Har. I wish they were in your guts with all my heart! I must quit the field, I find.

[Exit HARTOP.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now! a passionate man! Lack-a-day, I am glad the pope is not to have Gibraltar though. [Exit.

Tim. CONSTANTINOPLE, N. S. Nov. 15, the Grand Seignior

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day! good now, Tim, the politics, child and read the stars, and the dashes, and the blanks, as I taught you, Tim.

Tim. Yes, father-We can assure our readers, that the D-dash is to go to F blank: and that a certain noble L-is to resign his p-e in the t—y in order to make room for the two three

stars.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now! great news, Tim! Ah, I knew the two three stars would come in play one time or other. This London Evening knows more than any of them. Well, child, well.

Tim. From the D. J.

Sir Gre. Ay, that's the Dublin Journal. Go on, Tim.

Tim. Last Saturday, a gang of highwaymen broke into an empty house on Ormond quay, and stripped it of all the furniture.

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, wonderful! To what a height these rogues are grown!

Tim. The way to Mr Keith's chapel, is turn off your

Sir Gre. Psha! skip that, Tim; I know that road as well as the doctor: 'tis in every time.

Tim. J. Ward, at the Cat and Gridiron, Petticoat lane, makes tabby all over for people inclined to be crooked; and if he was to have the universal world for making a pair of stays, he could not put better stuff in them

Sir Gre. Good now; where's that, Tim? Tim. At the Cat and Gridiron, father. Sir Gre. I'll minute that: All my lady Isard's children, good now, are inclined to be crooked.

Enter Drawer.

Draw. Sir, Mr Jenkins begs to speak with you.

Sir Gre. Good now; desire him to walk in.

Enter JENKINS.

Jenk. I thought it might not be improper to prepare you for a visit from sir Penurious Trifle. I saw him and his daughter alight at the apothecary's above.

Sir Gre. What, they are come? Wonderful! Very kind, very kind, very kind, indeed, Mr

Tim. Yes, father! but must not I kiss Miss Suck?

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, ay, ay. Pray, is cousin Hartop come along?

Jenk. I have not seen him; but I fancy I had better introduce my neighbours.

Sir Gre. Good now, would you be so kind? [Exit JENKINS.] Stand behind me, Tim-Pull down your ruffles, child.

Tim. But, father, won't Miss Suck think me bold, if I kiss her chops the first time?

Faint

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day! no, Tim, no. heart never won fair lady. Ha, Tim, had you but seen me attack dame Winny! But times aren't as they were. Good now, we were another kind of folks in those days; stout hearty smacks, that would ha' made your mouth water again; and the mark stood upon the pouting lip, like the print upon a pound of butter. But the master-misses of the present age go, lack-a-day, as gingerly about it, as if they were afraid to fill their mouths with the paint upon their mistresses' cheeks. Ah, the days I have seen!

Tim. Nay, father, I warrant, if that's all, I kiss her hearty enow, fath and sole !

Sir Gre. Hush, Tim, hush! Stand behind me, child.

Enter HARTOP as SIR PENURIOUS TRIFLE, and JENNY as MISS SUKEY, and JENKINS.

Har. Ay, ay, stout enough, sir Gregory; stout enough, brother knight; hearty as an oak. Hey, Dick? Gad, now I talk of an oak, I'll tell you a story of an oak. It will make you die with laughing. Hey, you Dick, you have heard it; shall I tell it sir Gregory?

Jen. Though I have heard it so often, yet there is something so engaging in your manner of telling a story, that it always appears new.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now

I love a comical story. Pray, sir Penurious, let's have it.-Mind, Tim; mind, child.

Tim Yes, father; fath and sole, I love a choice story to my heart's blood!

Har. You, knight, I was at Bath last summer -a water that people drink when they are ill. You have heard of the bath, Dick? Hey, you?

Tim. Yes, fath, I know Bath; I was there in my way up.

Sir Gre. Hush, Tim; good now, hush! Har. There's a coffee-house, you--a place where people drink coffee and tea, and read the

news.

Sir Gre. Pray, sir Penurious, how many papers may they take in?

Har. Psha! damn the news! mind the story. Sir Gre. Good now, good now! a hasty man, Tim!

Har. Pox take you both! I have lost the story-Where did I leave off? Hey-you Dick.

Tim. About coffee and tea.

