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SCENE I.-A room.
rious Trifle, was a sufficient motive for his ad
vancing what money I wanted by way of mortHARTOP and JENKINS discovered.
gage; the hard terms he imposed upon me, and Jen. I should not chuse to marry into such a the little regard I have paid to economy, has family.
made it necessary for me to attempt, by some Har. Choice, dear Dick, is very little con- scleme, the re-establishment of my fortune. cerned in the matter; and, to convince you that This young lady's simplicity, not to say ignorlove is not the minister of my counsels, know, ance, presented her at once as a proper subject that I never saw hut once the object of my pre- for my purpose. sent purpose; and that too at a time, and in a Jen. Success to you, Jack, with all my soul! a circumstance, not very likely to stamp a favour-fellow of your spirit and vivacity, mankind ought able impression. What think you of a raw to support, for the sake of themselves. For whatboarding-school girl at Lincoln-Minster, with a ever Seneca and the other moral writers may mind unpolished, a figure uninformed, and a set have suggested in contempt of riches, it is plain of features tainted with the colour of her un- their maxims were not calculated for the world wholesome food?
as it now stands. In days of yore, indeed, when Jen. No very engaging object indeed, Hartop. virtue was called wisdoin, and vice folly, such
Har. Your thoughts now were mine then; but principles might have been encouraged: but as some connexions I have since had with her fa- ihe present subjects of our enquiry are, not what ther, have given birth to my present design upon a man is, but what he has; as to be rich, is to be her. You are no stranger to the situation of my wise and virtuous, and to be poor, ignorant, and circumstances : my neighbourhood to sir Penu- vicious—I heartily applaud your plan.
Har. Your observation is but too just. nal, nor the Worcester Courant, nor the North
Jen. But, prithee, in the first place, how can ampton Mercury, nor the Chester? Mr Jenkins, you gain admittance to your mistress ? and, in I am your humble servant : A strange town this, the second, is the girl independent of her father? Mr Jenkins; no news stirring, no papers taken His consent, I suppose, you have no thought of in! Is that gentleman a stranger, Mr Jenkins ? obtaining?
Pray, sir, not to be too bold, you don't come from Har. Some farther proposals concerning my London? estate; such as an increase of the mortgage, or Har. But last night. an absolute sale, is a sufficient pretence for a vi- Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, that's 'wonderful! Mr sit; and, as to the cash, ewenty to my knowledge; Jenkins, introduce ine. independent too, you rogue ! and besides, an on- Jen. Mr Hartop, sir Gregory Gazette. ly child, you know; and then, when things are Sir Gre. Sir, I am proud to- -Well, sir, and done, they can't be undone—and 'tis well 'tis no what news? You come from- -Pray, sir, are worse-and a hundred such pretty proverbs, will, you a parliament-man? 'us great odds, reconcile the old fellow at last. Har. Not I, indeed, sir. Besides, my papa in passe, has a toible, which, if Sir Gre. Good lack! may be, belong to the I condescend to humour, I have his soul, my
Har. Nor that. Jen. Prithee, now you are in spirits, give me Sir Gre. Oh, then in some of the offices; the a portrait of sir Penurious; though he is my treasury, or the exchequer ? neighbour, yet he is so domestic an animal, Har. Neither, sir. that I know no more of him than the cominon Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, that's wonderful! Well, country conversation, that he is a thrifty, wary but Mr-Pray, what name did Mr Jenkins, Ha, man,
HaHar. The very abstract of penury! Sir John
Har. Hartop. Cutler, with his transmigrated stockings, was but Sir Gre. Ay, true !-What, not of the Hartops a type of him. For instance, the barber has the of Boston ? growth of his and his daughter's head once a-year, Har. No. for shaving the kuight once a fortnight; his shoes Sir Gre. May be not. There is, Mr Hartop, are made with the leather of a coach of his one thing that I envy you Londoners in muchgrandfather's, built in the year One; his male-quires of newspapers ! Now I reckon you read servant is footman, groom, carter, coachman, a matter of eight sheets every day? and taylor; his maid employs her leisure hours Har. Not one. in plain-work for the neighbours, which sir Pe- Sir Gre. Wonderful !—Then, may be, you are Darious takes care, as her labour is for his emó- about court; and so, being at the fountainlument, shall be as many as possible, by joining head, know what is in the papers before they with his daughter in scouring the rooms, making are printed. the beds, &c.—Thus much for his moral charac- Har. I never trouble my head about them. ter. Then, as to his intellectual, he is a mere An old fool!
