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one, and to the great scandal of all our sex, there there I lay as quiet as a lamb, fearing every miappeared all of a sudden a very lusty young fel- nute what they would do to melow, of the age of three and twenty, whom she Good. Can all this be true, or are you imposowned to have been her son, and that his father ing on me? I have indeed heard of such things was a grenadier in the first regiment of guards. as apparitions, on just causes, and believe in Good. Oh, monstrous !

them; but why they should haunt my house, I Let. Ah, sir, if everv child in this city knew can't imagine. his own father, if children were to inherit only Let. Why, sir, they tell me, before you bought the estates of those who begot them, it would the house, there was a pedlar killed in it. cause a great confusion in inheritances !

Good. A pedlar! I must inquire into all these Good. Well, but I stand here talking too long; things. But, in the mean time, I must send this knock at the door.

portmanteau to my son's new house. Let. What shall I do?

[Aside. Let. No, sir, that's a little improper at preGood. You seem in a consternation; no acci- sent. dent hath happened to my son, I hope.

Good. What, is that house haunted? Hath the Let. No, sir, but

devil taken possession of that house, too? Good. But! but what? Hath any one robbed Let. No, sir; but Madam Highman hath not io my absence?

yet quitted possession of it. I told you before, Let. No, sir; not absolutely robbed you, sir. sir, that she was out of her senses; and if any What shall I say?

(Aside. one does but inentior the sale of her house to her, Good. Explain yourself: speak.

it throws her into the most violent convulsions. Let. Oh,sir ! I can withhold my tears no Good. Well, well; I shall know how to bulonger- -Enter not, I beseech you, sir, your mour her madness. house-Sir, your dear house, that you and I, and Let. I wish, sir, for a day or twomy poor master loved so much, within these six Good. You throw me out of all manner of pamonths

tience. I am resolved I will go thither this inGood. What of my house within these six stant. months

Let. Here she is herself; but pray remember Let. Hath been haunted, sir, with the most the condition she is in, and don't do any thing to terrible apparitions that were ever heard or be- chagrin her. held ! you'd think the devil himself had taken

Enter Mrs Highman. possession of it: nay, I believe he hath too : all the wild noises in the universe, the squeaking of Mrs High. What do I see ! Mr Goodall repigs, the grinding of knives, the whetting of saws, turned? the whistling of winds, the roaring of seas, the Let. Yes, madam, it is him; but, alas! he's hooting of owls, the howling of wolves, the brav- not himself-he's distracted; his losses in his ing of asses, the squalling of children, and the voyage have turned his brain, and he is become scolding of wives, all put together, make not so a downright lunatic. hideous a concert. This I myself have heard ; Mrs High. I ain heartily concerned for his nay, and I have seen such sights ! one with about misfortune. Poor gentleman ! twenty heads, and a hundred eyes, and mouths, Let. If he should speak to you by chance, hare and noses in each.

no regard to what he says; we are going to shut Good. Heyday! the wench is mad! Stand him up in a madhouse with all expedition. from before the door! I'll see whether the devil Mrs High. [Aside.] He hath a strange wancan keep me out from my own house. Haunted, dering in his countenance. indeed!

Good. (Aside. How miserably she is altered ! Let. Sir, I have a friendship for you, and you She hath a terrible look with her eyes. shall not go in.

Mrs High. Mr Goodall, your very humble Good. How? not go into my own house? servant. I am glad to see you returned, though

Let. No, sir, not till the devil is driven out I am sorry for your misfortune. on't; there are two priests at work upon him Good. I must have patience, and trust in Heanow. Hark, I think the devils are dancing a Fan- ven, and in the power of the priests, who are now dango. Nay, sir, you may listen yourself, and endeavouring to lay these wicked spirits, with get in too, if

which my house is haunted; but give me leave Good. Ha! by all that's gracious, I hear a to ask you the cause of your phrenzy; for I noise! (Laughing within.) What monstrous much question whether this commission of lunacy squalling is that?

that has been taken out against you, be not withLet. Why, sir, I am surprised you should think out sufficient proof. I would impose upon you: had you known the Mrs High. A commission of lunacy against terrors we underwent for a whole fortnight, espe- me! me! cially poor I, sir, who lay every night frightened Good. Lettice, I see she is worse than I ima with the sight of the most monstrous large things ! gined.

you can,



Let. She is very bad now indeed.