Har. Right, right! True, true! So, ecod, you knight, I used to breakfast at this coffee-house every morning; it cost me eight-pence, though, and I had always a breakfast at home-no matter for that, though! there I breakfasted, you, Dick, ecod, at the same table with lord Tom Truewit-You have heard of Truewit, you knight? a droll dog! You, Dick, he told us the story, and made us die with laughing. You have heard of Charles II. you knight; he was son of Charles I. king here, in England, that was beheaded by Oliver Cromwell: So, what does Charles I. you knight, do? But he fights Noll at Worcester, a town you have heard of, not far off: but all would not do, you: ecod, Noll made him scamper, made him run, take to his heels, you kuight. Truewit told us the story, made us die with laughing. I always breakfasted at the coffee-house; it cost me eightpence, though I had a breakfast at home-So what does Charles do, but hid himself in an oak, an oak-tree, you, in a wood, called Boscobel, from two Italian words, Bosco Bello, a fine wood, you; and off he marches: but old Noll would not let him come home; no, says he, you don't come here. Lord Tom told us the story; made us die with laughing; it cost me eightpence, though I had a breakfast at home. So, you knight, when Noll died, Monk there, you, afterwards Albemarle, in the north, brought him back. So, you, the cavaliers, you have heard of them? they were friends to the Stuarts. What did they do, ecod, you Dick! But they put up Charles in a sign, the royal oak; you have seen such signs at country ale-houses: so, ecod, you, what does a puritan do?-the puritans were friends to Noll-but he puts up the sign of an owl in the ivy-bush, and underneath he writes,' This is not the royal oak. You have seen writings under signs, you knight? Upon this, says the royalists, ecod, this must not be: so,

you, what do they do, but, ecod, they prosecuted the poor puritan; but they made him change his sign, though. And you, Dick, how d'ye think they changed it? Ecod, he puts up the royal oak, and underneath he writes, This is not the owl in the ivy-bush.' It made us all die with laughing. Lord Tom told the story. I always breakfasted at the coffee-house, though it cost me eightpence, and I had a breakfast at home; hey, you knight? What, Dick, hey?

Sir Gre. Good now, good now! Wonderful! Tim. A choice tale, fath!

Jen. Oh, sir Penurious is a most entertaining companion, that must be allowed.

Sir Gre. Good now, ay, ay, a merry man! But, lack-a-day, would not the young lady choose a little refreshment after her ride? Some tea, or

some

Har. Hey, you knight! No, no; we intend to dine with thee, man. Well, you, Tim, what dost think of thy father-in-law that is to be, hey? A jolly cock, you, Tim; hey, Dick? But, prithee, boy, what dost do with all this tawdry tinsel on? that hat and waistcoat? trash, knight, trash! more in thy pocket, and less in thy clothes; hey, you Dick? ecod, you knight, I'll make you laugh: I went to London, you, Dick, last year, to call in a mortgage; and what does me, I, Dick, but take a trip to a coffee-house in St Martin's-lane; in comes a French fellow forty times as fine as Tim, with his muff and parlevous, and his Frances; and his head, you knight, as white with powder, ecod, you, as a twelfth cake: and who the devil d'ye think, Dick, this might be, hey, you knight?

Sir Gre. Good now, an ambassador, to be sure.

Har. Ecod, you knight, nor better nor worse than Mynheer Vancaper, a Dutch figure-dancer at the opera house in the Haymarket.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now!

Har. Psha! Pox, prithee, Tim, nobody dresses now; all plain look at me, knight; I am in the tip of the mode; now am I in full dress; hey, Dick?

Jen. You, sir, don't want the aid of dress; but in Mr Gazette, a little regard to that particular is but a necessary compliment to his mistress.

Har. Stuff, Dick, stuff! my daughter, knight, has had otherguess breeding. Hey, you, Suck, come forward. Plain as a pike-staff, knight; all as nature made her; hey, Tim? no flams. Prithee, Tim, off with thy lace, and burn it; 'twill help to buy the licence; she'll not like thee a bit the better for that; hey, Suck? but you, knight; ecod, Dick, a toast and tankard would not be amiss after our walk; hey, you?

Sir Gre. Good now, good now! What you will, sir Penurious.

Har. Ecod, that's hearty, you! but we won't part the young couple, hey? I'll send Suck some bread and cheese in; hey, knight? at her,

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, sir Penurious is busy Well, miss, and did Tim do the thing? did he please you? Come now, tell us the whole story: wonderful! rare news for dame Winny! ha, Tim's father's own son! But come, whisper

Jen. Woman! he neither knows, nor is known, by any body here. What can this mean? No Counter-plot? But, pox, that's impossible! You have not blabbed, Jenny?

Jenny. My interest would prevent me. Jen. Upon that security any woman may, I think, be trusted. I must after him, though. [Exit JEN, Jenny. I know the time when Jenkins would not have left me so hastily. Heigh bo!

Enter HARTOP as SIR PENURIOUS, and SIR GREGORY GAZETTE.

Har. And so, you knight, says he--you Inow, knight, what low dogs the ministers were, then: how does your pot-a pot, you, that they put over the fire to boil broth and meat in-you have seen a pot, you knight? how does your pot boil these troublesome times? hey you! Ecod, my lord, says he, I don't know, I seldom go into my kitchen. A kitchen, you knight, is a place where they dress victuals, roast and boil, and so forth: Ecod, says he, I seldom go into the kitchen-But I suppose, the scum is uppermost still! Hey, you knight! what, ecod, hey? But where's your son, sir Gregory?

Sir Gre. Good now, good now-Where is Tin, Miss Sukey? lack-a-day! what is become of Tim?

