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VOL. XIX.

RICHMOND, MARCH, 1853.

WRINKLES ON THE HORNS OF TOBY.

φωναντα συνετοίσιν ες
δε το παν ερμηνέως
κατίζει.

PREFACE.

Pindar.

CHAPTER I.

NO. 3.

When we wrote the title above, we had not considered how extremely short would be our chapter on the causes of ugliness"res est notissima-causa latet” — -we can only say, that while it is an established fact, founded on what the most rigorous disciple In these days of confessions-when opium of Locke would consider the best evidence, eaters in the person of Thomas De Quincey, viz: sensation and perception; yet, the why and pretty women in the person of Miss Par- and the wherefore are as yet hidden from doe-find their legitimate exponent-why our ken. But, while this portion of our subshall not we, Toby, stand forward preemi- ject must be summarily dismissed, the next nent-the representative and incarnation of topic, viz--the effects of ugliness, expands that large and respectable portion of humani- itself before our vision with infinite amplity, yclept ugly men? Why shall not said Toby tude, and we can approach it only by pieceindite the reminiscences of his infancy and meal as it were, remembering that "History, youth, and the sober ponderings of his graver (and consequently biography,) is Philosophy years! and echo and the club say, "Why don't he?" And yet it requires considerable firmness for us to give a complete narration of what things have happened unto us; for in the language of a hero of old,

"Wrongs unredressed and insults unavenged;"

teaching by example." Now we know no

man's life so well as we do our own; and we shall commence by giving a brief sketch of our reminiscences-a sort of resumé of the various "moving accidents by flood and field" that have befallen us during our peripatoundings and periscopountings in this life.

CHAPTER II.

No roar of cannon ushered in the dawn of and though we are certain that some por- the sixteenth October, 18-. No "trumtions of our confessions when made public,

will chain the ear of millions in shudder-
ing sympathy," yet we shrink not from the
task; so, merely pausing to remark that we
don't like quotation or digression, and shall
demonstrate that we can do without these
fashionable expletives, we proceed to close
our preface with our title-viz:

CONFESSIONS OF AN UGLY MAN;
Being an Inquiry

INTO THE CAUSES AND EFFECTS OF UGLINESS;

With Divers Reflections Thereupon: And Some Account of the Present Condition and Prospects of UGLY MEN in this Country, (the whole exempt from quotation and digression,) with some Consulations addressed to our fellow-sufferers.

VOL.XIX-17.

peter spoke to the cannoneer without”—no

"cannon to the heavens"-no national convulsion testified to the increase in the citizens of the Federal Government: unheralded, though not perhaps unexpected, we crept into this phase of existence called life, in a small cabin of the Old Dominion—" a youth to fortune and to luck unknown." And we cannot discover that Nature evinced any sympathy with our advent. No earthquakes shook the ground; no comets blazed in the heavens-we were the sole "portent dire" that appeared on that day: and the only hint of our forthcoming, that was furnished by science, literature or art, is to be found in the almanac for the year, where, in

A discerning public will pardon us for making an "hiatus" of some two lustra, when we inform them that during that period we were in no way remarkable. We encoun

the meteorological column opposite Oct. 16, | Memories of Childhood! so sweet and so may be seen the announcement-" ugly solemn-this is not the time, nor this the weather." This was before the days of place to bring you from your quiet rest. Davy Richardson, and the art of divination, like that of painting on glass, was still extant. Of our early days we know but littleour fame having not yet quite sufficiently expanded, to render it important to fish up the tered the usual number of "lickings" at pristine efforts of our genius. We ourself school; we wept the usual amount of "briny remember only one incident of our incipient tears" over the third declension: with the literary career-and this grew out of a certain aid and countenance of our short-tailed cur, mental idiosyncrasy-a philosophic skepti- we treed as many cats as any boy of our cism as to form in letters-whereby we were times: we ascended "quantum suff." of not unfrequently led to ignore the important: "the fruit trees of North America," and we distinction between 6 and d, to the great ob- "fit" a vast number of hornets' nests:scuration and mystification of those passa- (Speaking of fruit trees and hornets' nests, ges in the writings of celebrated authors to we may remark, "par parenthèse," and with which our earlier elocutionary labors were all modesty, that we were a perfect* Loudevoted. We can scarcely think without don in regard to the one; while we were a laughing of the blunder we made-the supe- Demetrius Poliorcetes as touching the other.) rior limit of elocutional transgression-which Historic impartiality compels us also to state finally set us right about and d. Those that we were "some" after cats. Those were happy days: when we think thereon," deeds of high emprise" are, however, unwe remember the words of Cona-"The recorded, and we shall not allude to them thoughts of former years glide over my soul more, like swift shooting meteors over Ardven's gloomy vale." How clearly comes up the image of the room in which we children used to sport in the dim firelight on winter evenThe time when an ugly man begins to shine "xat'εoxnv," and "in propria persona," ings: the abominable exercises in mental arithmetic, according to the system of Pes- is when he arrives at that age when he would talozzi, whom at that time we considered a fain make himself agreeable to the other scourge to the rising generation-as indeed sex; especially when there is some "bright he proved to some of us-putting cause for particular star" of a girl in whose eyes he effect as we have the right to do: and then desires to find favor: and of such stars we the long walks and talks we had in the fields: have had a whole galaxy-yea, an hemisthe bliss unspeakable of sheep-shearing time: the glory of hogtails-the ineffable satisfaction of trapping hares in gums, and all manner of gins.