[ Aside. charte blanche; the last man he is with must af- Sir Gre. Good Lord! Your friend, Mir Jenford him matter for the next he goes to: but a kins, is very close. story is his idol; throw him in that, and he Jen. Why, sir Gregory, Mr Hartop is much in swallows it; no matter what, raw or roasted, the secrets above; and it becomes a man so savoury or insipid, down it goes, and up again trusted to be wary, you know. to the first person he meets. It is upon this Sir Gre. May be so, may be so. Wonderful! basis I found my favour with the knight, having Ay, ay; a great man, no doubt. acquired patience enough to hear bis stories, Jen. But I'll give him a better insight into and equipped myself with a quantity sufficient your character, and that will induce him to throw to furnish him. His manner is indeed pecu- off his reserve. liar, and, for once or twice, entertaining enough. Sir Gre. May be so: do, do; ay, ay. I'll give you a specimen— Is not that an equi- Jen. Prithee, Jack, don't be so crusty: indulge page?
the knight's humour a little! Besides, if I guess Jen. Hey! yes, faith ; and the owner an ac right, it inay be necessary for the conduct of quajntance of mine: Sir Gregory Gazette, by your design to contract a pretty strict intimacy Jupiter! and his son Tim with him. Now I can there. match your knight. He must come this way to Har. Well, do as you will. the parlour. We'll have a scene : but take your Jen. Sir Gregory, Mr Hartop's ignorance of cue; he is a country politician.
your character made him a little shy in his re
plies; but you will now find him more commuSir Gregory entering, and Waiter.
nicative; and, in your ear-he is a treasure; he
is in all the mysteries of government; at the botSir Gre. What, neither the Gloucester Jour-tom of every thing.
ay, may be
Sir Gre. Wonderful ! a treasure !
rare news, rare news! Ten millions of thanks,
Mr Hartop. But might not I just hint this to Jen. And, that you may have him to yourself, Mr Soakum, our vicar? 'twould rejoice his heart. I'll go in search of your son.
Har. O tie, by no means ! Sir Gre. Do ®), do so: Tim is without; just Sir Gre. Only a line-a little hint-do now? come from his ancle Tregegle's, at Menegi- Har. Well, sir, it is difficult for me to refuse zy, in Cornwall. Tim is an honest lad—do so, you any thing, do so-[E.rit JENK.)-Well, Mr Hartop, and so Sir Gre. Ten thousand thanks. Good now! we have a peace, lack-a-day; long-looked-for the pope-Wonderful! I'll minute it down— come at last." But pray, Mr Hartop, how many Both the Needles? newspapers may you have printed in a-week? Har. Ay, both.
Har. About an hundred and fifty, sir Gre- Sir Gre. Good now; I'll minute it-the Ligory.
zard-point-both the Needles-Scilly-rocks-biSir Gre. Good now, good now! and all full, shop of Greenland-St Peter's chair—Why then, I reckon ; full as an egg; nothing but news! when this is finished, we may chance to attack Well, well, I shall go to London one of these the great Turk, and bave holy wars again, Mr days. A hundred and fifty! Wonderful! And Hartop. pray, now, which do you reckon the best?
Har. That's part of the scheme. Har. Oh, sir Gregory, they are various in their Sir Gre. Ah, good now! You see I have a excellencies, as their uses. If you are inclined to head! Politics have been my study many a blacken, by a couple of lines, the reputation of a day. Ah, if I had been in London to improve by neighbour, you may do it for two shillings in one the newspapers ! They tell me Dr Drybones is paper: if you are displaced or disappointed of a to succeed to the bishoprick of Wisper? place, a triplet against the ministry will he al- Har. No; Doctor ways well received at the head of another; and Sir Gre. Indeed! I was told by my landlord then, as a paper of morning amusement, you have at Ross, that it was between him and the dean the Fool.
ofSir Gre, The Fool? good lack ! and pray who Har. To my knowledge. and what may that same fool be?
