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Shift. Reproaches! Would I could be quit of Oct. Besides, my present want must be consihim so easy; methinks I feel him already on my dered; I am in rebellion without money. shoulders,
Sca. I have tricks and shifts, too, to get that: Oct. Disinheriting is the least I can expect. I can cheat upon occasion; but cheating is now
Shift. You should have thought of this before, grown an ill-trade: yet, Heaven be thanked, and not have fallen in love with I know not there were never more cullies and fools; but the whom, one that you met by chance in the Do- greatest rooks and cheats, allowed by public auver-coach : She is, indeed, a good snug lass; but thority, ruin such little undertraders as I am. God knows wbat she is besides; perhaps some- Oct. Well, get thee straight about thy busiOct. Villain !
ness. Canst thou make no use of my rogue here? Shift. I have done, sir, I have done.
Sca. Yes, I shall want his assistance; the Oct. I have no friend that can appease my fa. knave has cunning, and may be useful. ther's anger, and uow I shall be betrayed to Shift. Ay, sir ; but, like other wise men, I am want and misery
not over-valiant. Pray, leave me out of this buShift. For my part, I know but one remedy in siness: My fears will betray you; you shall exour misfortunes.
ecute, I'll sit at home and advise. Oct. Prithee, what is it?
Sca. 1 stand not in need of thy courage, but Shift. You know that rogue and arch-clieat thy impudence; and thou hast enough of that. Scapin?
Come, come, thou shalt along : What, man, stand Oct. Well; what of him?
out for a beating? That's the worst can happen. Shift. There is not a more subtle fellow breath- Shift. Well, well. ing: so cunning, he can cheat one newly cheated: 'tis such a wheedling rogue, I'd undertake, in
Enter CLARA. two hours be shall make your father forgive you Oct. Here comes my dearest Clara. all; nay, allow you money for your necessary
Clara. Ah, me, Octavian ! I hear sad news, debauches. I saw him, in three days, make an | They say your father is returned. old cautious lawyer turn chemist and projector ! Oct. Alas! 'tis true, and I am the most un
Oct. He is the fittest person in the world for fortunate person in the world; but 'tis not my my business; the impudent varlet can do any own misery that I consider, but yours. How can thing with the peevish old inan. Prithee, go look you bear those wants to which we must be both bim out; we'll set him a-work immediately. reduced? Shift. See where he comes—Monsieur Scapin! Clara. Love shall teach me that can make
all things easy to us; which is a sign it is the Enter SCAPIN.
chiefest good. But I have other cares. Will you Sca. Worthy sir !
be ever constant ? Shall not your father's seveShift. I have been giving my master a brief rity constrain you to be false?" account of thy most noble qualities : I told him Oct. Never, my dearest, never ! thou wert as valiant as a ridden cuckold, sincere Clara. They, that love inuch, may be allowed as whores, bonest as pimps in want.'
some fears. Sca. Alas, sir, I but copy you : 'Tis you are Sca. Come, come; we have now no time to brave; you scorn the gibbets, balters, and pri- hear you speak fine tender things to one another. sons which threaten you, and valiantly proceed Pray, do you prepare to encounter with your fain cheats and robberies.
ther. Oct. Oh, Scapin! I am utterly ruined without Oct. I tremble at the thoughts of it. thy assistance.
Sca. You must appear resolute at first : Tell Sca. Why, what's the matter, good Mr Octa- him you can live without troubling him; threaten vian?
him to turn soldier : or, what will frighten him Oct. My father is this day arrived at Dover worse, say you'll turn poet. Come, I'll warrant with old Mr Gripe, with a resolution to marry you we bring him to composition.
Oct. What would I give 'twere over! Sca. Very well.
Sca. Let us practise a little what you are to Oct. Thou knowest I am already married : do. Suppose me your father, very grave, and Ilow will my father resent my disobedience? I very angry. ain for ever lost, unless thou can'st find some Oct. Well. means to reconcile me to him.
