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Win. Can you tell how much is five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound? Five-eighths of three sixteenths of a pound. Ay, ay, I see you're a blockhead; look ye, young man, if you have a mind to thrive in this world, study figures, and make yourself useful; make yourself useful. Dick. How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable, seem to me all the uses of this world!

Win. Mind the scoundrel now

Gar. Do, Mr Wingate, let me speak to himsoftly, softly; I'll touch him gently: Come, come, young man, lay aside this sulky humour, and speak as becomes a son.

Dick. O Jeptha, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!

Win. What does the fellow say?

Gar. He relents, sir. Come, come, youn man, he'll forgive

Dick. They fool me to the top of my bentGad, I'll hum 'em to get rid of 'em-a truant disposition, good my lord-No, no, stay, that's not right, I have a better speech-It is as you say; when we are sober, and reflect but ever so little on our follies, we are ashamed and sorry; and yet, the very next minute, we rush again into the very same absurdities.

Win. Well said, lad, well said! mind me, friend: Commanding our own passions, and artfully taking advantage of other peoples, is the sure road to wealth: Death and fire! but I won't put myself in a passion: 'Tis my regard for you makes me speak; and if I tell you you're a scoundrel, 'tis for your good.

Dick. Without doubt, sir. [Stifling a laugh. Win. If you want any thing, you shall be provided have you any money in your pocket? ha, ha! what a ridiculous numskull you are now! ha, ha! Come, here's some money for you-[Pulls out his money, and looks at it.] I'll give it to you another time; and so you'll inind what I say to you, and make yourself useful for the future.

Dick. Else, wherefore breathe I in a Christian land?

Win. Zookers! you blockhead, you'd better stick to your business, than turn buffoon, and get truncheons broke upon your arm, and be tumbling upon carpets.

Dick. I shall in all my best obey you, sir. Win. Very well, friend; very well said---you may do very well if you please; and so I'll say no more to you, but make yourself useful; and so now, go and clean yourself, and make ready to go home to your business; and mind me, young man, let me see no more play-books, and let me never find that you wear a laced waistcoat-you Scoundrel, what right have you to wear a laced waistcoat? I never wore laced waistcoat; never wore one till I was forty. But I'll not put

VOL. III.

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I must be cruel, only to be kind;
Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind.
Cocker's Arithmetic, sir?

Win. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetic. Study figures, and they'll carry you through the world. Dick. Yes, sir. [Stifling a laugh.] Cocker's Arithmetic! [Exit DICK. Win. Let him mind me, friend Gargle, and I'll make a man of him.

Gar. Ay, sir, you know the world. The young man will do very well. I wish he were out of his time; he shall then have my daughter.

Win. Yes, but I'll touch the cash-he shan't finger it during my life. I must keep a tight hand over him. [Goes to the door.] Do ye hear, friend? Mind what I say, and go home to your business immediately. Friend Gargle, I'll make a man of him—

Enter DICK.

Dick. Who called on Achmet? Did not Barbarossa require me here?

Win. What's the matter now? Barossa! Wounds! What's Barossa? Does the fellow call me names? What makes the blockhead stand in such confusion?

Dick. That Barbarossa should suspect my truth!

Win. The fellow's stark staring mad! Get out of the room! you villain, get out of the room!

[DICK stands in a sullen mood. Gar. Come, come, young man, every thing is easy; don't spoil all again. Go and change your dress, and come home to your business---nay, nay, be ruled by me.

[Thrusts him off.

Win. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle; if he vexes me once more, I'll have nothing to say to him. Well, but now I think of it, I have Cocker's arithmetic below stairs in the countinghouse; I'll step and get it for him, and so he shall take it home with him. Friend Gargle, your servant.

Gar. Mr Wingate, a good evening to you; you'll send him home to his business.

Win. He shall follow you home directly. Fiveeighths of three-sixteenths of a pound! Multiply the numerator by the denominator; five times sixteen is ten times eight, ten times eight is eighty, and a-a-carry one. [Exit.

