, the rogue of a physician who has contrived all the affair.

When tender young virgins look pale, and comSir Jus. How! am I abused in this manner? plain, Here! who is there? Bid my clerk bring pen, You may send for a dozen great doctors in vain : ink, and paper; I'll send this fellow to jail im- All give their opinion, and pocket their tees; mediately.

Each writes her a cure, though all miss her disJames. Indeed, my good doctor, you stand a ease; very fair chance to be hanged for stealing an

Powders, drops, heiress.

Julaps, slops, Gre. Yes, indeed, I believe I shall take my A cargo of poison from physical shops. degrees now.

Though they physic to death the unhappy poor Dor. And are they going to hang you, my maid, dear husband?

What's that to the doctor-since he must be Gre. You see, my dear wife.

paid? Dor. Had you finished the faggots, it had been Would you know how you may manage her some consolation,


Our doctor has brought you a postrum to-night, Enter LEANDER and CHARLOTTE.

Can never vary, Lean. Behold, sir, that Leander, whom you

Nor miscarry, had forbid your bouse, restores your daughter if the lover be but the apothecary. to your power, even when he had her in his.

Chorus.-Can never vary, &c.





CHRONON HOTONTHOLOGOs, king of Queerumma- Fadladinida, queen of Queerummania.

TatlanTHE, her favourite.
BOMBARDINIAN, his general.

Two ladies of the court.


Two ladies of pleasure.

Venus. Captain of the guards.


Guards and attendants, &ca
King of the fiddlers
King of the Antipodes.



SCENE I.-An anti-chamber in the palace. Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake?

What says my friend to this? Enter RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS and ALDIBORONTI

Rig-Fun. Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep: PHOSCOPHORNIO,

What a plague would you have me say? Rig-Fun. Aldiborontiphoscophornio !

Aldi. O impious thought ! O cursed insinuaWhere left you Chrononhotonthologos ?

tion ! Aldi. Fatigued with the tremendous toils of As if great Chrononhotonthologos, war,

To animals detestable and vile, Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, Had aught the least similitude ! Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers : Rig-Fun. My dear friend, you entirely misLulled by the cheerful trumpets' gladsome clan- apprehend me: I did not call the king dog by gour,

craft; I was only going to tell you, that the solThe noise of drums, and thunder of artillery, diers have just now received their pay, and are He sleeps supine amidst the din of war:

all as drunk as so many swabbers. And yet, 'tis not definitively sleep;

Aldi. Give orders instantly, that no more moRather a kind of doze, a waking slumber,

ney That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses : Be issued to the troops : Mean time, my friend, For now he nods and snores; anon he starts ; Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee, Then nods and snores again : If this be sleep, To stupefy their souls into sobriety.

« НазадПродовжити »