Sca. Do you look very carelessly, like a small Sca. Does your father know of your marriage? | courtier upon his country acquaintance: A little
Oct. I am afraid he is by this time acquainted more surlily: Very well. Now, I am full of with it.
my fatherly authority.-Octavian, thou makest Sca. No matter, no matter; all shall be well. me weep to see thee; but, alas! they are not I am public spirited; I love to help distressed tears of joy, but tears of sorrow. Did ever so young gentlemen : and, thank Heaven, I have good a father beget so lewd a son ? Nay, but for had good success enough.
that I think thy mother virtuous, I should pro
nounce thou art not mine! Newgate-bird, rogue, Thrifty. Upon what reason! Hast thou not villain! what a trick hast thou played me in my heard what hath happened in my absence? absence? Married ! Yes. But to whom? Nay, Sca. I heard a little idle story. that thou knowest not. I'll warrant you some
Thrifty. A little idle story, quotha! why, man, waiting-woman, corrupted in a civil family, and my son's undone ; my son's undone ! reduced to one of the play-houses; removed from Sca. Come, come, things have not been well thence by some keeping coxcomb, or
carried; but I would advise you to make no more Clara. Hold, Scapin, hold
of it. Sca. No offence, lady, I speak but another's Thrifty. I'm not of your opinion; I'll make the words.—Thou abominable rascal, thou shalt not whole town ring of it! have a groat, not a groat! Besides, I will break Sca. Lord, sir, I have stormed about this busiall thy bones ten times over! Get thee out of ness as much as you can do for your heart! but my house Why, sir, you reply not a word, what are we both the better? I told him, indeed, but stand as bashfully as a girl that is examined Mr Octavian, you do not do well to wrong, so by a bawdy judge about a rape !
good a father : I preached him three or four Oct. Look, yonder comes my father!
times asleep; but all would not do; till, at last, Sca. Stay, Shift; and get you two gone : Let when I had well examined the business, I found me alone to manage the old fellow.
you had not so much wrong done you as you ima(Ereunt Oct. and Clara. gine.
Thrifty. How! not wrong done me, to have Enter THRIFTY.
my son married, without my consent to a beggar? Thrifty. Was there ever such a rash action? Sca. Alas! he was ordained to it.
Sca. He has been informed of the business, Thrifty. That's fine, indeed! we shall steal, and is now so full of it, that he vents it to him- cheat, murder, and 30 be hanged—then say, we self.
were ordained to it! Thrifty. I would fain hear what they can say Sca. Truly, I did not think you so subtle a phifor themselves.
losopher! I mean, he was fatally engaged in this Sca. We are not unprovided. [At a distance. affair.
Thrifty. Will they be so impudent to deny the Thrifty. Why did he engage himself? thing?
Sca. Very true, indeed, very true; but fye Sca. We never intend it.
upon you, now! would you have him as wise as Thrifty. Or will they endeavour to excuse it? yourself? Young men will have their folliesSca. That, perhaps, we may do.
witness my charge, Leander, who has gone and Thrifty. But all shall be in vain.
thrown away himself at a stranger rate than your Sca. We'll try that.
son. I would fain know, if you were not once Thrifty. I know how to lay thật rogue my son young yourself. Yes, I warrant you, and had fast. Sca. That we must prevent,
Thrifty. Yes; but they never cost me any Thrifty. And for the tatterdemallion, Shift, I'll thing: A man may be as frail and as wicked as thresh him to death; I will be three years a cud- he please, if it cost him nothing. gelling him!
Sca. Alas! he was so in love with the young Shift. I wondered he had forgot me so long. wench, that if he had not had her, he must have
Thrifty. Oh, ho! Yonder the rascal is, that certainly hanged himself. brave governor! he tutored my son finely! Shift. Must! why, he had already done it, but
Sca. Sir, I am overjoyed at your safe return. that I came very seasonably, and cut the rope.
Thrifty. Good-morrow, Scapin. Indeed you Thrifty. Didst thou cut the rope, dog? I'll have followed my instructions very exactly; my murder thee for that! thou shouldst have let him son has behaved himself very prudently in my hang ! absence-has he not, rascal, has he not?
Sca. Besides, her kindred surprised him with
[To Supt. her, and forced him to marry her. Sca. I hope you are very well.
Thrifty. Then should he have presently gone, Thrifty. Very well—Thou say'st not a word, aud protested against the violence at a notary's. varlet; thou say'st not a word !
Sca. O Lord, sir! he scorded that. Sca. Had you a good voyage, Mr Thrifty? Thrifty. Then might I easily have disannulled
Thrifty. Lord, sir! a very good voyage --Pray, the marriage. give a man a little leave to vent his choler! Sca. Disannul the marriage? Sca. Would you be in choler, sir?