Col. If you love force, I'll shew you the way, Mrs High. However, if you are not more mis- you dogs !

(Colonel drives them off. chievous than you at present seem, I think it is Good. I find I am distracted; I am stark rawrong in them to contine you in a inadhouse. ving mad. I am undone, rnined, cheated, impo

Good. Copfine me! ha, ha, ha! This is turn- sed ou! but, please fleaven, I'll go see what's in ing the tables upon me indeed! But, Mrs High- my house. man, I would not have you be uneasy that your Col. Hold, sir, you must not enter here ! house is soid; at least, it is better for you that Good. Not enter into my own house, sir ! my son baih bought it than another; for you Col. No, sir, if it be yours, you must not come, sball bare an apartment in it still, in the same within it. mancer as if it was still your own, and you were Good. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with in vaur senses.

the master of the house. Mrs High. What's all this? As if I was still Col. Sir, the master of the house desires to in my senses ! Let me tell you, Mr Goodall, you speak with no such fellows as you are ; you are are a poor, distracted wretch, and ought to bave not fit company for any of the gentlemen in this an apartment in a dark room, and clean straw. house.

Good. Since you come to that, madam, I shall Good. Sir, the master of this house is my son. Dot let you into my doors; and I give you warn- Col. Sir, your most obedient humble servant; ing to take away your things, for I shall fill all I am overjoyed to see you returned. Give me the rooms with goods within these few days. leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman. Enter Slap, Constable, and Assistants.

Good. Sir, your most obcdient humble serSlap. That's the door, Mr Constable. Lit. What's to be done now, I wonder?

Col. Give me leave to tell you, sir, you have Con. Open the door, in the king's name, or if the honour of being father to one of the finest shall break it open.

gentlemen of the age: a mao so accomplished, Good. Who are you, sir, in the devil's naine so well-bred, and so generous, that I believe he and what do you want in that house?

never would part with a guest while he had a Slap. Sir, I have a prisoner there, and I have shilling in his pocket, nor, indeed, while he could my lord chief justice's warrant against him.

borrow one. Good. For what suin, sir ? Are you a justice can't wouder if I ain impatient to see him.

Good. I believe it, indeed, sir; therefore, you of the peace? Slap. I ain one of his majesty's officers, sir;

Col. Be not in such haste, dear sir; I want to and this day I arrested one Mr Valentine Good talk with you about your affairs; I hope you have all, who lives in this house, for two hundred had good success in the Indies, have cheated the pounds; his servants have rescued him, and I company handsomely, and made an iminense forhave a judge's warrant for the rescue.

tune? Good. What do I hear! But hark'e, friend,

Good. I have no reason to complain. that house that you are going to break open,


Col. I am glad on't-give me your hand, sir; haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple and so will your son, I dare swear; and let me

tell of priests, who are laying the devil..

you, it will be very opportune; he began to Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better than

want it. You can't imagine, sir, what a fine life all the priests in Europe. "Come, Mr Constable, he has led since you went away—it would do do your office, I have no time to lose, sir; I have your heart good if you was but to know what an several other writs to execute before night.

equipage he has kept; what balls and entertainLet. I have defended my pass as long as I can,

ments he has made; be is the talk of the whole and now I think it is no cowardice to steal off.

town, sir; a man would work with pleasure for [Erit.

such a son ; he is a fellow with a soul, damo me!

Your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; Enter COLONEL BLUFF, and Lord PUFF.

for, get as much as you please, my life, he spends Col. What, in the devil's name, is the meaning every farthing ! of this riot? What is the reason, scoundrels, that Giod. Pray, gentlemen, let me see this iniraFou dare disturb gentlemen, who are getting as cle of a son of mine. drunk as lords?