Enter DICK and SIMON.

Sim. Lord love ye, master-I'm so glad you're come back-Come, we had as good e'en gang home to my master Gargle's

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Dick. No, no, Simon, stay a moment; this is but a scurvy coat I have on, and I know my father has always some jemmy thing locked up in his closet. I know his ways; he takes them in pawn, for he'll never part with a shilling without security.

Sim. Hush! he'll hear us. Stay, I believe he's coming up stairs.

Dick. [Goes to the door, and listens.] No, no, no; he's going down, growling and grumblingay, say ye so, scoundrel, rascal! let him bite the bridle-Six times twelve is seventy-two.— All's safe, man, never fear him; do you stand here, I shall dispatch this business in a crack. Sim. Blessings on him! what is he about now? Why, the door is locked, master.

Dick. Ay, but I can easily force the lock; you shall see me do it as well as any sir John Brute of them all; this right leg here is the best locksmith in England-so, so! [Forces the door, and goes in.]

Sim. He's at his plays again. Odds my heart, he's a rare hand! he'll go through with it, I'll warrant him! Old Cojer must not smoke that I have any concern, I must be main cautious Lord bless his heart! he's to teach me to act Scrub. He begun with me long ago, and I got as far as the Jesuit, before a went out of town: -Scrub! Coming, sir. Lord, ma'am, I've a whole packet full of news-some say one thing, and some say another; but, for my part, ma'am -I believe he's a Jesuit.'-that's main pleasant -I believe he's a Jesuit.

Re-enter DICK.

horrid speech, you must stand between the scenes,
and cry bitterly.
[Teaches him.

Sim. Yes, sir.

Dick. And when I'm playing comedy, you must be ready to laugh your guts out, [Teaches him.] for I shall be very pleasant-Tolderoll— [Dances.]

Sim. Never doubt me, sir.

Dick. Very well; now run down and open the street-door; I'll follow you in a crack. Sim. I am gone to serve you, master

Dick. To serve thyself for, look'e, Simon, when I am a manager, claim thou of me the care of the wardrobe, with all those moveables, whereof the property-man now stands possest.

Sim. O Lud! this is charming-Hush! I am [Going.

gone.

Dick. Well, but hark'e, Simon, come hither; what money have you about you, Master Matthew?

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Dick. Thus far we run before the wind. An apothecary! make an apothecary of me!-what! cramp my genius over a pestle and mortar, or mew me up in a shop, with an alligator stuft, and a beggarly account of empty boxes!-to be

Dick. I have done the deed-Didst thou not culling simples, and constantly adding to the hear a noise?

Sim. No, master; we're all snug.

"I promise to pay'—ha !

I promise to pay to Mr Moneytrap, or order, on demand'-'tis his hand, a note of his; yet more -the sum of seven pounds fourteen shillings and sevenpence, value received by me.'-London, this 15th June, 1755-'Tis wanting what should follow; his name should follow, but 'tis torn off-because the note is paid.

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bills of mortality !-No, no! It will be much better to be pasted up in capitals, The part of Dick. This coat will do charmingly! I have Romeo, by a young gentleman, who never apbilked the old fellow nicely!-In a dark cornerpeared on any stage before!My ambition of his cabinet, I found this paper; what it is fires at the thought— -But hold-mayn't I the light will shew. run some chance of failing in my attempt—hissed-pelted-laughed at-not admitted into the Green-room-That will never do-Down, busy devil, down! down!-Try it again :-loved by the women, envied by the men, applauded by the pit, clapped by the gallery, admired by the boxes. Dear colonel, is not he a charming creature? My lord, don't you like him of all things?— Makes love like an angel!-What an eye he has ! -fine legs!-I'll certainly go to his benefit.Celestial sounds!--And, then, I'll get in with all the painters, and have myself put up in every print-shop-in the character of Macbeth! This is a sorry sight. [Stands in an attitude.] In the character of Richard, Give me another horse! bind up my wounds!—this will do rarely--and, then, I have a chance of getting well married- O glorious thought!heaven I will enjoy it, though but in fancyBut, what's o'clock?-it must be almost nine.