Thrifty. Yes, Thrifty. Ay, sir, I would be in choler.
Sca. You shall not break the marriage.
Thrifty. Shall not I break it?
Thrifty. What! shall not I claim the privilege.
of a father, and hare satisfaction for the violence Sca. Come, you deceive yourself; fatherly afdoue to my son?
fection must shew itself; it must, it must : Do Sca. 'Tis a thing he will never consent to. not I know you were ever tender-hearted ? Thrifty. He will not consent to!
Thrifty. You're mistaken, sir; you're mistaSca. No: Would you have him confess he was ken! Pish! why do I spend my time in tittlehectored into any thing, that is, to declare him- tattle with this idle fellow -Hang-dog! go self a coward? Oh, fy, sir! one that has the ho find out my rake-hell [To Suikt.], whilst I go to nour of being your son, can never do such a my brother Gripe, and inform him of my misforthing.
tune. Thrifty. Pish! talk not to me of honour! he Sca. In the mean time, if I can do you any sershall do it, or be disinherited.
viceSca. Who shall disinherit him?
Thrifty. O! I thank you, sir, I thank you. Thrifty. That will I, sir.
[Exit Thrifty. Sca. You disinherit bim! very good
Shift. I must confess thou art a brave fellow, Thrifty. How, very good ?
and our affairs begin to be in a better postureSca. You shall not disiuberit him.
but the money, the money
-we are abominaThrifty. Shall not I disinherit him?
ble poor, and my master has the lean vigilant Sca. No.
duns, that torment him more than an old mother Thrifty. No!
does a poor gallant, when she solicits a mainteSca, No.
nance for her discarded daughter. Thrifty. Sir, you are very merry; I shall not Sca. Your money shall be my next care—Let disinherit my son?
me sce, I want a fellow to- -Canst thou not Sca No, I tell you.
counterfeit a roaring bully of Alsatia ?--Stalk Thrifty. Pray, who shall hinder me? -look big-Very well. Follow me; I have ways
Sca. Alas, sir! your own self, sir; your own to disguise thy voice and countenance. self.
Shift. Pray, take a little care, and lay your plot Thrifty. I myself?
so that I may not act the bully always: I would Sca. Yes, sir; for you can never have the heart not be beaten like a bully. to do it. Thrifty. You shall find I can, sir.
Sca. We'll share the danger
, we'll share the
1 I think so to me. Your servant-I must hasten
to my council, and advise what's to be done in Enter TURIFTY and Gripe,
this case. Good bu'y till I see you again. Gripe. Sir, what you tell me concerning your
[Exit Thrifty. son, hath strangely frustrated our designs.
Gripe. Worse than bis son! For my part, I Thrifty. Sir, trouble not yourself about my cannot imagine how; for a son to marry impuson; I have undertaken to remove all obstacles, dently without the consent of his father, is as which is the business I am so vigorously in pur- great an offence as can be imagined, I take it suit of.
But yonder he comes. Gripe. In troth, sir, I'll tell you what I say to you: The education of children, after the getting
Enter LEANDER. of them, ought to be the nearest concern of a father. And had you tutored your son with that Lean. Oh, my dear father, how joyful am I to care and duty incumbent on you, he never could see you safely returned! Welcome, as the blesso slightly bave forfeited his.
sing, which I am now craving, will be. Thrifty. Sir, to return you a sentence for your Gripe. Not so fast, friend a’mine! soft and sentence: Those that are so quick to censure fair goes far, sir. You are my son, as I take it. and condemn the conduct of others, ought first Lean. What d'ye mean, sir? to take care that all be well at home,
Gripe. Stand still, and let me look ye in the Gripe. Why, Mr Thrifty, have you heard any face. thing concerning my son?
Lean. How must I stand, sir? Thrifty. It may be I have; and it may be Gripe. Look upon me with both eyes. worse than of my own.
Lean. Well, sir, I do. Gripe. What is't, I pray? my son?
Gripe. What's the meaning of this report? Thrifty. Even your own Scapin told it me; Leun. Report, sir? and you inay bear it from him, or some body else: Gripe. Yes, report, sir; I speak English, as y For my part, I am your friend, aud would not take it : What is't that you have done in my abwillingly be the messenger of ill' news to one that sence ?
