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refcu'd him, and I have a judge's warrant for the rescue.
Good. What do I hear! But harkee, friend, that house that you are going to break open is haunted: and there is no one in it but a couple of priests, who are laying the devil.
Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better than all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr Conftable, do your office. I have no time to lofe, Sir; I have feveral other writs execute before night.
Let.. I have defended my pafs as long as I can, and now I think 'tis no cowardice to fteal off.
Enter Colonel Bluff, Monfieur le Marquis,' Slap,
Col. What, in the devil's name, is the meaning of this riot? What is the reafon, fcoundrels, that you dare difturb gentlemen who are getting as drunk as lords? Slap. Sir, we have authority for what we do.
Col. Damn your authority, Sir! if you don't go about your bufinefs, I fhall fhow you my authority, and fend you all to the devil.
Slap. It is he. I have a warrant against him too: I. wish it was in my pocket.
Con. Mr Slap, fhall we knock him down?
Slap. I defire you wou'd give us leave to enter the houfe and feize our prifoner.
Col. Not I, upon my honour, Sir.
"Mar. Que veut due cette bruit? quelle vilain Anglois! quelle poufcon! ventre bleu! Allons, Monfieur le Colonel! allons! frappons !':
Slap. If you oppofe us any longer, I fhall proceed to
Col. If you love force, I'll fhow you the way, you dogs. [Col. drives them off... Good. I find I am diftracted, I am ftark raving mad; I am undone, ruin'd, cheated, impos'd on! but, please heav'n, I'll go fee what's in my houfe.
Col. Hold, Sir, you must not enter here. Good. Not enter into my own house, Sir? Col. No, Sir; if it be yours, you must not come with! in it.
Mar. Il ne faut pas entrer ici?
Good. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with the ma
fter of the house.
Col. Sir, the mafter of the houfe defires to speak with no fuch fellows as you are; you are not fit company for any of the gentlemen in this houfe.
Good. Sir, the mafter of this house is my fon. Col. Sir, your most obedient humble fervant; overjoy'd to fee you return'd: Give me leave, Sir, to introduce you to this gentleman: Monfieur le Marquis Quelque Chofe, le pere de Monfieur Valentine.
Mar. Ah, Monfieur, que je fuis ravi de vous voir!' Good. Gentlemen, your most obedient humble fer
Col. Give me leave to tell you, Sir, you have the honour of being father to one of the fineft gentlemen of the age a man fo accomplish'd, fo well-bred, and fo generous, that I believe he never wou'd part with a guest while he had a fhilling in his pocket, nor indeed while he could borrow one.
Good. I believe it indeed, Sir; therefore you can't wonder if I am impatient to fee him.
Col. Be not in fuch hafte, dear Sir; I want to talk with you about your affairs: I hope you have had good fuccefs in the Indies, have cheated the company handfomely, and made an immenfe fortune.
Good. I have no reafon to complain.
Col. I am glad on't, Sir; and fo will your fon, I dare fwear and let me tell you, it will be very opportune, he began to want it. You can't imagine, Sir, what a fine life he has led fince you went away: it wou'd do your heart good if you was but to know what an equipage he has kept, what balls and entertainments he has made; he is the talk of the whole town, Sir; a man wou'd work with pleasure for fuch a fon: he is a fellow with a foul, damn me! your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; for get as much as you please, my life he fpends every farthing.
Good. Pray, gentlemen, let me fee this miracle of a fon of mine.
Col. That you fhould, Sir, long ago; but really, Sir, the house is a little out of order at prefent; there is but one room furnish'd in it, and that is fo full of company,
that I am afraid there wou'd be a small deficiency of chairs. You can't imagine, Sir, how opportune you are come; there was not any one thing left in the house to raise any money upon.
Good. What, all my pictures gone?
Col. He fold them firft, Sir; he was oblig'd to fell them for the delicacy of his tafte: he certainly is the modefteft young fellow in the world, and has complain'd to me a hundred times of the indecent liberty painters take in expofing the breasts and limbs of women: you had indeed, Sir, a very fcandalous collection, and he was never eafy while they were in the house.
Val. My father return'd! oh, let me throw myself at his feet; and believe me, Sir, I am at once overjoy'd and atham'd to fee your face.
Col. I told, you, Sir, he was one of the modestest young fellows in England.
Good. You may very well be afham'd: but come, let me fee the infide of my houfe; let me fee that both fides of my walls are standing.
Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company within, of the first fashion, and beg you wou'd not expofe me before them.
Goid. Oh, Sir! I am their very humble fervant; I am infinitely oblig'd to all the perfons of fashion, that they will fo generously condefcend to eat a poor citizen out of house and home.
Col. Hark ye, Val, fhall we tofs this old fellow in a blanket?
Val. Sir, I truft in your good-nature and forgiveness; and will wait on you in.
Good. Oh, that ever I fhould live to see this day!
SCENE, A Dining-room.
Enter Lord Pride, Lord Puff, &c.
• L Pride. I told you, my Lord, it would never hold long: when once the chariot difappear'd, I thought the ' matter wou'd foon follow.
L Puff. I help'd him on with a fmall lift the other day at piquet.
'L Pride. Did you do any thing confiderable?
L Puff. A mere trifle, my lord: it wou'd not have been worth mentioning, if it had been of any other: but I fancy, in his prefent circumstances, it cut pretty • deep.
L Pride. Damn me! there's a pleafure in ruining: these little mechanical rafcals, when they prefume to ' rival the extravagant expences of us men of quality. L Puff. That ever fuch plebeian fcoundrels, who are oblig'd to pay their debts, fhou'd prefume to engage with us men of quality, who are not!'
Enter Goodal, Valentine, Charlotte, Colonel, Marquis,' Lord Pride, Lord Puff, &c.
Val. Gentlemen and ladies, my father being just arriv'd from the Indies, defires to make one of this good company.
Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none by calling him beneath his title), I am highly fenfible of the great honour you do myfelf and my fon, by filling my poor house with your noble perfons, and your noble perfons with my poor wine and provisions. I dare fwear you have been all highly inftrumental in the extravagancies of my fon; for which I am very much oblig'd to you, and humbly hope that I fhall never fee him, or any of your faces again.
L Puff. Brother Puff, what does the fellow mean?
Good. I am very glad that my fon hath ruined himself in fo good a company; that when I difinherit him, he can't fail of being provided for. I promise myself that your intereft will help him to places and preferments in abundance.
L Pride. Sir, any thing in my power, he may always
L Puff. Or mine.
L Pride. But let me whisper a word in your ear. Your fon is a very extravagant fellow.
Good. That's very true, Sir: but I hope that you will confider that you have affifted him in it; and therefore will help his neceffities with a brace of thoufands.
L Pride. I don't understand you, Sir.
Good. Why then, Sir, that you may understand me,
I must tell you in plain words, that he owes his ruin to entertaining fuch fine gentlemen as yourself.
L Pride. Me, Sir! Rat me! I would have you know, I think I do you too much honour in entering into your doors: but I am glad you have taught me at what di Itance to keep fuch mechanics for the future. Come, Puff, let's to the opera. I fee, if man hath not good blood in his veius, riches won't teach him to behave like a gentleman.
L Puff. Canaille!
[Exeunt L. Pride and L. Puff. Good. S'bodlikins! I am in a rage that ever a fellow hou'd upbraid me with great blood in his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his veins hath run thro' my bottles.
1 Lady. My Lord Pride and my Lord Puff gone! 'Come, my dear, the affembly is broke up; let us make 'hafte away, or we shall be too late for any other.
2 Lady. With all my heart; for I am heartily fick ⚫ of this.
3 Lady. Come, come, come; away, ́away!
• Mar. Allons, quittons le bourgion.
Col. Sir, you are a fcrub; and if I had not a friendfhip for your fon, I'd fhow you how you ought to treat 'people of fashion. [Exeunt Col. and Marquis. Char. Poor Valentine! how tenderly I feel his misfortunes!
Good. Why don't you follow your companions, Sir?
Val. Ah! Sir, I am fo fenfible of what I have done, that I could fly into a defart from the apprehenfions of your juft wrath; nay, I will, unless you can forgive me. Good. Who are you, Madam, that ftay behind the reft your company? There is no more mifchief to be done here, fo there is no more business for a fine lady.
Char. Sir, I ftay to intreat you to forgive your poor unhappy fon, who will otherwife fink under the weight of your difpleasure.
Good. Ah, Madam, if that be all the bufinefs, you may leave this house as foon as you please; for him I am determin'd to turn directly out on't.
Char. Then, Sir, I am determin'd to go with him. Be comforted, Valentine, I have fome fortune which my