Col. That you should, sir, long ago; but, realSlap. Sir, we have authority for what we do. ly, sir, the house is a little out of order at pre

Col. Damn your authority, sir! if you don't sent; there is but one room furnished in it, and go about your business, I shall shew you my au- that is so full of company, that I am afraid there thority, and send you all to the devil.

would be a small deticiency of chairs. You Slap. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to can't imagine, sir, bow opportune you are come; enter the house, and seize our prisoner.

there was not any one thing left in the bouse to Col. Not I, upon my honour, sir.

raise any money upon. Slap. If you oppose us any longer, I shall pro- Good. What, all my pictures gone? feed in force.

Col. Ile sold them first, sir; he was obliged VOL. III.


to sell them for the delicacy of his taste : henics for the future. Come, gentlemen, let us to certainly is the modestest young fellow in the the opera. I see if a man hath not good blood world, and has complained to me a hundred in his veins, riches won't teach him to behave times, drunk and sober

like a gentleman. Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get

(Erit LORD Puff. drunk?

Good. 'Sbodlikins ! I am in a rage! That ever Col. Oh, yes, sir; regularly, twice a day. He a fellow should upbraid me with good blood in has complained of the indecent liberty painters his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his take in exposing the breasts and limbs of wo- veins hath run through my bottles. Come, sir, men; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous col- follow your companions ; for I am determined lection, and he was never easy while they were to turn you out directly. in the house.


Char. Then, sir, I ain determined to go with him. Val. My father returned ! oh, let me throw Be comforted, Valentine; I have some fortune myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at which my aunt cannot prevent me from, and it once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. will make us happy, for a while at least; and I

Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modest- prefer a year, a month, a day, with the man I est young fellows in England.

love, to a whole stupid age without him. Good. You may very well be ashamed; but [As VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE are gocome, let me see the inside of my house ; let me

ing, they are met by Mrs HIGHMAN see that both sides of my walls are standing.

and LETTICE. Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company with- Mrs High. What do I see! my niece in the in, of the first fashion, and beg you would not very arms of her betrayer ! expose me before them.

Let. I humbly ask pardon of you both—but Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble ser- my master was so heartily in love with your vant; I am infinitely obliged to all the persons niece, and she so heartily in love with my masof fashion, that they will so generously con- ter, that I was determined to leave no stone undescend to eat a poor citizen out of house and turned to bring them together. home.

Good. Eh! Egad, I like her generous passion Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old fel-for my son so much, that if you, madam, will low in a blanket?

give her a fortune equal to what I shall settle on Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and for- him, I shall not prevent their happiness. givenness; and will wait on you in.

Mrs High. Won't you? Then I shall do all Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see this in my power to make it a match. day!

[Ereunt. Let. And so, sir, you take no notice of poor

Lettice? but, statesman like, your own turn serSCENE II.-A dining room.

ved, forget your friends? LORD Purf, and several gentlemen and ladies

SONG. discovered at table.

Let. That statesmen oft' their friends forget,

Their ends obtained, is clear, sir;
Enter Goodall and VALENTINE.

So, I'm forgot, your place I'll quit,
Val. Gentlemen, my father being just arrived

And seek a service here, sir. from the Indies, desires to make one of this good company.

I'll prove my love in every sense, Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none Be dutiful, observant, by calling him beneath bis title) I am highly So drop in here a few nights hence, sensible of the great honour you do myself and

And hire your humble servant. my son, by biling my poor house with your noble persons, and your noble persons with my poor

CHORUS. wine and provisions.

She'll prove her love in every sense, Lord Puff. Sir ! Rat me! I would have you Be dutiful, observant, know, I think I do you too much honour in en- So drop in here a few nights hence, tering into your doors. But I am glad you bave And hire your huinble servant. taught me at what distance to keep such mecha

[Exeunt omnes,

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SCENE I.-A wood.

Gre. Ay, hussy, a regular education : first at

the charity-school, where I learnt to read; then Dorcas, GREGORY.

I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I Gre. I tell you, No, I won't comply; and it learnt—very near as much as my master; from is my business to talk, and to command. whence I attended a travelling physician six years,

Dor. And I tell you, You shalt conform to my under the facetious denomination of a Merry will; and that I was not married to you, to suf- Andrew, where I learnt physic. fer your ill-humours.