Sim. O Lord! Dear sir, you'll spoil allI wish we were well out of the housebest way, master, is to make off directly.

-Our

Dick. I will, I will; but first help me on with this coat; Simon, you shall be my dresser; you'll be fine and happy behind the scenes.—

Sim. O Lud! it will be main pleasant; I have been behind the scenes in the country, when I lived with the man that shewed wild beastices.

Dick. Hark'e, Simon; when I am playing some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear with

By

I'll away at once; this is club-night.-'Egad I'll go to them for a while-the spouters are all met little they think I'm in town-they'll be surprized to see me-Off I go, and, then, for my assignation with my master Gargle's daughterPoor Charlotte!-she's locked up, but I shall

find means to settle matters for her escapeShe's a pretty theatrical genius-If she flies to my arms, like a hawk to its perch, it will be so rare an adventure, and so dramatic an incident! -Limbs, do your office, and support me well; bear me but to her, then fuil me if you can! [Exit,

ACT II.

SCENE I-Discovers the spouting-club, the members seated, and roaring out Bravo! while one stands at a distance repeating-

1st Mem. Cursed be your senate, cursed your constitution! The curse of growing fuctions and divisions still vex your councils!

2d Mem. Don't you think his action a little confined?

1st Mem. Psha! you blockhead! don't you know that I'm in chains?——

2d Mem. Blockhead, say ye?-was not I the first that took compassion on you, when you lay like a sneaking fellow under the counter, and swept your master's shop in a morning? when you read nothing but the Young Man's Pocket Companion, or the True Clerk's Vade Mecum? did not I put Chrononhotonthologos in your hand?

All. Bravo, bravo!—

thought I should ha' killed every one that came in my way!

Irish. Stand out of the way, lads, and you'll see me give a touch of Othello, my dear[Takes the cork and burns it, and blacks his face.] The devil burn the cork! it would not do it fast enough.

1st Mem. Here, here; I'll lend you a helping hand.-[Blacks him.] [Knocking at the door. 2d Mem. Open locks, whoever knocks.

Enter DICK.

Dick. How now, ye secret, black, and midnight hags? what is't ye do?

All. Ha! The genius come to town-Huzza, huzza! The genius

Dick. How fare the honest partners of my heart? Jack Hopeless, give us your handGuildenstern, yours-Ha! Rosencrants-GenPre. Come, gentlemen, let us have no dis-tlemen, I rejoice to see ye-But come, the news, putes. Consider, gentlemen, this is the honourable society of spouters; and so, to put an end to all animosities, read the seventh rule of this society.

A Member Reads.

That business, or want of money, shall not 'be received as an excuse for non-attendance; ⚫ nor the anger of parents, or other relations; nor - the complaints of our masters be ever heard; by which means, this society will be able to ⚫ boast its own mimic heroes, and be a nursery of young actorlings for the stage, in * spite of the mechanic genius of our friends.'

the news of the town! Has any thing been damned? Any new performers this winter? How often has Romeo and Juliet been acted? Come, my bucks, inform me; I want news.

1st Mem. You shall know all in good time: but, prithee, my dear boy, how was it? You played at Bristol; let's hear.

2d Mem. Ay; let's have it, dear Dick. Dick. Look ye there, now-Let's have it, dear boy, and dear Dick.

1st Mem. Nay, nay; but how was you received?

Dick. Romeo was my part-I touched their souls for them; every pale face from the wells was there, and so on I went-but rot them, never mind them—What bloody scene has Roscius now to act?

Pre. That is not the rule I mean; but come, we'll fill a measure the table round- -now 1st Mem. Several things; but, Genius, why good digestion wait on appetite, and health on did you come to us so late? Why did not you both.