"Soft as rays of sunlight stealing,
On the dying day:

Sweet as chimes of low bells pealing
When eve fades away-

Sad as winds at night that moan,
Through the heath o'er mountains lone,
Come the thoughts of days now gone,
On manhood's memory.

As the sunbeams from the Heaven

Hide at eve their light

As the bells when fades the even

Peal not on the night

As the night winds cease to sigh
When the rain falls from the sky,
Pass the thoughts of days gone by
From age's memory."

"lest all

Should say that we are proud"

phere, which we propose to catalogue according to the most approved systems of modern astronomy; giving their right ascension and always their declination-with the exact time of transit across our meridian-determined generally by from two to three observations, with a siderial clock having a mercurial pendulum and a dead beat escapement, equal to any ever made by Hardy, Molyneux or Frodsham. We do not propose immediately to commence this undertaking, which we foresee would be of vast aid and com

Really we must beg pardon of Mr. J. T. Headley for using his word so often: for we consider that by employ ing it in such expressions as "a perfect carpet of corpses," he has invented a new mode of conveying the idea of a number of unfortunate deceased-and that he has a patent to his invention to which we have no copy-right.

fort to many ingenuous youth-not to say] We were offering some remarks on the anything of its opening to the man of sci- determination of the epact, as we shall call ence an entirely new department of siderial it, of an ugly man; and omitting any further astronomy. But we contemplate waiting for digression, we will go right in “medias res,” the new edition of the Washington Cata- as we did go when we were a youth of some logue, and the first volume of the American sixteen summers. We had but lately indued Nautical Almanac. We also foresee that it the toga virilis, being hitherto what a Roman will be a work of some labor-and we here would call, "prætextatus," that is, we wore only allude to it with the view of giving a roundabouts and went barefoot in the sumspecimen and soliciting subscriptions: any mer. As we say, we had just passed from suggestions also with regard to form and man- the chrysalis state; and our feelings, as we ner of publication, from any "gentleman of viewed ourself, in our new guise, may be betscientific attainments," will be thankfully re- ter imagined than described. It is, however, ceived and acknowledged. The following is the part of the philosopher to illustrate his our contemplated arrangement: subject by analogies drawn from every day phenomena: this has hitherto been done on the principle of resemblance: we shall strike out a new track, however, a sort of paradox. ical analogy by antithesis-and we hope to be understood perfectly, when we say that our feelings might have been likened to those of a tadpole, who newly divested of tail, and endowed with lungs and legs, for the first time hops,

180°

1827.

May, 12,

180°

1829.

June 13,

Nov. 19,

1824.

23228

ON)

DATES.

OBSERVATIONS.

Colum for

Vertical

mometer.

Ther

Face.

Micrometer.

Circle Reading.

Direct.

Reverse.

External.

Internal.

Barometer.
Inclination of Col-
limator.

X Zenith Point.

8 Correction.
Refraction.

90° 90°

CHAPTER III.

"Mon Dieu qu'il est terrible,

Ses regards m'ont fait peur, mais une peur horrible,
Et jamais je ne vis un plus hideux Chretien."

Molière, L'Ecole des Femmes. 11. 3.

Our first exploit in the female line, was when we were departing from the paternal roof to seek our fortune among Greek verbs and the intricacies of mathematics. Let it be remembered, that hitherto we were somewhat in the category of that "rose in the desert," whereof poets rhyme and females sing-or of those "gems of purest ray serene," which, we are given to understand, are hidden "in the dark unfathomable caves of ocean." Howbeit, we had not as yet risen sufficiently above the public horizon for it to be determined "what manner of man" we "In short," our apocalypse was as that of a comet or other meteor.

8 in.

90° 180° 2 feet.

Two Observations. Results same.