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Objects which are placed before him. While you fancy he is admiring a beautiful Woman, 'tis an even Wager that he is solving a Proposition in Euclid; and while you may imagine he is reading the Paris Gazette, it is far from being impossible, that he is pulling down and rebuilding the Front of his Country-house.

AT the fame time that I am endeavouring to expose this Weakness in others, I shall readily confess that I once laboured under the same Infirmity my felf. The Method [ took to conquer it was a firm Resolution to learn something from whatever I was obliged to fee or hear. There is a way of thinking, if a Man can attain to it, by which he may strike somewhat out of any thing. I can at present obo serve those Starts of good Sense and Struggles of un-improved Reason in the Conversation of a Clown, with as much Satisfaction as the most shining Periods of the most finished Orator; and can make a shift to command my Autention at a Puppet-Show or an Opera, as well as at Hamlet or Othello. I always make one of the Company I am in; for though I fay little my self, iny Attention to others, and those Nods of Approbation which I never bestow unmerited, fufficiently thew that I am among them. Whereas WILL. HONEYCOM B, tho' a Fellow of good Sense, is every Day doing and saying an hundred Things, which he afterwards confefses, with a well-bred Frankness, were fomewhat mal a propos, and undefigned.

I chanced the other Day to go into a Coffee-house,where WILL. was standing in the midst of feveral Auditors whom he had gathered round him, and was giving them an Account of the Person and Character of Moll Hinton. My Appearance before him just put him in mind of me, with out making him reflect that I was a&ually present. So that keeping bis Eyes full upon me, to the great Surprize of his Audience, he broke off his fiift Harangue, and proceeded thus, .. Why now there's my

Friend (mentioning me by my Name) he is a Fellow that thinks a great deal, but never opens his Mouth; I warrant you he is now thrusting his short Face inte-fome Coffee-house about 'Change. I was his Bail in the rime of the Popish

Plot, when he was taken up for a Jesuit." If he had looked on me a little longer, he had certainly described me so particularly, without ever considering what led him into it, that the whole Company muft necessarily

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have found me out; for which Reason, remembring the old Proverb, Out of sight out of Mind, I left the Room; and upon meeting him an Hour afterwards, was asked by him, with a great deal of good Humour, in what Part of the World I had lived, that he had not seen me these three

MONSIEUR Bruyere has given us the Character of an absent Man, with a great deal of Humour, which lie has pushed to an agreeable Extravagance ; with the Heads of it I shall conclude my present Paper,

MEN ALC AS (says that excellent Author) comes down in a Morning, opens his door to go out, but shuts it

again, because he perceives that he has his Night-cap on; ' and examining himself further finds thar he is but half

shaved, that he has stuck his Sword on his right Side, that • his Stockings are about his heels and that his shirt is over « his Breeches. When he is dressed he goes to Court,comes

into the Drawing-room, and walking bolt upright under a Branch of Candlesticks his Wig is caught up by one of

them, and hangs dangling in the Air. All the Courtiers • fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs louder than any of

them, and looks about for the Person that is the Jest of the Company. Coming down to the Court-Gate he finds a Coach, which taking for his own he whips into it; and the Coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries his Master. As soon as he ftops, Menalcas throws himself

out of the Coach,crosses the Court, ascends the Stair-case, • and runs thro'all the Chambers with the greatest Fami. liarity, reposes himself on a Couch, and fancies himfelf

at home.“ The Master of the House at last comes in, Menalcas rises to receive him, and desires him to fit

down; he talks, muses, and then talks again. The • Gentleman of the House is tired and amazed; Menalcas

is no less so, but is every Moment in Hopes that his impertinent Guest will at last end his tedious Vifit. Night comes on, when Menalcas is hardly undeceived. • WHEN he is playing at Backgammon, he calls

for a full Glass of Wine and Water; 'tis his turn to • throw, he has the Box in one Hand and his Glass in

the other, and being extreamly dry, and unwilling to • lose Time, he swallows down both the Dice, and at o the same time throws his Wine into the Tables. He

writes a Letter, and flings the Sand into the Ink-bottle;


• he writes a second and mistakes the Superscription: A « Nobleman receives one of them, and upon opening it "reads as follows: I would have you, honest Jack, immedia

ately upon the Receipt of this, take in Hay enough to serve ? me the winter. His Farmer receives the other, and is • amazed to see in it, My Lord, I received yourGrace's Com. mands with an entire Submission to If he is at an En? tertainment, you may see the Pieces of Bread continually

mult plying round his Plate : 'Tis true the rest of the

Company want it, as well as their Knives and Forks, · which Menalcas does not let them keep long. Some• times in a Morning he puts his whole Family in an hurry,

and at last goes out without being able to stay for his • Coach or Dinner, and for that Day you may see him ' in every Part of the Town, except the very place where • he had appointed to be upon a Business of Importance. • You would often take him for every thing that he is

not; for a Fellow quite Stupid, for he hears nothing; • for a Fool, for he talks to himself, and has an hundred