All. Huzza, huzza, huzza !

Pre. Come, gentlemen, let us have no quarrels.
All. Huzza, buzza!
Scotch. Come, now, I'll
Macbeeth!-

gee you a touch of

come in the beginning of the night?

Dick. Why, I intended it: but who should I meet in my way but my friend Catcall, a devilish good critic; and so he and I went together, and had our pipes to close the orifice of the stomach, you know; and what do you think I learned of

1st Mem. That will be rare! Come let's have him? it.

Scotch. What do'st leer at, mon?—I have had muckle applause at Edinburgh, when I enacted in the Reegiceede; and I now intend to do Macbeeth-I saw the degger yesternect, and I

1st Mem. I can't say.

Dick. Can you tell, -now, whether the emphasis should be laid upon the epitaph, or the sub stantive?

1st Mem. Why, no

Dick. Ever, while you live, lay your emphasis upon the epitaph.

Irish. Arrah, my dear, but what is that same epitaph, now?

Dick. Arrah, my dear cousin Mackshane, won't you put a remembrance upon me?

Irish. Ow! but is it mocking you are? Look ye, my dear, if you'd be taking me off-Don't you call it taking off? By my shoul, I'd be making you take yourself off What? If you're for being obstropolous, I would not matter you three skips of a flea.

Dick. Nay, prithee, no offence; I hope we shall be brother-players.

Irish. Ow! then we'd be very good friends; for, you know, two of a trade can never agree, my dear.

Scotch. Locke is certainly reet in his chapter aboot innate ideas; for this mon is born without any at all; and the other mon, yonder, I doot, is no greet heed-piece.

Dick. What do you intend to appear in? Irish. Othollo, my dear; let me alone; you'll see how I'll bodder them; though, by my shoul, myshelf does not know but I'd be frightened when every thing is in a hubbub, and nothing to be heard, but throw him over!'---' over with him !'----' off, off, off the stage!'---' music!— won't ye ha' some orange-chips?'--' won't ye ha' some nonpareils ?'--Ow! but, may be, the dear craturs in the boxes will be lucking at my legs Ow! to be sure---the devil burn the luck they'll give them!

Dick. I shall certainly laugh in the fellow's face. [Aside.

Irish. Ow! never mind it; let me alone, my dear; may be, I'd see a little round face from Dublin, in the pit, may be I would; but then, won't I be the first gentleman of my name, that turned stage-player? My cousin would rather see me starve like a gentleman, with honour and reputation-myshelf does be ashamed when I think of it.

Scotch. Stay till you hear me give a specimen

of elocution.

Dick. What, with that impediment, sir? Scotch. Impeediment! What impeediment? I do not leesp, do I? I do no squeent---I am well leemed, am I not?

Irish. By my shoul, if you go to that, I am as well timbered myself as any of them; and shall inake a figure in genteel and top comedy.

-I am thy father's spirit, HamletDick. Po! Prithee, you're not fat enough for a ghost.

Mem. I intend to make my first appearance in it, for all that; only I'm puzzled about one thing -I want to know, when I come on first, whether I should make a bow to the audience?

Another Mem. Now, gentlemen, for the true way of dying-Spreads a blanket.]-now for a little phrenzy-[Repeats a dying speech, and rolls himself up in the blanket.]

[Watch behind the scenes; past five o'clock, cloudy morning.]

Dick. Hey! past five o'clock---'Sdeath, I shall miss my appointment with Charlotte; I have staid too long, and shall lose my proselyte— come, let us adjourn.

All. Ay; let us sally forth.

Irish. With all my heart; though I should have boddered them finely, if they had staid.

Scotch. I should have sheened in Mockbeeth; but never meend it; I'll go now to my friend the bookseller, and translate Cornelius Tacitus, or Grotius de Jure Belli---and so, gentlemen, your servant.

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Scotch. I'll give you a specimen of Mock-us! beeth.

Enter the spouters.

