assured him he was entitled to in the way of

Sketches of the Flush Times of Alabama and declaration: the main difficulty that some

Mississippi.

THE BENCH AND BAR.

STOCKING A LAUGH.

times foiled Ransed's discrimination, even when at its keenest edge, was to know what parts of the form might be omitted without leaving the plaint fatally defective and great were the exercises of Ransed's intellect upon this distressing topic. I am afraid 'Squire After a while the practice of quibbling and Malony's temper suffered some abatement of taking small points began to grow out of its equanimity by these repeated mental agifashion. It was found to be unprofitable. tations. He was not a sweet-tempered man. Nobody made any thing by it, and it was ex- He was subject to fits of strong excitement, ceedingly troublesome to the lawyers, for especially in the heat naturally inspired by which trouble they got no pay; and it took an argument upon a special demurrer, inup the time of the Court to no purpose, flaming a warm imagination or fervid pasand frequently to the postponement of impor- sions. The excitement sometimes became tant business. So some of us thought of almost too much for his nervous system; trying a plan to put it down. and under the inspiration of his argumentaAt the Fall session, 184-, of K. Circuit tion, his hand became so tremulous as to renCourt-Judge A. presided. To save time, der him unable to read the special causes of he appointed night sessions to hear motions, demurrer, at least with that facility and fludemurrers, and such business as the Judge ency which are essential to beauty and brildespatched without jury or examination of liancy of delivery in such compositions. I witnesses. Many lawyers were in atten- cannot say that, on the whole, Ransed was dance, the docket being much crowded. an interesting speaker. His discourse, it is Among them was Ransed Malony. Now true, flowed through some of those " Salinas Ransed was a swift man in the dilatory line. or salt-pits," of which Lord Bacon speaks: His eyes were fashioned on the microscope hence probably its dryness to the auditors. plan; and like Jeffrey-Byron being wit- But then he used to cultivate an axiomatic ness—“ all that law as yet had taught him style, which was too severe, in the great clots was to find a flaw," though he had been and dabs of wisdom he threw out, for the sucking at one of the hind teats of the law assimilating powers of his hearers; forcing for some quarter of a century. Ransed them to think, with the critic who read the lived in the adjoining circuit, where his nat- dictionary, that the matter was very good, ural aptitude for small points had been shar- but the subject was changed too often. His pened against Jos. H's steel. Like William want of variety was supplied by a very alert of Deloraine, the Scotch collecting attor- turn for repetition, which was exercised freney-vide Scott's Reports-who did a brisk quently after he professed to pass on to business on the Southern border-Ransed

"Harried the men on hill and dale,

And drove the beeves of Lauderdale."

another head or point of discourse; as the countryman, after changing his plate at the town tavern, called for more bacon and greens. His style of logic was pecular and original:

If Ransed did profess to know any thing, sometimes when pressed in the argument, it was the laws pertaining to special demur- he would prove the minor proposition by asrers as applied to a count on a promissory suming the truth of the major; than which, note. His learning on that interesting head if the opponent did not challenge his premiwas, as he had it, "intricit." Few men ses, nothing could be better despatchedhad read Chitty's, Saunders' and Gould's or more unnecessary. The difficulty with precedent so often: he knew to a gnat's 'Squire Ransed was to know when he was heel what the form was, from the title of the through his speech: but surely he cannot be Court to the signature of the attorney. You blamed for this; seeing that, about conclucouldn't begin to fool Ransed with any thing ding time, he could not see any particular short of a full complement of what the form reason why he had spoken so much, it is not

to be wondered at that he could see the same shows a number; and a number of one thing reason for saying more. Even after he had as well as another: it may mean 1840 bushtaken his seat he was in the habit of rising els of corn." (Here H. G., the leader of the to make supplementary and amended argu- orchestra, exploded, and the rest followed ments; but it is only fair to say that the op- suit.) 3. "The said declaration does not posite counsel had no right to complain of show any party complaining—which is error. such emendations, as they were repetitions It says, it is true, the said pl'ff complains; of what he had better said before. but pl'ff does not mean plaintiff." (Here there

