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this Means I frequently carry about me a whole Sheeto full of Hints, that would look like a Rhapsody of Nonsense to any Body but my self: There is nothing in them but Obscurity and Confusion, Raving and inconsistency. In short, they are my Speculations in the first Principles, that (like the World in its Chaos) are void of all Light, Distinction, and Order.
ABOUT a Week since there happened to me a very odd Accident, by Reason of one of these my Papers of Minutes which I had accidentally dropped at Lloyd's Coffee-house, where the Auctions are usually kept. Before I missed it, there was a Cluster of People who had. found it, and were diverting themselves with it at one End of the Coffee-House: It had raised so much Laughter among them before I had observed what they were about, that I had not the Courage to own it.. The Boy of the Coffee-house, when they had done with it, carried it about in his Hand, asking every Body if they had dropped a written Paper ; but no Body challenging it, he was ordered by those merry Gentlemen who had before perused it, to get up into the Auction Pulpit, and read it to the whole Room, that if any one would own it, . they might. The Boy accordingly mounted the Pulpit; and with a very audible Voice read as follows.
MINUTES. Sir ROGER DE COVERLEY's Country Seat Yes, fo: I hate long Speeches ---Query, if a good Christian may be a Conjurer --- Childermas-day, Saltseller, HouseDog, Screech-Owl, Cricket Mr. Thomas Inkle of London, in the good Ship called the Achilles. Tarico Ægrescitque medendo Ghofts The Lady's Library - Lion by Trade a Taylor Dromedary called Bucephalus — Equipage the Lady's fummum bonum
Charles. Lillie to be taken Notice of Short Face a Relief to Envy
Redundancies in the three Professions King Latinus a Recruit. Jew devouring an Ham of Bacon Wesiminster-Abby ----Grand Cairo Procrastination April Fools -- Blue Boars, Red Lions, Hogs in Armour Enter a King and two
Admission into the Ugly Club.: Bcau. . ty, how improveable Families of true and false Hu.
The Parrot's School-Mistress Face half Pict half British No Man to be an Hero of a Tragedy under fix Foot - Club of Sighers - Letters froin Flower-Pots, Elbow-Chairs, Tapestry-Figures, Lion, Thunder The Bell rings to the Puppet-Show
Old Woman with a Beard married to a smock-faced Boy My next Coat to be turned up with Blue - Fable of Tongs and Gridiron Flower Dyers
The Soldier's Prayer – Thank ye for nothing, fays the Gally-Pot Pactolus in Stockings, with golden Clocks to them
Bamboos, Cudgels, Drum-iticks - Slip of my Landlady's eldest Daughter The black Mare with a Star in her Fore. head The Barber's Pole. WILL HONEYCOMB's Coat-pocket Casar's Behaviour and my own in Pa. rallel Circumstances Poem in Patch-work Nulli gravis eft percussus Achilles - The Female Conventicler
The Ogle-Master. The reading of this paper made the whole Coffeehouse very merry; some of them concluded it was write ten by a Madman, and others by some Body that had been taking Notes out of the Spectator. One who had the Appearance of a very substantial Citizen, told us, with feveral politick Winks and Nods, that he wished there was no more in the Paper than what was expressed in it: That for his part, he looked upon the Dromedary, the Gridiron, and the Barber's Pole, to signifie something more than what is usually meant by those words; and that he thought the Coffee-man could not do better, than to carry the Paper to one of the Secretaries of State. He further added, that he did not like the Name of the outlandisk Man with the Golden Clock in his Stockings. A young Oxford Scholar, who chanced to be with his Uncle at the Coffee-house, discovered to us who this Pactolus was; and by that Means turned the whole Scheme of this worthy Citizen into ridicule. While they were making their several Conjectures upon this innocent Paper, I reached out my Arm to the Boy, as he was coming out of the Pulpit, to give it me; which he did accordingly, This drew the Eyes of the whole Company upon me; but after having cast a cursory Glance over it, and shook my Head twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it into a kind of Marsh, and litt my Pipe with it. My pro
found Silence, together with the Steadiness of my Countenance, and the Gravity of my Behaviour during this whole Transaction, raised a very loud Laugh on all Sides of me; but as I had escaped all Suspicion of being the Author, I was very well satisfied, and applying my self to my Pipe and the Poffman, took no further Notice of any thing that passed about me.
