Scriptures. (Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42. Heb. vii. 24, and viii. 3, 8. Rev. i. 18. 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.)

Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was a man as well as God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was nothing to me I counted myself not set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6, came into my mind, "And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne, and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders stood a Lamb." In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is his manhood; but oh; methought this did glister! it was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other Scripture also did help me much in this, "To us a child is born, to us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulders: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace."

Also besides these teachings of God in his word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose the truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the Scripture that did wonderfully

maintain it.

The errors that these people then maintained

were:

Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth; and, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like him.

It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how he did, that he might do so, lead me into his words; yea, and also how he did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of his own being, and the being of his Son, and Spirit, and Word, and Gospel.

Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general, he was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them and then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so besprinkle my conscience with his blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that, in that conscience, where hut just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God

Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation from heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now I could remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace and comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might be forever inflamed with the sight and joy, and communion with him, whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas, before I lay

7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Judea, was not ascended above the starry heavens.

8. That he should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again the last day, and as man, judge all nations, &c.

now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, starce discern it; and oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

But before I had gone thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to ce some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ

some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the Gd, in whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book of Martin Luther's; it was his comment on the Galatians; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall from piece to piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hands, the which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, this man could not know any thing of the state of Christians ow, but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.

Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations, amely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;

wing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein; the which at first, was very strange to Le, but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here I intend nothing; on this methinks I must let fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have sect, as most fit for a wounded conscience..

And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ early: oh! methought my soul cleaved anto Lim, my affections cleaved unto him; I felt my love to him as hot as fire, and now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find, that my great love was bat little; and that I who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let him go again for a very trifle: God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of his holy Gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in his love through Christ; the tempter

came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.

And that was, "to sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the things of this life, for any thing." The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.

And though in my judgment I was persuaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped through his grace I had seen myself) could never lose him for ever; "For the land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is mine," saith God: yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as he had done; and yet then I had almost none others but such blasphemous

ones.

But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist it, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, "sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell him, sell him."

Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, sell him, sell him, sell him; against which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack, for whole days together.

This temptation did put me in such scares lest I should at some time, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said sell him; "I will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds;" thus reckoning, lest I

Which

from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof, I had sold my Saviour.

I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which he there thus speaketh, "But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation." And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: "For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." And this stuck always with me.

And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I soever know, as now what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! any thing but a man, and in any condition but my own! for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.

And now I began to labour to call again time that was past; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, "that it was with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me!"

Then again being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were

Now again, should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched! What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the "great transgression?" Must that wicked one touch my soul? Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences!

What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy sin! Oh! unhappy man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "You know how, that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." Oh! no one knows the terrors of those days but myself.

After this I began to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his Master; and indeed this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered that he did it once and twice; and that after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but a "denial of his Master," but mine was a "selling of my Saviour." Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter.

Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, become a son of perdition.

But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about his

people. Ah how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within his care, protection, and special providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God's keeping his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

Now I saw, that as God had his hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against him; not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such things only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond but lay them in the way of the renewing his mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to his people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter and others fall, but he would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved, these be the men that God, though he chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by him; and them whom he makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own, that was killing to me; if I thought how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to his purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry on a sudden. All this while I

was tossed to and fro, like the locust, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and of the dreadful consequences thereof.

Yet this consideration about Judas's sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgresssed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.

I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas: I thought also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints in the day of judgment; insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man, that I be lieved had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a merey it was to have a good conscience before him.

I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinions; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus: "For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves withal."

But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! Methought the Judge stood at the door; I was as if it were come already, so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in: ""Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall, not to my cor