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Yes, my dear Charlotte, we will go together, Sim. Down on your knees---down on your Together to the theatre we'll go,

marrowbones---(this will make him think, I know There, to their ravished eyes, our skill we'll nothing of the matter-bless his heart for teachshow,

ing me)--down on your marrowbones! And point new beauties to the pit below. Gar. Get up, you fool! get up-dear heart,

I'm all in a fermentation.
Sim. Heavens bless the couple of them ! But

Enter WINGATE, reading a newspaper.
[Erit, and shuts the door after him.
Enter Bailiff, and his followers.

Win. [Reads.)— Wanted, on good security,

• five hundred pounds, for which lawful interest Bail. That's he, yonder, as sure as you're will be given, and a good premium allowed. alive; ay, it is; and he has been about some * Whoever this may suit, enquire for S. T. at the mischief here.

• Crown and Rolls, in Chancery-lane.' This may Fol. No, no, that an't he; that one wears a be worth looking after. I'll have a good premilaced coat--though I can't say--as sure as a gun, um; if the fellow's a fool, I'll fix my eye on him; iç is he.

other people's follies are an estate to the man Bail, Ay, I smoked him at once; do you run

that knows how to make himself useful. So, that way, and stop at the bottom of Catherine friend Gargle, you're up early, I see; nothing strect; i'll go up Drury-lane, and, between us like rising early; nothing to be got by lying in both, it will be odds if we miss him.

bed, like a lubberly fellow-what's the matter [Ereunt. with you? Ha, ha ! You look like a— Ha, ha!

Gar. 0—no wonder-my daughter, my daughEnter watchmen.

ter! Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morn- Win. Your daughter! What signifies a foolish ing. Hey-day! what's here! a ladder at Mr Gar- girl? gle's window? I must alarm the family: Ho! Mr Gar. Oh, dear heart! dear beart! out of the Gargle?

window !

[Knocks at the door. Win. Fallen out of the window ! Well, she Gar. [Abode.)---What's the matter? How was a woman, and 'tis no matter; if she's dead, comes this window to be open ! Ha! A ladder! she's provided for. Here, I found the bookWho's below, there?

could not meet with it last night-here it is 1st Watch. I hope you an't robbed, Mr Gar- there's more sense in it, than in all their Macgle? As I was going my rounds, I found your beths, and their trumpery—[Reads.}--Cocker's

arithmetic-look ye here, now, friend GargleGar. I fear this is some of that young dog's Suppose you have the sixteenth part of a ship, tricks; take away the ladder; I must enquire and I buy one fifth of you, what share of the into all this.

[Erit. ship do i buy?

Gar. Oh, dear sir, 'tis a melancholy caseEnter Simon, like SCRUB.

Win. A melancholy case, indeed, to be so ig.

norant; why should not a man know every thing? Sim. Thieves ! Murder ! Thieves ! Popery! one fifth of one sixteenth, what part have I of Watch. What's the matter with the fellow? the whole? Let me see; I'll do it a short waySim. Spare all I have, and take my life! Gar. Lost beyond redemption ! Watch. Any mischief in the house?

Win. Zookers! be quiet, man; you put me Sim. They broke in with fire and stoord ; out---Seven times seven is' forty-nine, and six they'll be here this minute; five and forty, times twelve is seventy-two-and---and--and-a this will do charmingly—my young master taught here, friend Gargle, take the book, and give it

[Aside. that scoundrel of a fellow. 1st Watch. What, are there thieves in the Gar. Lord, sir, he's returned to his tricks. house?

Win. Returned to his tricks! What, broke Sim. With sword and pistol, sir ; five and loose again? forty:

Gur. Ay; and carried off my daughter with Wateh. Nay, then, 'tis time for me to go; for, him. maybap, I may come to ha' the worst on't. Win, Carried off your daughter ! How did the

[Exit Watch. rascal contrive that?

Gar. Oh, dear sir, the watch alarmed us a Enter GARGLE.

while ago, and I found a ladder at the window; Gar. Dear heart! Dear heart! She's gone!

so, I suppose my young madam made her escape She's gone! My daughter! My daughter! What's Win. Wounds! What business had the fellon the fellow in such a fright for?

with your daughter?

window open.

me this.

that way.

young fellow



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Gar. I wish I had never taken him into my Gar. Yes; who wants him? house; he may debauch the poor girl

Por. Here's a letter for you. Win. And suppose he does--she's a woman, Gar. Let me see it. o dear heart!-Reads. I an't she? Ha, ha! friend Gargle, ha, ha! - To Mr Gargle at the Pestle and Mortar-

Gar. Dear sir, how can you talk thus to a 'Slidikins ! this is a letter from that unfortunate man distracted? Win. I'll never see the fellow's face.

