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Objects which are placed before him. While you fancy he is admiring a beautiful Woman, 'tis an even Wager that he is folving a Propofition in Euclid; and while you may imagine he is reading the Paris Gazette, it is far from being impoffible, that he is pulling down and rebuilding the Front of his Country-house.

AT the fame time that I am endeavouring to expose this Weakness in others, I fhall readily confefs that I once laboured under the fame Infirmity my felf. The Method [ took to conquer it was a firm Refolution to learn fomething from whatever I was obliged to fee or hear. There is a way of thinking, if a Man can attain to it, by which he may ftrike fomewhat out of any thing. I can at prefent obferve thofe Starts of good Senfe and Struggles of un-improved Reafon in the Converfation of a Clown, with as much Satisfaction as the most shining Periods of the most finished Orator; and can make a shift to command my Attention at a Puppet-Show or an Opera, as well as at Hamlet or Othello. I always make one of the Company I am in; for though I fay little my felf, my Attention to others, and thofe Nods of Approbation which I never beftow unmerited, fufficiently thew that I am among them. Where-as WILL. HONEYCOMB, tho' a Fellow of good Senfe, is every Day doing and faying an hundred Things, which he afterwards confeffes, with a well-bred Frankness, were fomewhat mal a propos, and undefigned.

I chanced the other Day to go into a Coffee-house, where WILL. Was ftanding in the midft of feveral Auditors whom he had gathered round him, and was giving them an Ac-count of the Perfon and Character of Moll Hinton. My Appearance before him just put him in mind of me, with out making him reflect that I was actually present. So that keeping his Eyes full upon me, to the great Surprize of his Audience, he broke off his fiift Harangue, and proceeded thus,- . Why now there's my Friend (mentioning me by my Name) he is a Fellow that thinks a great deal, but never opens his Mouth; I warrant you he is now thrusting his fhort Face into fome Coffee-house about 'Change. I was his Bail in the time of the PopishPlot, when he was taken up for a Jefuit." If he had looked on me a little longer, he had certainly defcribed me fo particularly, without ever confidering what led him into it, that the whole Company must neceffarily

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have found me out; for which Reason, remembring the old Proverb, Out of Sight out of Mind, I left the Room; and upon meeting him an Hour afterwards, was asked by him, with a great deal of good Humour, in what Part of the World I had lived, that he had not feen me these three Days.

MONSIEUR Bruyere has given us the Character of an abfent Man, with a great deal of Humour, which he has pushed to an agreeable Extravagance; with the Heads of it I fhall conclude my prefent Paper.

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MENALCAS (fays that excellent Author) comes down in a Morning, opens his door to go out, but fhuts it again,becaufe, he perceives that he has his Night-cap on; and examining himself further finds that he is but half fhaved, that he has stuck his Sword on his right Side, that' his Stockings are about his heels,and that his Shirt is over his Breeches. When he is dreffed he goes to Court,comes into the Drawing-room, and walking bolt upright under a Branch of Candlesticks his Wig is caught up by one of them, and hangs dangling in the Air. All the Courtiers fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs louder than any of them, and looks about for the Perfon that is the Jeft of the Company. Coming down to the Court-Gate he finds a Coach, which taking for his own he whips into it; and the Coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries his Mafter. As foon as he ftops, Menalcas throws himfelf out of the Coach,croffes the Court, afcends theStair-cafe, and runs thro'all the Chambers with the greatest Familiarity, repofes himself on a Couch, and fancies himself · at home. The Mafter of the Houfe at laft comes in, • Menalcas rises to receive him, and desires him to fit down; he talks, mufes, and then talks again. The Gentleman of the Houfe is tired and amazed; Menalcas is no less fo, but is every Moment in Hopes that his impertinent Guest will at last end his tedious Vifit. Night comes on, when Menalcas is hardly undeceived.

WHEN he is playing at Backgammon, he calls for a full Glafs of Wine and Water; 'tis his turn to throw, he has the Box in one Hand and his Glafs in the other, and being extreamly dry, and unwilling to lofe Time, he fwallows down both the Dice, and at the fame time throws his Wine into the Tables. He writes a Letter, and flings the Sand into the Ink-bottle;