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Gre. O the intolerable fatigue of matrimony! | Cursed be the hour, wherein I answered the parAristotle never said a better thing in his life, son, I will. than when he told us, “That a wife was worse Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee than a devil!

the question ! Dor. Hear the learned gentleman with his Dor. You have reason to complain of him inAristotle !

deed—who ought to be on your knees every moGreg. And a learned man I am, too: find me inent, returning thanks to Heaven, for that great out a maker of faggots that's able, like myself, to biessing it sent you, when it sent you myself.-I reason upon things, or that can boast such an nope you have not the assurance to think you education as mine.

Heserv'd such a wife as me? Dor. An education !

Gre. No, really, I don't think I do.

Dorcas sings.

AIR.— Winchester Wedding.

When a lady, like me, condescends to agree, Go thrash your own rib, sir, at home,
To let such a jackanapes taste her,

Nor thus interfere with our strife; With what zeal and care, shou'd he worship the May cuckoldom still be his doom, fair,

Who strives to part husband and wife!
Who gives him wbat's meat for his master? Suppose I've a mind he should drub,
His actions should still

Whose bones are they, sir, he's to lick?
Attend on her will:-

At whose expence is it, you scrub?
Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning; You are not to find him a stick.

To her he should be
Each night on his knee,

Rob. Neighbour, I ask your pardon heartily;
And so he should be on each morning. here, take and thrash your wife; beat her as you

ought to do. Gre. Meat for my master! you were meat Gre. No, sir, I won't beat ber. for your master, if I an't mistaken. Come, come, Rob. O sir, that's another thing. Madam, it was a lucky day for you, when you Gre. I'll beat her when I please, and will not found me out.

beat her when I do not please. She is my wife, Dor. Lucky, indeed! a fellow, who eats every , and not yours. thing I have

Rob. Certainly. Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I drink Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband. some part on't.

Rob. Weil, if ever I attempt to part husband Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie and wife again, may I be beaten myself! on !

[Erit Rob. Gre. You'll rise the earlier.

Gre. Come, my dear, let us be friends. Dor. And who, from morning till night, is Dor. What, after beating me so ? eternally in an alehouse!

Gre. 'Twas but in jest. Gre. It's genteel; the squire does the same. Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on Dor. Pray, sir, what are you willing I shall do your own bones, not on mine. with my family?

Gre. Pshaw! you know you and I are one, Gre. Whatever you please.

and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. My four little children, that are continu- Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will ally crying for bread?

beat the other half of yourself. Gre. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon; for crying children.

I'm sorry for't. Dor. And do you imagine, sot

Dor. For once I pardon you—but you shall Gre. Hark ye, my dear, you know my temper pay for it.

[ Aside. is not over and above passive, and that my arm Gre. Psha! psha! child, these are only little is extremely active.

affairs, necessary in friendship ; four or five Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, good blows with a cudgel between your very insolent fellow !

fond couples, only tend to heighten the affecGre. Soft object of my wishing eyes, I shall tions. I'll now to the wood, and I promise thee to play with your pretty ears.

make a hundred faggots before I come home Dor. Touch me if you dare, you insolent, im- again.

[E.rit. pudent, dirty, lazy, rascally

Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows of Gre. Oh, ho, ho! you will tave it then, I find yours !-Oh, that I could but think of some me

[Beats her. thod to be revenged on bim! Hang the rogue, Dor. O murder, murder !

he's quite insensible of cuckoldom ! Enter Squire Robert.

AIR.-Oh London is a fine town. Rob. What's the matter here? Fy upon you, fy upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in this In ancient days, I've heard, with horns scandalous manner!

The wife her spouse could fright, Dor. Well, sir, and if I have a mind to be Which now the hero bravely scorns, beat, and what then?

So common is the sight. Kob. O dear, madam, I give my consent with To city, country, camp, or court, all my heart and soul.

Or wheresoe'er he go, Dór. What's that to you, saucebox? Is it any No horned brother dares make sport; business of yours?

They're cuckolds all a-row. Rob. No, certainly, madam!

Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, Oh that I could find out some invention to get won't suffer a husband to beat his own wife! him well drubbed!

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