Grimaces and Motions with his Head, which are alto. .gether involuntary; for a proud Man, for he looks full

upon you, and takes no notice of your faluting hiin : + The Truth on't is, his Eyes are open, but he makes no o use of them, and neither fees you, nor any Man, nor a. • ny thing else: He came once from his Country-house, « and his own Footinen undertook to rob him, and suc<ceeded : They held a Flambeau to his Throat, and bid s him deliver his Purse; he did so, and coming home told

his Friends he had been robbed; they desire to know « the Particulars, Ask my Servants, says Menalcas, for thy o were with me.


No 78. Wednesday, May 30.

Cum Talis fis, Utinam nofter eges! HE following Letters are so pleasant, that I doubt not but the Reader will be as much diverted with them as I was.

I have nothing to do in this Day's Entertainment, but taking the Sentence from the End of



the Cambridge Letter, and placing it at the Front of my Paper ; to sew the Author I with him my Companion with as much Eavnestness as he invites me to be his,

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S I. R,

the inclosed, to be inserted (if you think them worthy of it) in your SPECTATORS; in • which so surprizing a Genius appears, that is no Won

der if all Mankind endeavours to get somewhat into a • Paper which will always live,

· A S to the Cambridge Affair, the Humour was really • carried on in the Way I describe it. However, you have a full

: Commission to put out or in, and to do whatever you think fit with it. I have already had the Satisfacti.. on of seeing you take that Liberty with some things I have before sent you. * GO on, Sir, and prosper. You have the best Wishes of,

Si R, Your very Affectionate

and Obliged Humble Servant, Mr. SPECTATOR,

Cambridge. Y

O U well know it is of great Consequence to clear

Titles, and it is of Importance that it be done in the proper Season: On which Account this is to assure you, that the CLUB OF UGLY FACES was instituted originally at CAMBRIDGE in the merry Reign of K----g Ch---les II. As in great Bodies of Men it is not difficult to find Members enow for such a Club, so

(I remember) it was then feared, upon their Intention ' of dining together, that the Hall belonging to CLARE 'HALL, (the ugliest than in the Town, tho' now the

neatest) would not be large enough HANDSOMBLY TO • hold the Company. Invitations were made to great num? bers, but very few. accepted them without much Diffi. • culty. One pleaded that being at London in a Booksel'ler's Shop, a Lady going by with a great Belly longed to ' kiss him. He had certainly been excused, but that Evi

dence appeared, Tharindeed.one in London did pretend • she longed to kiss him, but that it was only a Pickpocket,

who during his kissing her stole away all his Money. • ANOTHER would have got off by a Dimple in his Chin; but it was proved upon him, that he had, by coming into


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a Room, made a Woman miscarry, and frightned two

Children into Fits. ATHIR D alledged, That he was ta• ken by a Lady for another Gentleman, who was one of

the handsomeft in the University : But upon Enquiry it ' was found that the Lady had actually lost one Eye, and • the other was very much upon the Decline. A FOURTH

produced Letters out of the Country in his Vindication, in which a Gentleman offered him his Daughter, who • had lately fallen in Love with him, with a good Fortune : • But it was made appear that the young Lady was amos rous, and had like to have run away with her Father's « Coachman, so that it was supposed, that her Pretence of

falling in Love with him was only in order to be well • married. It was pleasant to hear the several Excuses which « were made, infomuch that some made as much Intereft

to be excused as they would from serving Sheriff; however, at last the Society was formed, and proper Officers were appointed; and the Day was fixed for the Enter

tainment, which was in Venison Seafon. A pleasant Fellow • of King's College (commonly called CR A B from his four “Look, and the only Man who did not pretend to get

off)-was nominated for Chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one to fit in the Elbow-Chair, by way • of PRESIDENT, at the upper End of the Table ; and there (the Business stuck, for there was no Contention for Su

periority there. This Affair made so great a Noise, that • the K.--g, who was then at Newmarket, heard of it, ' and was pleafed merrily and graciously to say, HE "COULD NOT BE THERE É IMS ELÉ, BUT HE " WOULD SEND THEM A BRACE OF BUCKS.

I would defire you, Sir, to set this Affair in a true Light, that Pofterity may not be mis-led in so important • a Point: For when the wise Man who shall write your true

History shall acquaint the World, That you had a DI

PLOMA fent from the Ugling Club at O X FORD, and • that by vertue of it you were admitted into it; what a • learned War will there be among future Critioks about • the Original of that Club, which both Universities will ' contend so warmly for ? And perhaps some hardy Cantabrigian Author may then boldly affirm, that the Word OXFORD was an Interpolation of some Oxonian inStead of CAMBRIDGE. This Affair will be best ad

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