• he

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he writes a fecond and mistakes the Superfcription: A • Nobleman receives one of them, and upon opening it reads as follows: I would have you, honeft Jack, immedi ately upon the Receipt of this, take in Hay enough to ferve me the Winter. His Farmer receives the other, and is ⚫ amazed to fee in it, My Lord, Ireceived yourGrace's Com• mands with an entire Submission to If he is at an Entertainment, you may fee the Pieces of Bread continually multiplying round his Plate: 'Tis true the rest of the Company want it, as well as their Knives and Forks, which Menalcas does not let them keep long. Some⚫ times in a Morning he puts his whole Family in an hurry, and at last goes out without being able to ftay for his Coach or Dinner, and for that Day you may see him in every Part of the Town, except the very Place where he had appointed to be upon a Bufinefs of Importance. • You would often take him for every thing that he is not; for a Fellow quite Stupid, for he hears nothing; for a Fool, for he talks to himfelf, and has an hundred • Grimaces and Motions with his Head, which are altogether involuntary; for a proud Man, for he looks full upon you, and takes no notice of your faluting him : The Truth on't is, his Eyes are open, but he makes no • use of them, and neither fees you, nor any Man, norany thing elfe: He came once from his Country-house, and his own Footmen undertook to rob him, and fucceeded: They held a Flambeau to his Throat, and bid him deliver his Purfe; he did fo, and coming home told his Friends he had been robbed; they defire to know the Particulars, Ask my Servants, fays Menalcas, for thy • were with me.

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X

No 78. Wednesday,
Wednesday, May 30.

Cum Talis fis, Utinam nofter effes!

HE following Letters are fo pleasant, that I doubt not but the Reader will be as much diverted with

TH

them as I was. I have nothing to do in this Day's Entertainment, but taking the Sentence from the End of

the

the Cambridge Letter, and placing it at the Front of my Paper; to fhew the Author I with him my Companion with as much Earneftnefs as he invites me to be his.

SIR,

I

Send you the inclofed, to be inferted (if you think them worthy of it) in your SPECTATORS; in which fo furprizing a Genius appears, that is no Won<der if all Mankind endeavours to get fomewhat into a Paper which will always live.

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AS to the Cambridge Affair, the Humour was really carried on in the Way I defcribe it. However, you have a full Commiffion to put out or in, and to do whatever you think fit with it. I have already had the Satisfaction of feeing you take that Liberty with fome things I have before fent you.

•GO on, Sir, and profper. You have the best Wishes of, SIR, Your very Affectionate

Mr. SPECTATOR,

and Obliged Humble Servant,

Cambridge. OU well know it is of great Confequence to clear Titles, and it is of Importance that it be done in the proper Season: On which Account this is to affure you, that the CLUB OF UGLY FACES was inftituted originally at CAMBRIDGE in the merry Reign of Kg Ch-les II. As in great Bodies of Men it is not difficult to find Members enow for fuch a Club, fo (I remember) it was then feared, upon their Intention of dining together, that the Hall belonging to CLARE HALL, (the uglieft then in the Town, tho' now the neateft) would not be large enough HANDSOMELY to hold the Company. Invitations were made to great numbers, but very few accepted them without much Difficulty. ONE pleaded that being at London in a Bookfeller's Shop, a Lady going by with a great Belly longed to kifs him. He had certainly been excufed, but that Evidence appeared, That indeed one in London did pretend 'fhe longed to kifs him, but that it was only a Pickpocket, who during his kiffing her ftole away all his Money. ANOTHER Would have got off by a Dimple in his Chin; but it was proved upon him, that he had, by coming into

E

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a Room, made a Woman miscarry, and frightned two Children into Fits. A THIRD alledged, That he was taken by a Lady for another Gentleman, who was one of the handfomeft in the Univerfity: But upon Enquiry it was found that the Lady had actually loft one Eye, and the other was very much upon the Decline. A FOURTH produced Letters out of the Country in his Vindication, ' in which a Gentleman offered him his Daughter, who ⚫ had lately fallen in Love with him, with a good Fortune : But it was made appear that the young Lady was amorous, and had like to have run away with her Father's Coachman, fo that it was fuppofed, that her Pretence of falling in Love with him was only in order to be well married. It was pleasant to hear the feveral Excuses which were made, infomuch that fome made as much Intereft to be excufed as they would from ferving Sheriff; however, at laft the Society was formed, and proper Officers were appointed; and the Day was fixed for the Enter<tainment, which was in Venifon Seafon. A pleafant Fellow of King's College (commonly called CR A B from his four Look, and the only Man who did not pretend to get "off) was nominated for Chaplain; and nothing was wanting but fome one to fit in the Elbow-Chair, by way of PRESIDENT, at the upper End of the Table; and there the Bufinefs ftuck, for there was no Contention for Su'periority there. This Affair made fo great a Noife, that the K---g, who was then at Newmarket, heard of it, and was pleafed merrily and gracioufly to fay, HE "COULD NOT BE THERE HIMSELF, BUT HE 'WOULD SEND THEM A BRACE OF BUCKS.

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I would defire you, Sir, to fet this Affair in a true Light, that Pofterity may not be misf-led in fo important a Point: For when the wife Man who shall write your true Hiftory fhall acquaint the World, That you had a DIPLOMA fent from the Ugly Club at OXFORD, and that by vertue of it you were admitted into it; what a learned War will there be among future Criticks about the Original of that Club, which both Universities will contend fo warmly for? And perhaps fome hardy Cantabrigian Author may then boldly affirm, that the Word OXFORD was an Interpolation of fome Oxonian inftead of CAMBRIDGE, This Affair will be beft ad

justed

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