Win. Let me see it, Gargle. Sim. Secrets ! Secrets !

Gar. A moment's patience, good Mr Wingate, Win. What, are you in the secret, friend? and this may unravel all---(Reads. ]---Poor young

Sim. To be sure; there be secrets in all fami- man! His brain is certainly turned ; I can't lies--but, for my part, I'll not speak a word pro make head or tail of it. or con, till there's a peace.

Win. Ha, ha! You're a pretty fellow! give it Win. You won't speak, sirrah! I'll make you me, man---I'll make it out for you--'tis bis hand,

-Do you know nothing of this num- sure enough.---[Reads.] skull? Sim. Who, I, sir? He came home last night

“To Mr Gargle, &c. from your house, and went out again directly. * Most potent, grave, and reverend doctor, my Win. You saw him, then?

'very noble and approved good master! that I Sim. Yes, sir; saw him to be sure, sir; he ' have taken away your daughter, it is most true, made me open the shop door for him; he stop- true I will marry her; 'tis true, 'tis pity, and piped on the threshold, and pointed at one of the ty 'tis, 'tis true!---What, in the name of common clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouzel? sense, is all this?--I have done your shop some

Win. Like an ouzel ? Wounds! What's an service, and you know it; no more of that! yet ouzel?

• I could wish, that, at this time, I bad not been Gar. And the young dog came back in the this thing.'--What can the fellow mean? - For dead of night to steal away my daughter ! * time may have yet one fated hour to come,

Win. I'll tell you what, friend Gargle- _I'll which, winged with liberty, may overtake occathink no more of the fellow---let him bite thesion past.'-Overtake occasion past! Time and bridle.--I'll go mind my business, and not miss tide waits for no man-- I expect redress from an opportunity.

thy noble sorrows; thine and my poor counGar. Good now, Mr Wingate, don't leave me try's ever, in this affliction ! consider, when the animal spi

•R. WINGATE.' rits are properly employed, the whole system's exhilarated, a proper circulation in the smaller Mad as a march hare! I have done with him. ducts, or capillary vessels

let him stay till the shoe pinches, a crack-brainWin. Look ye there, now; the fellow's at his ed numskull! ducks agaiu, ha, ha!

Por. An't please ye, sir, I fancies the gentleGur. But when the spirits are under influ- man is a little beside himself; he took hold on

me here by the collar, and called me villain, and Win. Ha, ha! What a fine fellow you are bid me prove his wife a whore-Lord help now! You're as mad with your physical non- him! I never seed the gentleman's spouse in my sense, as my sou with his Shakespeare and Ben born days before. Thompson

Gar. Is she with him now? Gar. Dear sir, let us go in quest of him; he Por. I believe som

-There's a likely young shall be well phlebotomized; and, for the fu- woman with him, all in tears. ture, I'll keep his solids and fluids in proper ba- Gar. My daughter, to be surelance

Win. Let the fellow go and be hangedMin. Dun't tell me of your solids ; I tell you Wounds! I would not go the length of my arm to he'll never be solid : and so I'll go and mind my save the villain from the gallows. Where was business—let me see, where is this chap—Reads.] he, friend, when he gave you this letter? --ay, ay; at the Crown and Rolls-good morn- Por. I fancy, master, the gentleinan's under ing, friend Gargle; don't plague yourself about troubles — I brought it from a spunging-house. the numskull; study fractions, man; vulgar frac- Win. From a spunging-house? tious will carry you through the world; arithme- Por. Yes, sir, in Grays-Inn-Lanc. tical proportion is, when the antecedent and con- Win. Let himn lie there, let him lie there-I sequent

[Going. am glad of it

Gar. Do, my dear sir, let us step to him
Enter a Porter.

Win. No, not I, let himn stay there--this it is

to have a genius--ha, ha! a genius! ha, ha! Win. Who are you, pray? What do you a genius is a fine thing, indeed! ba, ha, ha! want?

[Erit. L'or. Is one Mr Gargle here?

Gar. Poor man! he has certainly a fever on

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his spirits-do you step in with me, honest man, then, in the fourth act, and then—O, Gemini, I till I slip on my coat, and, then, I'll go after this have ten at least unfortunate boy.

