MEMOIRS OF P. P.

CLERK of this PARISH.

ADVERTISEMENT.

The original of the following extraordinary Treatife confifted of two large volumes in folio; which might juftly be entitled, The importance of a man to himself. But, as it can be of very little to any body befides, I have contented myfelf to give only this short abftract of it, as a taste of the true spirit of memoir-writers.

N the name of the Lord. Amen. I P. P. by the grace grace of God, clerk of this parish, writeth this History.

Ever fince I arrived at the age of discretion, I had a call to take upon me the function of a parith-clerk; and to that end it feemed unto me meet and profitable to affociate myself with the parish-clerks of this land; fuch, I mean, as were right worthy in their calling, men of a clear and fweet voice, and of becoming gravity.

Now it came to pafs, that I was born in the

year of our Lord anno Domini 1655, the year wherein our worthy benefactor, Efquire Bret, did add one bell to the ring of this parish. So that it hath been wittily faid, "That one and the fame

day did give to this our church two rare gifts, its great Bell and its Clerk."

Even when I was at school, my mistress did ever extol me above the rest of the youth, in that I had a laudable voice. And it was furthermore observed, that I took a kindly affection unto that black letter in which our Bibles are printed. Yea, often did I exercife myself in finging godly ballads, fuch as, The lady and death, The children in the wood, and Chevy-chace; and not, like other children, in lewd and trivial ditties. Moreover, while I was a boy, I always adventured to lead the Pfalm next after Mr William Harris, my predeceffor, who (it must be confeffed to the glory of God) was a most excellent Parish-clerk in that his day.

Yet be it acknowledged, that at the age of fixteen I became a company keeper, being led into idle converfation by my extraordinary love to ringing; infomuch, that in a fhort time I was acquainted with every fet of bells in the whole country neither could I be prevailed upon to abfent myself from wakes, being called thereunto by the harmony of the fteeple. While I was in these focieties, I gave myself up to unfpiritual paftimes, fuch as wreftling, dancing, and cudgel-playing; fo that I often returned to my fathers house with a broken pate. I had my head broken at Milton by Thomas Wyat, as we played a bout or two for an hat that was edged with filver galloon. But in the year following I broke the head of Henry Stubbs, and obtained an hat not inferior to the former. At Yelverton I encountered George Cummins, weaver, and behold my head was broken a fecond time! At the wake of Waybrook I engaged

gaged William Simkins, tanner; when, lo thus was my head broken a third time, and much blood trickled therefrom. But I administered to my

comfort, faying within myfelf, "What man is there, howfoever dexterous in any craft, who is for ay on his guard ?" A week after I had a baseborn child laid unto me; for in the days of my youth I was looked upon as a follower of venereal fantafies; thus was I led into fin by the comelinefs of Sufanna Smith, who firft tempted me, and then put me to fhame; for indeed fhe was a maiden of a feducing eye, and pleasant feature. I humbled myself before the juftice, I acknowledged my crime to our curate; and to do away mine offences, and make her fome atonement, was joined to her in holy wedlock on the fabbath-day following.

How often do thofe things which feem unto us misfortunes redound to our advantage! For the minifter who had long looked on Sufannah as the most lovely of his parifhoners) liked fo well of my demeanour, that he recommended me to the honour of being his clerk, which was then become vacant by the decease of good Master William Harris.

Here ends the first chapter; after which follow fifty or fixty pages of his amours in general, and that particular one with Susannah his prefent wife; but I proceed to chapter the ninth.

No fooner was I elected into mine office, but I laid afide the powdered gallantries of my youth, and became a new man. I confidered myself as in fome wife of ecclefiaftical dignity, fince by wearing a band, which is no fmall part of the ornament of I 6

Our

our clergy, I might not unworthily be deemed, as it were, a fhred of the linen vestment of Aaron.

Thou may'ft, conceive, O reader, with what concern I perceived the eyes of the congregation fixed upon me, when I first took my place at the feet of the priest. When I raised the Pfalm, how did my voice quaver for fear! and when I arrayed the fhoulders of the minifter with the furplice, how did my joints tremble under me! I said within myfelf, Remember Paul, thou standest before men of high worship, the wife Mr Juftice Freeman, the grave Mr Juftice Tonfon, the good Lady Jones, and the two virtuous gentlewomen her daughters, nay the great Sir Thomas Truby, knight and baronet, and my young mafter the Efquire, who fhall one day be lord of this manor :" Notwithstanding which, it was my good hap to acquit myself to the good liking of the whole congregation; but the Lord forbid I should glory therein.

The next chapter contains an account how he discharged the feveral duties of his office; in particular he infifts on the following.

I was determined to reform the manifold corruptions and abuses which had crept into the church.

First, I was especially fevere in whipping forth dogs from the temple, all excepting the lap-dog of the good widow Howard, a fober dog which yelped not, nor was there offence in his mouth.

Secondly, I did even proceed to morofenefs, though fore againft my heart, unto poor babes, in tearing from them the half-eaten apples which they privily munched at church. But verily it pitied me, for I remembered the days of my youth.

Thirdly,

Thirdly, With the sweat of my own hands I did make plain and fmooth the dogs ears throughout our great Bible.

Fourthly, The pews and benches which were formerly fwept but once in three years, I caused every Saturday to be swept with a befom, and trimmed.

Fifthly and lastly, I caufed the furplice to be neatly darned, washed, and laid in fresh lavender, (yea, and fometimes to be sprinkled with rofewater ;) and I had great laud and praise from all the neighbouring clergy, forafmuch as no parish kept the minister in cleaner linen.

Notwithstanding thefe his public cares, in the eleventh chapter he informs us he did not neglect his ufual occupations as a handy-craftsman.

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Shoes, faith he, did I make, (and if entreated, mend), with good approbation. Faces alfo did I fhave, and I clipped the hair. Chirurgery also I practised in the worming of dogs; but to bleed adventured I not, except the poor. Upon this my twofold profeffion, there paffed among men a merry tale, delectable enough to be rehearfed: how that being overtaken with liquor one Saturday evening, I fhaved the priest with Spanish blackening for fhoes, instead of a wash-ball, and with lamp-black powdered his periwig. But thefe were fayings of men delighting in their own conceits more than in the truth. For it is well known, that great was my care and skill in these my crafts; yea, I had once the honour of trimming Sir Thomas himself, without fetching blood. Furthermore, I was fought unto to geld the Lady Frances her fpaniel, which was wont to go aftray: he was

called