Jenny. Gone out a tiny bit; he'll be here prescutly.

1

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now! Wel!, and how, Miss Sukey-has Tim? has he, well? and what, you have-wonderful!

Enter a Servant, with a letter.

Ser. Sir, I was commanded to deliver this into your own hands, by Mr Jenkins.

Hur. Hey, you! what, a letter? ecod so!answer, you? hey?

Ser. None, sir.

Har. I have only time to tell you, that your scheme is blasted; this instant I encountered Mrs Penelope Trifle, with her niece; they will soon be with you.' So, then, all is over; but let us see what expedition will do—Well, you knight, hey? what, have they settled?-Is the girl willing?

Sir Gre. Good now, good now! right as my leg! ah, Tim, little did I think-But, lack-aday, I wonder where the boy is! let us scek him.

Har. Agreed, you knight; hey, come.
Enter JENKINS.

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, here's Mr Jenkins.-
Good now, have you seen Tin?

Jen. Your curiosity shall be immediately satisfied; but I must first have a word with sir Penurious.

Har. Well you!--what, hey?—any news, Dick?

Jen. Better than you could hope; your rival is disposed of.

Har. Disposed of! how?

Jen. Married by this time, you rogue!-The woman that wanted him was no other than Mally Pengrouse, who trudged it up all the way after him, as Tim says: I have recommended them to my chaplain, and before this the business is done.

Har. Bravissimo, you rogue! but how shall I get off with the knight?

Jen. Nay, that must be your contrivance.

Har. I have it-Suppose I was to own the whole design to sir Gregory, as our plan has not succeeded with his son; and, as lie seems to have a tolerable regard for me, it is possible he may assist my scheme on sir Penurious.

Jen. 'Tis worth trying, however. But he comes.

Sir Gre. Well, good now, Mr Jenkins, have you seen Tim? I can't think where the boy

Har. 'Tis now time, sir Gregory, to set you clear with respect to some particulars. I am no longer sir Penurious Trifie, but your friend and relation, Jack Hartop.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now, cousin Hartop! as I am a living man-heyWell, but, good now! how, Mr Jenkins, bey?

Jen. The story, sir Gregory, is rather too long to tell you now: but in two words-my friend Hartop has very long had a passion for Miss Trifle, and was apprehensive your son's application would destroy his views-which in order to defeat, he assumed the character of sir Penurious; but he is so captivated with your integrity

and friendship, that he rather chooses to forego his own interest, than interrupt the happiness of your son.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! good now, good now, that is kind! who could have thought it, cousin Hartop? lack-a-day! Well, but where's Tim? hey, good now! and who are you?

Jen. This, sir, is Jenny, the handmaid of the house.

Sir Gre. Wonderful! a pestilent hussy !-Ah, Hartop, you are a wag! a pize of your pots, and your royal oaks! lack-a-day, who could ha' thought- ah, Jenny, you're a-But where's Tim?

Enter SIR GREGORY's servant Ser. Wounds, master! never stir alive if master Tim has na gone and married Mally Pengrouse !

Sir Gre. Well, well, if thee can'st forgive thyself, I can forgive thee; but thank my cousin

Sir Gre. And how came she here? lack-aday, cousin!

Ser. She tramped it up after master. Master Timothy is without, and says as how they be married. I wanted him to come in, but he's afraid you'll knock'n down.

Sir Gre. Knock'n down! Good now, let me come at him! I'll-ah, rogue! Lack-a-day, cousin, show me where he is! I'll

Har. Moderate your fury, good sir Gregory; consider, it is an evil without a remedy.

Sir Gre. But what will Dame Winny say? Good now, such a disparagement to—and, then, what will sir Penurious say? lack-a-day, I am almost distracted! And you, you lubberly dog! why did not you-I'll-ah, cousin Hartop, cousin Hartop! good now, good now!

Enter Waiter.

Wait. Sir, Mrs Penelope Trifle, with her niece, being come to town, and hearing your worship was in the house, would be glad to pay you their compliments.

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day! wonderful! here we are all topsy-turvey again! What can be done now, cousin Hartop?

Har. Dick! show the ladies in here; but delay them a little. The luckiest incident in the world, sir Gregory! If you'll be kind enough to lend Jenkins your dress, and Master Timothy will lend me his, I'll make up matters in a moment.

Sir Gre. Ay, ay, cousin.

Tim. Fath and sole, you shall have mine

Har. No, no! Step into the next room a minute, sir Gregory.

ly.

Sir Gre. Aye, aye, where you will. Tim. Faith, here will be choice sport.

[Exeunt.

Enter MRS PENELOPE and SUCK, with
Waiter.

Wait. The gentleman will wait on you present-
Would you choose any refreshment?
Suck. A draught of ale, friend, for I am main

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day! ay, cousin, ay.

Mrs Pen. Fie, fie, niece! is that liquor for a young lady? Don't disparage your family and breeding. The person is to be born that ever saw me touch any thing stronger than water till I was three-and twenty.

ber what you did, then.