Sir Gre. Nay, you know best, to be sure. If Har. Why, sir Gregory, the author has artfully it should Hush ! here's Mr Jeukins and son assumed that habit, like the royal jesters of old, Tim-mum!—Mr Jenkins does not know any to level his satire with more security to himself, thing about the treaty with the pope ? and severity to others.
Har. Not a word. Sir Gre. May be so, may be so ! The Fool! Sir Gre, Mum! ha, ha, ha! Well enough; a queer dog, and no tool, I warrant you. Killigrew; ah, I have heard
Enter Tin and Mr JENKINS. my grandfather talk much of that same Killi- Jen. Mr Timothy is almost grown out of knowgrew, and no fool. But what's all this to news, ledge, sir Gregory. Mr Hartop? Who gives us the best account of Sir Gre. Good now, good now! ay, ay; IH the king of Spain, and the queen of Hungary, weeds grow a-pace. Son Tim, Mr Hartop; a great and those great folks? Come now, you could give man, child! Mr Hartop, son Tim. us a little news, if you would; come now-snug! Har. Sir, I shall be always glad to know every -nobody by. Good now, do; come, ever so branch that springs from so valuable a trunk as little.
sir Gregory Gazette. Har. Why, as you so largely contribute to the Sir Gre. May be so. Wonderful! ay, ay: support of the government, it is but fair you Har. Sir, I am glad to see you in Herefordshould know what they are about. We are at shire-Have
you been long from Cornwall ? present in a treaty with the
Tim. Ay, sir; a matter of four weeks or a Sir Gre. With the pope! Wonderful! Good month, more or less. now, good now! How, how !
Sir Gie. Well said, Tim! Ay, ay, ask Tim Har. We are to yield him up a large track of any questions, he can answer for himself. Tim, the Terra-incognita, together with both the tell Mr Ilartop all the news about the elections, Needles, Scilly-rocks, and the Lizard-point, on and the tinners, and the tides, and the roads, and condition that the pretender has the government the pilchards. I want a few words with Mr Jenof Laputa, and the bishop of Greenland suc- kins. ceeds to St Peter's chair; he being, you kvow, a Har. You have been so long absent from your protestant, when possessed of the pontificals, nalive country, that you have almost forgot it. issues out a bull, commanding all catholics to be Tim. Yes sure. I'ha' been at uncle Tregegle's of his religion : they, deeming the pope infallible, a matter of twelve or a dozen year, more or less. follow his directions; and then, sir Gregory, we Har. Then I reckon you were quite impatient are all of one mind.
to see your papa and mamma? Sir Gre. Good lack, good lack ! Rare news, Tim. No sure, not I. Father sent for me të
uncle.—Sore Menegizy is a choice place! and I Har. What, is my lady here? çould a staid there all my born days, more or Tim. No, sure; dame Winnifred, as father less.
calls her, could not come along. Har. Pray, sir, what were your amusements ? Har. I am sorry for that; I have the honour Tim. Nan! what d'ye say?
to be a distant relation of her ladyship's. Har. How did you divert yourself?
Tim. Like enough, fath!-she's a-kin to half Tim. Oh, we ha' pastimes enow there ; . we the world, I think. But don't you say a word to ha' bull-haiting, and cock-fighting, and fishing, father about Mally Pengrouse. Hush! and hunting, and hurling, and wrestling.
Jen. Mr Hartop, sir Gregory will be amongst Har. The two last are sports, for which that us some time-he is going with bis son to sir Pecountry is very remarkable;—in those, I presume, murious Trifle's—there is a kind of a treaty of you are very expert?
marriage on foot between Miss Sukey Trifle and Tim. Nan ! What?
Mr Timothy. Har. I say you are a good wrestler.