Dick. Angels and ministers of grace defend

1st Mem. By Heavens I'll tear you joint by Irish. Make haste, then; and I'll begin O-joint, and strew this hungry church-yard with thollo. your limbs!

Scotch. Is this a dagger that I see before me,

&c. Irish. [Collaring him.]--Willain, be sure you prove my love a whore, &c.

[Another member comes forward with his face pou dered, and a pipe in his hand.]

Dick. Avaunt, and quit my sight! thy bones are marrowless--there's no speculation in those eyes, that thou dost glare withal.

Watch. Prithee, don't disturb the peace.
A Mem. Be sure you write him down an ass.
Dick. Be alive again; and dare me to the de-

sart with thy pole---take any shape but that, and you there's no occasion for the ladder; I have my firm nerves shall never tremble. Watch. Soho, soho!

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SCENE III.-Another street. Enter DICK, with a lanthorn and a ladder. Dick. All's quiet here; the coast's clear; now for my adventure with Charlotte; this ladder will do rarely for the business, though it would be better, if it were a ladder of ropes---but hold; have not I seen something like this on the stage? Yes I have, in some of the entertainments-Ay; I remember an apothecary, and hereabout he dwells-this is my master Gargle's; being dark, the beggar's shop is shut-What, ho! apothecary!--but soft-What light breaks through yonder window? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, &c.

Char. Who's there? My Romeo?

Dick. The same, my love; if it not thee displease.

Char. Hush! Not so loud; you'll waken my father.

Dick. Alas! there's more peril in thy eye— Char. Nay; but, prithee, now, I tell you you'll spoil all; what made you stay so long?

Dick. Chide not, my fair; but let the god of Love laugh in thy eyes, and revel in thy heart.

Char. As I am a living soul, you'll ruin every thing; be but quiet, and I'll come down to you. [Going. Dick. No, no; not so fast: Charlotte, let us act the garden scene first.

Char. A fiddle-stick for the garden scene! Dick. Nay, then, I'll act Ranger-up I go, neck or nothing.

Char. Dear heart, you're enough to frighten a body out of one's wits; don't come up; I tell

settled every thing with Simon, and he's to let me through the shop, when he opens it.

Dick. Well, but I tell you I would not give a farthing for it without the ladder; and so, up I go!

Enter SIMON at the door.

Sim. Sir, sir; madam, madam

Dick. Prithee, be quiet, Simon; I am ascending the high top-gallant of my joy.

Sim. An't please you, master, my young mistress may come through the shop; I am going to sweep it out, and she may escape that way fast

enow.

Char. That will do purely; and so do you stay where you are, and prepare to receive me. [Exit from above.

Dick. No, no, but that won't take; you shan't hinder me from going through my part----[Goes up.]---A woman, by all that's lucky! Neither old nor crooked; in I go---[Goes in.]—and, for fear of the pursuit of the family, I'll make sure of the ladder.

Sim. Hist, hist, master! leave that there, to save me from being suspected. Dick. With all my heart, Simon.

[Exit from above. Sim. [Alone.]---Lord love him, how comical he is! It will be fine for me, when we're playing the fool together, to call him brother Martin. Brother Martin!

Enter CHARLOTTE.

Char. O lud! I'm frighted out of my wits; where is he?

Sim. He's a coming, madam--[Calls to him.]--Brother Martin!

Enter DICK.

Dick. Cuckold him, madam, by all means--I'm your man.

Char. Well now, I protest and vow, I wonder how you can serve a body so; feel with what a pit-a-pat action my heart beats.

Dick. 'Tis an alarm to love; quick, let me snatch thee to thy Romeo's arms, &c.

Watch. [Behind the scenes.]-Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning.

Char. Dear heart, don't let us stand fooling here; as I live and breathe, we shall both be taken; do, for Heaven's sake, let us make our escape.

ing.

Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morn

Char. It comes nearer and nearer; let us make off.

Dick. Give us your hand, then, my pretty little adventurer; I attend you.

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