Lan. What is't, sir, which you would have Sca. Well, sir; I confess, indeed, that had me done?
Lean. What! speak, rogue ? Gripe. I do not ask you, what I would have Sca. About two months ago, you may rememhad you done; but, what have you done? ber, a maid servant died in the house
Lear. Who? I, sir? Wby, I have done nothing Lean. What of all that? at all, not I sir.
Sca. Nay, sir, if I confess you must not be anGripe. Nothing at all?
gry: Lun. No, sir.
Leun. Well, go on. Gripe. You have no impudence to speak on. Sca. 'Twas said, she died for love of me, sir :
Lean. Sir, I have the confidence that becomes But let that pass. a unan, and my innocence.
Lean. Death! you trifling buffoon. Gripe. Very well : but Scapin, d’ye mark me, Sca. About a week after her death, I drest up young man, Scapin has told me some tales of myself like her ghust, and went into Madam Luyour behaviour.
cia, your mistress's chamber, where she lay half Lean. Scapin!
in, half out of bed, with her woman by her, read, Gripe. Oh, have I caught you? That name ing an ungodly play-book. makes ye blush, does it?' 'Tis well you have some Lean. And was it your impudence did that?
Sca. They both believed it was a ghost to this Lean. Has he said any thing concerning me? hour. But it was myself played the goblin, to
Gripe. That shall be examined anon: In the frighten her from the scurvy custom of lying mean while, get you home, d'ye hear, and stay awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing filthy till my return; but look to't, if thou hast done plays, when she had never said her prayers. any thing to dishonour me, never think to come Lean. I shall remember you for all in time within my doors, or see my face more: but ex- and place: But come to the point, and tell me pect to be miserable as thy folly and poverty can what thou hast said to my father. make thee.
[Erit Gripe. Sca. To your father? I have not so much as Leon. Very fine; I am in a hopeful condition. seen him since his return, and if you would ask This rascal has betrayed my marriage, and un- him, he'll tell you so himself. done me! Now, there is no way left but to turn Lean. Yes, he told me himself, and told me outlaw, and live by rapine : and, to set my hand all that thou hast said to him. in, the first thing shall be, to cut the throat of Sca. With your good leave, sir, then, he lied; that perfidious pick-thank dog, that bas ruined I beg your perdon, I mean he was mistaken.
Enter OCTAVIAN and Scapin.
Enter Sly. Oct. Dear Scapin, how infinitely am I obliged Sly. Oh, sir, I bring you the most unhappy to thee for thy care!
Lean. Yonder he comes : I'm overjoyed to see Lean. What's the matter? you, good Mr Dog!
Sly. Your mistress, sir, is yonder arrested in Sca. Sir, your most humble servant; you ho- an action of 2001. They say 'tis a debt she left pour me too far.
unpaid at London, in the laste of her escape Lean. You act an ill fool's part; but I shall hither to Dover; and, if you don't raise money
within these two hours to discharge her, she'll be Sca. Sir?
hurried to prison. Oct. Hold! Leander.
Lean. Within these tro hours? Lean. No, Octavian; I'll make him confess the Sly. Yes, sir, within these two hours. treachery he has committed; yes, varlet, dog! I Lean. Ah, my poor Scapin! I want thy assisknow the trick you have played me: You thought, tance.
[SCAPIN wulks about surlily. perhaps, no body would have told me. But I'll Sca. Ah, my poor Scapin! Now, I'ın your make you confess it, or I'll run my sword into poor Scapin; now youv'e need of me. your guts!
Lean. No more! I pardon thee all that thou Sca. Oh, sir, sir ! would you have the hcart to hast done, and worse, if thou are guilty of it. do such a thing? Have I done you any injury, Sca. No, no; never pardon me: run your sir?
sword in my guts; you'll du better to murder Lean. Yes, rascal ! that you have, and I'll make me. you own it, too, or I'll swinge it out of your al- Lean. For Ileaven's sake, think no more upready tanned thick hide.
[Beats him. on that; but study now to assist me. Sca. The devil's in't! Lord, sir! what d'ye Oct. You must do something for him. mean? Nay, good Mr Leauder, pray, Mr Lean- Sca. Yes, to have iny bunes broken for my der; 'squire Leander-As I hope to be saved pains. Oct. Priihee be quiet : for shame! enough. Lean. Would you leave me, Scapin, in this se
[Interposes. vere extremity?