Har. The devil! (Apart.] I shall be glad of Tim. Oh, yes sure, I can wrestle well enow: every circumstance that can make me better acbut we don't wrestle after your fashion; we ha' no quainted with sir Gregory. tripping, fath and sole! we go all upon close hugs, Sir Gre. Good now, good now! may be so, or the flying mare. Will you try a fall, master? | may be so ! -I won't hurt you, fath and sole.
Tim. Father, sure the gentleman says as how Har. We had as good not venture though. mother and he are a-kin! But have you left in Cornwall nothing that you Sir Gre. Wonderful! Lack-a-day, lack-a-day! regret the loss of more than burling and wrest- how, how? I am proud to—but how, Mr Hartop, ling?
how? Tim. Nao! What?
Har. Why, sir, a cousin-german of my aunt's Har. No favourite she !
first husband intermarried with a distant relation Tim. Arra, I coupled Favourite and Jowler to- of a collateral branch by the mother's side, the gether, and sure they tugged it all the way up. Apprices of Lantrindon; and we have ever since Part with Favourite! no, I thank you for nothing. quartered in a 'scutcheon of pretence the three You must know I nursed Favourite inyself: un- goat's tails rampant, divided by a cheveron, fieldcle's huntsman was going to Mill-pond to drown argent; with a leek pendant in the dexter point, all Music's puppies; so I saved she. But fath, to distinguish the second house: I'll tell you a comical story; at Lanston, they Sir Gre. Wonderful! wonderful !. nearly, both broke loose, and eat a whole loin-a'-real
, nearly related ! Good now, good now, if dame and a leg of beef : Crist! How landlord swear- Winnifred was here, she'd make them all out ed! fath the poor fellow was almost amazed; it with a wet finger-but they are above me. Primade me die wi' laughing. But how came you thee, Tim, good now, see after the horses—and, to know about our Favourite?
d'ye hear ? try if you can get any newspapers. Har. A circumstance so material to his son, Tim. Yes, father-But, cousin what-d'ye-callcould not escape the knowledge of sir Gregory um, not a word about Mally Pengrouse ! Gazette's friends. But here you mistook me a lit- Har. Mum!
[Erit Tim. tle, 'Squire Tim; I meant whether your affections Sir Gre. Good now, that boy will make some were not settled upon some pretty girl.-Has mistake about the horses now! I'll go myself. not some Cornish lass caught your heart? Good now, no farther, cousin; if you please, no
Tim. Hush! cod, the old man will hear; jog a ceremony- A hundred and fifty newspapers a tiny bit this way, won't a' tell father?
week! the Fool! ha, ha, ha! wonderful! an odd Har. Upon my bonour !
[Erit Sir GREGORY. Tim. Why then, I'll tell you the whole story Jen. So, Jack, here's a fresh spoke in your more or less. Do you know Mally Pengrouse? wheel. Har. I am not so happy.
Har. This is a cursed cross incident! Tim. She's uncle's milk-maid ;-she's as hand- Jen. Well, but something must be done to some, Lord! her face all red and white, like the frustrate the scheme of your new cousin's. Can inside of a shoulder of mutton; so I made love you think of nothing? to our Mally: and just, fath, as I had got her Har. I have been ha:nmering: pray, are the goord-will to run away to Exeter and be married, two knights intimate? are they well acquainted uncle found it out, and sent word to father, and with each other's person? father sent for me home-but I don't love her a Jen. Faith, I can't tell; but we may soon bit the worse for that. But i'cod, if you tell fa- know. ther, he'll knock my brains out; for he says, I'll Har. Could yon recommend me a good spidisparage the family, and mother's as mad as a rited girl, who has humour and compliance to March hare about its father and mother ha' follow a few directions, and understanding brought me to be married to some young body in these parts.
enough to barter a little inclination for 3000l. a- Har. Oh, sir, we are in no distress for amuseyear and a fool?
ment; we have plays, balls, puppet-shews, mas Jen. In part I guess your design; the man's querades, bull-baitings, boxings, burlettas, routs, daughter of the house is a good lively lass, has a drums, and a thousand others. But I am in haste fortune to make, and no reputation to lose : Il for your epistle, sir Gregory. call her-Jenny !--but the enemy's at hand- Sir Gre. Cousin, your servant. I'll withdraw and prepare Jenny. When the
(Ereunt Sır GREGORY and TIMOTHY. worshipful family are retired, l'Í introduce the Har. I am your most obedient-Thus far our wench.
scheme succeeds: and if Jenkins's girl can as(Erit JENKINS. sume the aukward pertness of the daughter, with
as much success as I can imitate the spirited Enter Sir GREGORY and Tim.
folly of sir Penurious the father, I don't despair
of a happy catastrophe. Sir Gre. Pray, now, cousin, are you in friendship with sir Penurious Trifle?
