which I purchafed of that people at a very great price. Then I have the tune which Orpheus play'd to the devil when he charm'd back his wife. Gent. That was thought to be a filly tune, I believe, for nobody has ever car'd to learn it. Maft. Clofe cork'd up in a thumb-phial, I have fome of the tears which Alexander wept becaufe he could do no more mischief. I have a fnuff-box made out of the tub in which Diogenes lived, and took fnuff at all the world. I have the net in which Vulcan caught his spouse and her gallant; but our modern wives are grown fo exeeeding chafte, that there has not been an opportunity of cafting it these many years. Gent. Some would be fo malicous, as, instead of chaste, to think he meant cunning. [Afide to the ladies. Maft. I have the pitch-pipe of Gracchus the Roman erator; who being apt, in difpute, to raise his voice too high, by touching a certain foft note in this pipe, would regulate and keep it in a moderate key. 2 La. Such a pipe as that, if it could be heard, would be very useful in coffee-houfes, and other public places of debate and modern difputation. Gent. Yes, Madam; and I believe many a poor huf. band would be glad of such a regulator of the voice in his own private family too.. Maft. There you was even with her, Sir.-But the moft valuable curiofity I have, is a certain little tube, which I call a diftinguifher; contriv'd with fuch art, that when rightly applied to the ear, it obftructs all falfehood, nonfenfe, and abfurdity, from ftriking upon the tympanum: nothing but truth and reafon can make the leaft impreffion upon the auditory nerves. I have fat in a coffee-house fometimes for the space of half an hour, and amongst what is generally called the best company, without hearing a fingle word. At a difpute too, when I could perceive, by the eager motions of both parties, that they made the greateft noife, I have enjoyed the most profound filence. It is a very useful thing to have about one, either at church, play-house, or Westminsterhall; at all which places a vast variety both of useful and diverting experiments may be made with it. The only inconvenience attending it is, that no man can make himE 3 felf felf a complete mafter of it under twenty years close and diligent practice. And that term of time is best commenced at ten or twelve years old. Gent. That, indeed, is an inconvenience that will make it not every body's money. But one would think those parents, who see the beauty and the usefulness of knowledge, virtue, and a diftinguishing judgment, fhould take particular care to engage their children early in the use and practice of such a distinguisher, whilft they have time before them, and no other concerns to interrupt their application. Maft. Some few do. But the generality are so entirely taken up with the care of little Mafter's complexion, his dress, his dancing, and fuch like effeminacies, that they have not the least regard for any internal accomplishments whatsoever; and are fo far from teaching him to subdue his paffions, that they make it their whole bufinefs to gratify them all. 2 0. M. Well, Sir; to fome people, these may be thought curious things, perhaps, and a very valuable collection. But, to confefs the truth, these are not the fort of curious things I wanted. Have you no little box, reprefenting a wounded heart on the infide the lid ? nor pretty ring, with an amorous pofey? Nothing of that fort, which is pretty and not common, in your fhop? Maft. O yes, Sir! I have a pretty fnuff-box here; on the infide of the lid, do you fee, is a man of threefcore and ten acting the lover, and hunting, like a boy, after gewgaws and trifles, to please a girl with. 20. M. Meaning me, Sir! Do you banter me, Sir? Maft. If you take it to yourself, Sir, I can't help it. 2 0. M. And is a perfon of my years and gravity to be laugh'd at? Maft. Why, really, Sir, years and gravity do make fuch childishness very ridiculous, I can't help owning. However, I am very forry I have none of thefe curious trifles for your diverfion; but I have delicate hobbyhorfes and rattles, if you please. 20. M. By all the charms of Araminta, I will revenge this affront. [Exit. Gent. Ha! ha! ha! How contemptible is rage in im potence! potence! But pray, Sir, don't you think this kind of freedom with your customers detrimental to your trade? Maft. No, no, Sir; the odd character I have acquired by this rough kind of fincerity and plain-dealing, together with the whimsical humour of moralizing upon every trifle I fell, are the things which, by raifing people's curiofity, furnish me with all my cuftomers: and it is only fools and coxcombs I am fo free with. 、 La. And, in my opinion, you are in the right of it. Folly and impertinence ought always to be the objects of fatire and ridicule. Gent. Nay, upon fecond thoughts, I don't know but this odd turn of mind which you have given yourself may not only be entertaining to feveral of your customers, but perhaps very much fo to yourself. Maft. Vaftly fo, Sir. It very often helps me to fpeculations infinitely agreeable. I can fit behind this counter, and fancy my little fhop, and the transactions of it, an agreeable reprefentation of the grand theatre of the world. When I see a fool come in here, and throw away fifty or an hundred guineas for a trifle that is not really worth a fhilling, I am furprised. But when I look out into the world, and fee lordships and manors barter'd away for gilt coaches and equipage; an estate for a title; and an easy freedom in retirement for a fervile attendance in a crowd; when I fee health with eagerness exchanged for difeafes, and happiness for a game at hazard; my wonder ceases. Surely the world is a great toy-fhop, and all its inhabitants run mad for rattles.. Nay, even the very wifeft of us, however we may flatter ourfelves, have fome failing or weaknefs, fome toy or trifle, that we are ridiculously fond of. Yet, fo very partial are we to our own dear felves, that we overlook thofe mifcarriages in our own conduct which we loudly exclaim against in that of others, and tho' the fame fool's turbant fits us all. You fay that I, I say that you are he; And each man fwears," The cap's not made for me." Gent. Ha! ha! 'Tis very true indeed. But I imagine now you begin to think it time to shut up shop. Ladies, do you want any thing else? La. No, I think not. If you please to put up that looking 1 looking-glafs, and the perspective, I will pay you for them. Gent. Well, Madam, how do you like this whimfical humourift? 1 La. Why, really, in my opinion, the man's as great a curiofity himself as any thing he has got in his fhop. Gent. He is fo, indeed. In this gay, thoughtless age, h'as found a way, EPILOGUE. "ELL, Heav'n be prais'd, this dull, grave fermon's done, (For faith our author might have call'd it one.) W I wonder who the devil he thought to please! Is this a time o' day for things like these? Good fenfe and honeft fatire now offend; We're grown too wife to learn, too proud to mend. To pleafe, he ought to have a fong or dance, Thefe, thefe might charm-But hope to do't with fenfe!' But tho' we told him,-Faith t'will ne'er do- "Ye gen'rous Few, to you our author fues, "T has faults he owns; but if they are but fmall, "He hopes your kind applause will hide them all.” THE |