which I purchased of that people at a very great price. Then I have the tune which Orpheus play'd to the devil when he charm'd back his wife. Gent. That was thought to be a filly tune, I believe, for nobody has ever car'd to learn it. Maft. Clofe cork'd up in a thumb-phial, I have fome of the tears which Alexander wept because he could do no more mischief. I have a fnuff-box made out of the tub in which Diogenes lived, and took fnuff at all the world. I have the net in which Vulcan caught his spouse and her gallant; but our modern wives are grown fo exceeding chafte, that there has not been an opportunity of cafting it thefe many years. Gent. Some would be fo malicious, as, instead of chaste, to think he meant cunning. [Afide to the Ladies Maft. I have the pitch-pipe of Gracchus the Roman orator;. who being apt, in difpute, to raise his voice too high, by touching a certain foft note in this pipe, would regulate and keep it in a moderate key. 2 La. Such a pipe as that, if it could be heard, would! be very useful in coffee-houses, and other public places of debate and modern difputation.. Gent. Yes, Madam; and I believe many a poor huf band would be glad of such a regulator of the voice in his own private family too. Maft. There you was even with her, Sir.-But the: most valuable curiofity I have, is a certain little tube,, which I call a diftinguisher; contrived with fuch art, that when rightly applied to the ear, it obftructs all falfehood, nonfenfe, and abfurdity, from ftriking upon the tympanum; nothing but truth and reafon can make the leaft impreffion upon the auditory nerves. I have fat in a coffee-house fometimes for the fpace of half an hour,, and amongst what is generally called the best company,. without hearing a fingle word. At a difpute too, when I could perceive, by the eager motions of both parties, that they made the greatest noife, I have enjoyed the moft profound filence. It is a very ufeful thing to have: about one, either at church, play houfe, or Westminster hall; at all which places a vaft variety both of useful and diverting experiments may be made with it. The only inconvenience attending it is, that no man can make him E 3 felf. felf a complete mafter of it under twenty years clofe and diligent practice. And that term of time is beft conmenced at ten or twelve years old. Gent. That, indeed, is an inconvenience that will make it not every body's money. But one would think thofe parents, who fee the beauty and the usefulness of knowledge, virtue, and a distinguishing judgment, should take particular care to engage their children early in the use and practice of fuch a distinguisher, whilst they have time before them, and no other concerns to interrupt their application. Maft. Some few do. But the generality are so entirely taken up with the care of little Mafter's complexion, his drefs, his dancing, and fuch like effeminacies, that they have not the least regard for any internal accomplishments whatsoever; and are fo far from teaching him to fubdue his paffions, that they make it their whole bufinefs to gratify them all. 20. M. Well, Sir; to fome people, these may be thought curious things, perhaps, and a very valuable collection. But, to confefs the truth, these are not the fort of curious things I wanted. Have you no little box, reprefenting a wounded heart on the infide the lid; nor pretty ring, with an amorous pofey? Nothing of that fort, which is pretty and not common, in your fhop? Maft. O yes, Sir! I have a pretty fnuff-box here; on the infide of the lid, do you fee, is a man of threescore and ten acting the lover, and hunting, like a boy, after gewgaws and trifles, to please a girl with. 20. M. Meaning me, Sir! Do you banter me, Sir? Maft. If you take it to yourself, Sir, I can't help it? 20. M. And is a perfon of my years and gravity to be laughed at? Maft. Why, really, Sir, years and gravity do make fuch childishnefs very ridiculous, I can't help owning. However, I am very forry I have none of these curious trifles for your diverfion; but I have delicate hobbyhorfes and rattles, if you pleafe. 20. M. By all the charms of Araminta, I will revenge this affront. [Exit. Gent. Ha, ha, ha! How contemptible is rage in im potence! potence! But pray, Sir, don't you think this kind of freedom with your customers detrimental to your trade? Muft. No, no, Sir; the odd character I have acquired by this rough kind of fincerity and plain-dealing, together with the whimfical humour of moralizing upon every trifle I fell, are the things which, by raifing people's curiofity, furnish me with all my customers: and it is only fools and coxcombs I am fo free with. i La. And, in my opinion, you are in the right of it. Folly and impertinence ought always to be the objects of fatire and ridicule. Gent. Nay, upon fecond thoughts, I don't know but this odd turn of mind which you have given yourself may not only be entertaining to feveral of your customers, but perhaps very much fo to yourself. Maft. Vaftly fo, Sir. It very often helps me to fpeculations infinitely agreeable. I can fit behind this counter, and fancy my little fhop, and the tranfactions of it, an agreeable reprefentation of the grand theatre of the world.- When I fee a fool come in here, and throw away fifty or an hundred guineas for a trifle that is not really worth a fhilling, I am furprised. But when I look out into the world, and fee lordships and manors barter'd away for gilt coaches and equipage; an eftate for a title; and an easy freedom in retirement for a fervile attendance in a crowd; when I fee health with eagerness exchanged for diseases, and happiness for a game at hazard; my wonder ceafes. Surely the world is a great toy-fhop, and all its inhabitants run mad for rattles.Nay, even the very wifest of us, however we may flatter ourfelves, have fome failing or weaknefs, fome toy or trifle, that we are ridiculously fond of. Yet, fo very partial are we to our own dear felves, that we overlook those mifcarriages in our own conduct which we loudly exclaim against in that of others, and tho' the fame fool's turbant fits us all. You fay that I, I fay that you are he; And each man fwears, "The cap's not made for me." Gent. Ha, ha! 'Tis very true indeed. But I imagine now you begin to think it time to fhut up fhop. Ladies, do you want any thing else? i La. No, I think not.-If you please to put up that looking looking-glafs, and the perspective, I will pay you for them. Gent. Well, Madam, how do you like this whimfical humorist? 1 La. Why, really, in my opinion, the man's as great a curiofity himself as any thing he has got in his shop. Gent. He is fo, indeed. In this gay, thoughtlefs age, ha's found a way, EPILOGUE. WELL, Heav'n be prais'd, this dull, grave fermon's done, (For faith our author might have call'd it one.) I wonder who the devil he thought to please! Is this a time o' day for things like thefe? We're grown too wife to learn, too proud to mend. The next wife age will all be-fiddlers fons. And did be think plain truth would favour find? Ab! 'tis a fign be little knows mankind. To pleafe, he ought to have a fong or dance, Thefe, thefe might charm-But hope to do't with fenfe! "Ye gen'rous Few, to you our author fues, "His firft effay with candour to excufe, "'T has faults he owns; but if they are but small,, "He hopes your kind applause will hide them all." THE |