Enter JENNY. Har. I have the honour, sir, of that gentlemau's acquaintance.
Jenny. Sir, Mr JenkinsŞir Gre. May be so, may be so! but, lack-a- Har. Oh, child, your instructions shall be adday, cousin, is he such a miser as folks say? ministered within. Good now, they tell me we shall hardly have ne- Jenny. Mr Jenkins has opened your design, cessaries for ourselves and horses at Gripe-hall; and I am ready and able to execute my part. but as you are a relation, you should, good now, Har. My dear, I have not the least doubt of know the affairs of the family. Here's sir Penu. either your inclination or ability—But, pox take rious's letter; here, cousin.
this old fellow ! what in the devil's name can Har. *Your overture I receive with pleasure, bring him back ? Scour, Jenny. and should be glad to meet you in Shropshire'I fancy, from a thorough knowledge of sir Penu
Enter Sir GREGORY. rious's disposition, and by what I can collect from the contents of that letter, he would be much Sir Gre. Cousin, I beg pardon ; but I have a better pleased to meet you here than at his owu favour to beg-Good now, could not you make house.
interest at some coffee-house in London, to buy, Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, may be so !-a strange for a small matter, the old books of newspapers
, man! wonderful! But, good now, cousin, what and send them into the country to me? They must we do?
would pass away the time rarely in a rainy dayHar. I this morning paid sir Penurious a visit, Har. I'll send you a cart-load. and if you'll honour me with your commands, Sir Gre. Good now, good now! Ten thou, I'll
sand thanks !-- You are a cousin indeed. But, Sir Gre. Wonderful! to-day !good now, pray, cousin, let us, good now, see some of the that's lucky! cousin, you are very kind. Good works of that same fool? now, I'll send a letter, Tin, by cousin Hartop. Har. I'll send you them all; but a
Har. A letter from so old an acquaintance, Sir Gre. What, all ?--Lack-a-day, that's kind, and upon so happy an occasion, will secure me a consin ! The Terra-incognita—both the Needles favourable reception.
--a great deal of that! But what bishop is to be Sir Gre. Good lack, good lack, an old ac pope? quaintance, indeed, cousin Hartop! we were at Har. Zounds, sir, I am in haste for your letter Hereford ’size together, let's see, wonderful, -When I return, ask as many questionshow long ago 'twas while I was courting Sir Gre. Good now, good now! that's trueDame Winny, the year before I married—I'll in, and about it- -But, cousin, the pope Good now, how long? let's see- - that year the is not to have Gibraltar? hackney stable was built, and Peter Ugly, the Har. No, no; damn it, no! As none but the blind pad, fell into a saw-pit.
Fool could say it, so none but idiots would be Tim. Mother says, father and she was married lieve him-Pray, sir Gregorythe first of April in the year ten; and I knows Sir Gre. Well, well, cousin; Lack-a-day! you 'tis thereabout, for I am two and thirty; and are so-but praybrother Jeremy, fand Roger, and Gregory, and Har. Damn your praying! If you don't finish sister Nelly, were born before I.
your letter immediately, you may carry it yourSir Gre. Good now, good now! how time self. wears away! wonderful ! thirty-eight years ago, Sir Gre. Well, well, cousin ! Lack-a-day, you Tim ! I could not have thought it. But come in, are in such a--good now, I go, I go! let's set about the letter. But, pray, cousin, Har. But if the truth should be discovered, I what diversions, good now, are going forward in shall be inevitably disappointed. London
Sir Gre. But, cousin, are Scilly rocks