Sca. To put such an affront upon me as you and perilous errors, which his substitutes, serdid!
vants, or trustees, may be capable of, or liable Lean. I wronged thee, 1 confess.
and obnoxious unto; which may arise from the Sca. To use me like a scoundrel, a villain, a imperfection and corruptness of ingenerated narascal; to threaten to run your sword in iny tures, or the taint and contagion of corrupted
education, whereby the fountain-bead of man's Lean. I cry thy mercy with all my heart; and disposition becomes muddy, and all the streams if thou wilt have me throw myself at thy feet, of his manners and conversation run consequentI'll do it.
ly defiled and impure : These things premised, Oct. Faith, Scapin, you must, you cannot but and fore-considered, arm the said prudent philoyield.
sophical Pater-Familias, to find his house laid Sca. Well, then : But do you mark me, sir? an- waste, his wife murdered, his daughters deflowother time, better words and gentler blows. ered, his sons hanged:
Lean. Will you promise to mind my busi- • Cum multis aliis, quæ nunc prescribere lonness?
Sca. As I see convenient, care shall be tal.en.
Sca. Pray, sir, don't be so troublesome : How mark, sir? much money is't you want?
Thrifty. 'Sdeath! Is all this a proverb? Lean. Two hundred pounds.
Sca. Ay, and the best proverb, and the wisest, Sca. And you?
in the world. Good sir, get it by heart :Oct. As much.
'Twill do you the greatest good imaginable; and Sca. [TO LEANDER.] No more to be said; it don't trouble yourself: I'll repeat it to you till shall be done : For you the contrivance is laid you have gotten it by heart. already; and for your father, though he be cove- Thrifty. No, I thank you, sir; I'll have none tous to the last degree, yet, thanks be to Hea- on't. ven, he's but a shallow person; his parts are not Sca. Pray do, you'll like it better next time; extraordinary: Do not take it ill, sir; for you hear it once more, I say—When the mashave no resemblance of him, but that you are ter of a very like him. Be gone! I see Octavia's father Thrifty. Hold, hold; I have better thoughts of conting ; I'll begin with hin.
my own; I am going to my lawyer; I'll null the [E.reunt Octavian and LEANDER. marriage.
Sca. Going to law! Are you mad, to venture Enter THRIFTY.
yourself among lawyers ? Do you not see every Here he comes, mumbling and chewing the cud, day how the spunges suck poor clients, and, with to prove himself a clean beast.
a company of foolish nonsensical terms, and knaThrifty. Oh, audacious boy, to commit so in- vish tricks, undo the nation? No, you shall take solent a crime, and plunge himself in such a mis another way. chief!
Thrifty. You have reason, if there were any Sca. Sir, your humble servant. Thrifty. How do you, Scapin?
Sca. Come, I have found one. The truth is, I Sca. What, you are ruminating on your son's have a great compassion for your grief. I canrash actions ?
not, when I see tender fathers afflicted for their Thrifty. Have I not reason to be troubled ? son's miscarriages, but have bowels for them; I
Sca. The life of man is full of troubles, that's have much ado to refrain weeping for you. the truth on't: But your philosopher is always Thrifty. Truly, my case is sad, very sad. prepared. I remember an excellent proverb of Sca. So it is. "Tears will burst out; I have a the ancients, very fit for your case.
great respect for your person. Thrifty. What's that?
[Counterfeits weeping. Scu. Pray, mind it; 'twill do ye a world of Thrilly. Thank you, with all my heart; in good.
troth we should have a fellow-feeling. Thrifty. What is't, I ask you ?
Sca. Ay, so we should; I assure you there is Sca. Why, when the master of a family shall not a person in the world whom I respect more bc absent any considerable time from his home than the noble Mr Thrifty. or mansion, he ought, rationally, gravely, wisely, Thrifty. Thou art honest, Scapin. Ha' done, and philosophically, to revolve within his mind ha' done. all the concurrent circnmstances, that may, du- Sca. Sir, your most humble servant. ring the interval, conspire to the conjunction of Thrifty. But what is your way? those misfortunes, and troublesome accidents, Sca. Why, in brief, I have been with the that may intervene upon the said absence, and brother of her, whom your wicked son has marthe interruption of his econimal inspection into ried. the remissness, negligences, frailties, and huge Thrifty. What is he?