Dick. That will do swimmingly, I've a round Por. Yes, sir ; 'tis in Grays-Inn-lane.

dozen myself-Come, now, begin- you fancy [Ereunt. me dead, and I think the same of you—now, mind

(1 hey stand in attitudes. SCENE IV.--- A spunging house ; Dick and Bai- Win. Only mind the villain!

Liff at a table, and CHARLOTTE sitting in a Dick. O'thou soft fleeting form of Linda disconsolate manner by him.


Char. Illusive shade of my beloved Lord! Bail. Here's my service to you, young gentle- Dick. She lives, she speaks, und we shall still

-don't be uneasy; the debt is not be happy. much ; why do you look so sad?

Win. You lie, you villain! you shan't be hapDick. Because captivity has robbed me of a justpy. and dear diversion.

[Knocks him down. Bail. Never look sulky at me. I never use any Dick. (On the ground.] Perdition catch your body ill. Come, it has been many a good man's arm ! the chance is thine. lot; here's my service to you, but we've no li- Gar. So, my young madam ! I have found you quor; come, we'll have the other bowl

again. Dick. I've now not fifty ducats in the world Dick. Capulet, forbear! Paris, let loose your -- yet still I am in love, and pleased with ruin. hold-She is my wife-our hearts are twined to

Bail. What do you say? you've fifty shillings, gether. I hope?

Win. Sirrah, villain, I'll break every bone in Dick. Now, thank Heaven! I'm not worth a your body

Strikes. groat.

Dick. Parents have finty hearts ; no tears Bail. Then, there's no credit here, I can tell can move them : Children must be wretchyou that you must get bail, or go to New-edgate- -who do you think is to pay house- Win. Get off the ground, you

villain! get

off rent for you? You see your friends won't come the ground! near you-They've all answered in the old cant. Dick. 'Tis a pity there are no scene-drawers

I've promised my wife never to be bail for any to lift me body.! or, I've sworn not to do it,' or, “I'd Win. A scoundrel, to rob your father! you lend you the money if I had it, but desire to be rascal, I have a mind to break your head ! excused from bailing any man. The porter Dick. What, like this ? you just now sent, will bring the same answer, I [Takes off his wig, and shews two patches or warrant. -Such poverty-struck devils as you

his head.] stay in my house! you shall go to Quod, I can Iin. 'Tis mighty well, young man—Zookers ! tell you that

I made my own fortune; and I'll take a boy out (Knocking at the door. of the Blue-coat-hospital, and give him all I Bail. Coming, coming; I am coming; I shall have. Look'e here, friend Garyle. You know, I lodge you in Newgate, I promise you, before am not a hard-hearted man. The scoundrel, you night- not worth a groat! you're a fine know, has robbed me; so, d’ye see, I won't fellow to stay in a man's house! -You shall hang him; I'll only transport the fellowgo to Quod.

[Erit. And so, Mr Catchpole, you may take him to Dick. Come, clear up, Charlotte, never mind Newgate -this- come now let us act the prison-scene Gar. Well, but, dear sir, you know I always in the mourning bride

intended to marry my daughter into your fami

ly; and if you let the young mau be ruined, my Char. How can you think of acting specches, money must all go into another channel. when we're in such distress?

Win. How's that! into another channel! Dick. Nay, but my dear angel

Must not lose the handling of his money

Why, I told you, friend Gargle, I am not a hardEnter WINGATE and GARGLE.

hearted man.

Gar. Why no, sir; but your passionsGar. Hush! Do, dear sir, let us listen to him However, if you will but make the I dare say he repents--

man serve out the last year of his apprenticeship, Win. Wounds! what clothes are those the you know I shall be giving over, and I may put fellow has on? Zookers, the scoundrel has rob- him into all my practice.

Win. Ha, ha! Why, if the blockhead would Dick. Come, now, we'll practise an attitude, but get as many crabbed physical words from How many of them have you?

Hyppocrites and Allen, as he bas from his nonChar. Let me see-one-two-three-and, sensical trumpery–ha, ha! I don't know, be

young gentle

bed me.

tween you and I, but he might pass for a very Dick. Ay, that will be a hundred times in a good physician.

season at least. Besides, it will be like a play, Dick. And must I leave thee, Juliet ? if I reform at the end. Sir, free me so far in

Char. Nay, but, prithee now, have done with your most generous thoughts, that I have shot your speeches. You see we are brought to the my arrow over the house, and hurt my brother. last distress, and so you had better make it up

Win. What do you say, friend?