MY Reader will find, that I have already made use of above half the Contents of the foregoing Paper; and will easily suppose, that those Subjects which are yet untouched, were such Provisions as I had made for his future Entertainment. But as I have been unluckily prevented by this Accident, I shall only give him the Letiers which relate to the two last Hints. The first of them I should not have published, were I not informed that there is many an Husband who suffers very much in his private Affairs by the indiscreet Zeal of such a Partner as is here. after mentioned; to whom I may apply the barbarous Inscription quoted by the Bishop of Salisbury in his Travels; Dum nimia pia eft, falta eft impia.
SIR, 6 14 Am one of those unhappy Men that are plagued with
a Gospel-Gossip, so common among Diflenters (especially Friends.) Leatures in the Morning, Church* Meetings at Noon, and Preparation-Sermons at Night, • take up so much of her Time, 'tis very rare she knows « what we have for Dinner, unlefs when the Preacher is
to be at it. With him come a Tribe, all Brothers and « Sisters it seems; while others, really such, are deemed no
Relations. If at any time I have her Company alone, she
is a meer Sermon Popgun, repeating and discharging • Texts, Proofs, and Applications so perpetually, that • however weary I may go to Bed, the Noise in my Head
will not let me sleep till towards Morning. The Misery • of my Case, and great Numbers of such Sufferers, plead your Pity and speedy Relief; otherwise muft expect, in
little time, to be lectured, preached, and prayed • into Want, unless the Happiness of being sooner talked to Death prevent it.
I am, &c.
R. G. THE
THE second Letter, relating to the Ogling Master,
Mr. SPECTATOR, 1 Am an Irish Gentleman, that have travelled many
Years for my Improvement; during which time I have accomplished my self in the whole Art of Ogling, as it is at present practised in all the polite Nations of Europe. Being thus qualified, I intend, by the Advice
of my Friends, to set up for an Ogling-Maiter. I teach • the Church Ogle in the Morning, and the Play-house • Ogle by Candle-light. I have also brought over with
me a new flying Ogle fit for the Ring; which I teach • in the Dusk of the Evening, or in any Hour of the Day • by darkning one of my Windows. I have a Manuscript
by me called The Cumpleat Ogler, which I shall be ready to shew you upon any Occasion. In the mean time, Í
beg you will publish the Subftance of this Letter in an • Advertisement, and you will very much oblige, C
Tuesday, April 24.
Ride fi Sapis
R. Hobbs, in his Discourse of Human Nature, which, in my humble Opinion, is much the best
of all his Works, after some very curious Observations upon Laughter, concludes thus : * The Passion of · Laughter is nothing else but sudden Glory arising from * some sudden Conception of some Eminency in our selves
by Comparison with the Infirmity of others, or with our
own formerly: For Men laugh at the Follies of them· felves past, when they come suddenly to Remembrance, except they bring with them any present Dishononr.
ACCORDING to this Author therefore, when we here a Man laugh excessively, instead of saying he is very Merry, we ought to tell him he is very Proud. And in
deed, if we look into the bottom of this Matter, we shall meet with many Observations to confirm us in his Ospiuion. Every one laughs at some Body that is in an inferior State of Folly to himself. It was formerly the Custom for every great House in England to keep a tame Fool dressed in Petticoats, that the Heir of the Family might have an opportunity of joking upon him and diverting himself with his Abfurdities. For the same Reason Idiots are still in request in most of the Courts of Germany, where there is not a Prince of any great Magnificence who has not two or three dressed, diftinguished, undisputed Foods in his Retinue, whom the rest of the Courtiers are always breaking their Jests upon,
THE Dutch, who are more famous for their Industry and Application, than for Wit and Humour, hang up in several of their Streets what they call the Sign of the Gaper, that is the Head of an Idiot dressed in a Cap and Bells, and gaping in a moft immoderate manner: This is a standing Jest at Amsterdam.
THUS every one diverts himself with some Person or other that is below him in Point of Underftanding, and triumphs in the Superiority of his Genius, whilft he has fuch Objects of Derision before his Eyes. Mr. Dennis has very well expressed this in a couple of humorous Lines, which are part of a Translation of a Satyr in Monsieur Boileau,
Thus one Fool lolls his. Tongue out at another,
Mr. Hobbs's Reflection gives us the Reason why the insignificant People above-mentioned are Stirrers up of Laughter among Men of a gross Taste: But as the more understanding Part-of Mankind do not find their Risibility affected by such ordinary Objects, it may be worth the while to examine into the several Provocatives of Laughter in Men of superior Sense and Knowledge,
IN the first Place I must observe, that there is a set of merry Drolls, whom the common People of all Countries admire, and seem to love so well, that they could eat them, according to the old Proverb : I mean those circumforaneOit Wits whom every Nation calls by the Name of that Difh of Meat which it loyes belt, In Holland they are