[Aside to Dick. Char. Nay, but prithee now do it in plain Dick. Why, for your sake, my dear, I could Englishalmost find in my heart

Dick. Well, well, I will. He knows nothing Win. You'll settle your money on your daugh- of metaphors--—Sir, you shall find for the futer?

ture, that we'll both endeavour to give you all Gar. You know it was always my inten- the satisfaction in our power. tion

Win. Very well, that's right; you may do

very Win. I must not let the cash slip through my well

. Friend Gargle, I ain overjoyedhands (Aside.]. Look'e here, young man

--İ Gar. Chearfulness, sir, is the principal ingream the best-natured man in the world. How dient in the composition of health. came this debt, friend?

Win. Wounds, man! let us hear no more of Bail. The gentleman gave his note at Bristol, your physic. Here, young man, put this book in I understands, where he boarded ; 'tis but twen- your pocket, and let me see how soon you'll be ty pounds

master of vulgar fractions. Mr Catchpole, step Win. Twenty pounds! Well

, why don't you home with me, and I'll pay you the money; you send to your friend Shakespeare now to bail seem to be a notable sort of a fellow, Mr Catchyou-ha, ha! I should like to see Shakes- pole; could you nab a man for me? peare give bail--ba, ha ! Mr Catchpole, will you Catch. Fast enough, sir, when I have the take bail of Ben Thompson, and Shakespeare, writand Odyssey Popes?

Win. Very well, come along. I lent a young Buil. No such people have been here, sir- gentleman a hundred pounds, a cool hundred he are they house-keepers ?

called it--ha, ha! it did not stay to cool with Dick. You do not come to mock my mise him. I had a good premium; but I shan't wait ries?

a moment for that--Come along, young man; Gar. Hush, young man ! you'll spoil all- What right have you to twenty pounds ? give Let me speak to you.

-How is your digestion? you twenty pounds! I never was obliged to Dick. "Throw physic to the dogs, I'll none of my family for twenty pounds—but I'll say no it

more; if you have a mind to thrive in this Char. Nay, but dear Dick, for my sake- world, make yourself useful is the golden rule. Win. What says he, Gargle?

Dick. My dear Charlotte, as you are to be iny Gar. He repents, sir-he'll reform

reward, I'll be a new manWin. That's right, Jad; now you're right- Char. Well, now, I shall see how much you and if you will but serve out your time, my love me. friend Gargle, here, will make a man of you. Dick. It shall be my study to deserve you; Wounds! you'll have his daughter and all his and since we don't go on the stage, 'tis some money; and if I hear no more of your trumpe- comfort that the world's a stage, and all the ry, and you mind your business, and stick to my men and women merely players. little Charlotte, and make me a grandfather in my old days; egad, you shall have all mine, too; Some play the upper, some the under parts, that is, when I am dead.

And most assume what's foreign to their Dick. Charlotte, that will do rarely, and we

hearts; may go to the plays as often as we please-- Thus, life is but a tragi-comic jest,

Char. 0, Gemini, it will be the purest thing And all is farce and mummery at best. in the world, and we'll see Romeo and Juliet

[Ereunt oinnes. every time it is acted.


2 A

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at home, and finished a fop abroad; together SCENE I.

with the direction of a marriageable, and there

fore an unmanageable, wench; and all this to Crab discovered reading.

an old fellow of sixty-six, who heartily hates bu

siness, is tired of the world, and despises every "And I do constitute my very good friend, thing in it. Why, how the devil came I to meGiles Crab, esq. of St Martin's in the Fields, ritexecutor to this my will; and do appoint him

Enter Servant. guardian to my ward Lucinda; and do submit to his direction the management of all my af- Şer. Mr Latitat of Staple's Inn.

fairs till the return of my son from his travels; Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the whoin I do entreat my said executor, in consi- hound in. deration of our ancient friendship, to advise, to counsel, &c. &c.

John Buck.'

Enter Latitat, with a bng, &c. A good, pretty legacy! Let's see; I find myself Lat. I would, Mr Crab, have attended your heir, by this generous devise of my very good summons immediately; but I was obliged to sign friend, to ten actions at common law, nine suits judgment in error at the common pleas; sue out in chancery; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby of the exchequer a writ of quæ minus; and sur

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