It was found out that Malony was defend- was another explosion, and Ransed asked ing, among other matters, one of Jonathan protection of the court.) 4. "The said deJoy's cases; and had, as usual, put in a de-claration commences with a 'Whereas,' inmurrer to the declaration: the matter of the stead of a For that,'-which is error." demurrer was to be tried that night at the (Here we all broke out again; but Ransed, judge's room. This was a first rate oppor- to appease the crowd, interposed-"I waive tunity for putting into execution the scheme that.") 5. "There is no super se assumpsit of laughing quibbles out of court and coun--which is error." Argument: "It is true tenance. The whole bar, and several other that the later books say that there is no nepersons, numbering some forty or fifty in all, cessity for this when a promise is averred; were present. H. G. and I went around but these are overruled by the elder cases among the brethren of the better sort and which all require it, and the precedent beconcerted with them the scheme: this was fore me, (Chitty's,) has it in it." Per curithat whenever Joy said any thing intended am-"Is there not a note of the editor sayfor fun or ridicule, all should applaud in cho- ing it is not necessary?" Ransed-" Y-e-s, rus, and the more the better. We went to your honor, but the form has it plain, and the Joy, and, representing to him the necessity note, I insist, is a mere obiter dictum of the of putting down this quibbling propensity, of the author, and not authority." (Here a got him to do his best to give Ransed a ben- laugh broke out, which the court had to inefit. He very readily consented; for, be- terpose to stop.) 6. "Because the said desides that he did the largest business in the claration does not show that the plaintiff has collecting line in that region, his sturdy sense sustained any damage by the breach-which and his elevated character concurred to in- is error." Argument: "The declaration spire disgust at the pettifogging practices uses the words, and refers to 'pl'ff and def't,' in vogue. He was the very man for the and, in conclusion, says the defendant has purpose. He had a strong sense of ridicule, not paid the said note to pl'ff to his damage,' a racy and unique manner, and a coolness &c. Whose damage? It does not appear and deliberation which enabled him to carry but that it was to the defendant's own dama purpose of this sort through, while his ex- age; and if the defendant himself was damperience and weight of character and posi- nified by his not paying his note, the plaintion in and outside of the bar, gave effect to tiff has no right to sue-that's clear damall he said. After the despatch of some num sqee juryah.' (This idea being parother business, the case was called. Ransed ticularly brilliant, was greeted with a round opened the matters of demurrer. They were of applause.) "The said declaration some ten or twelve. The declaration was on shows no breach-which is error." Argua promissory note. 1. Cause of demurrer-ment: "This point depends on the ground "that the said declaration is not entitled of taken last-his damage: Who's his? Thereany term of this court-which is error." (It fore, I insist the declaration shows no breach." was entitled "Fall term.") Argument: "it A shrill voice here whispered, "The dewas entitled Fall term; but there is no such claration can't say the same of you, Ranterm-the term is the November term." 2. sed," which caused such a laugh that Malo"The declaration does not show in what ney sat down grumbling out something about year the same is entitled-which is error" satisfaction.

(the declaration stated "1840.") Argument: Brother Jonathan rose to reply. Never "1840 does not show the year-it only had speaker such an audience. There could

be no such thing as fail. Even if he had remember. But he wasn't in court next not said a word, but had merely gone through morning; and when the case was called, I the motions, this would have done. Such observed that Jonathan took judgment withan air of preparation-such visible expecta- out further defence or let. This was about tion-shifting of seats-clearing of throats- the last I ever saw of Ransed in that court; adjusting themselves in easy positions for and from that time special demurrers got enjoying the discourse: while H. G's coun- below par. tenance, sharp as a steel trap, and as full of Ransed never liked Jonathan after that fun as a farce, beamed encouragement on the night: at least I judge so from hearing that speaker "to cry aloud and spare not." Ran- he spoke of that yankee fellow, Joy, as the sed's seat began to be uncomfortable to him, most overrated man he ever knew, and cerand well it might, for there were ominous tainly the most uninteresting speaker. He tokens of something coming which he had said he once listened to him arguing a denot contracted for. Jonathan was not long murrer for an hour and a half, and really it in paying his respects to him. You would was distressing to hear him.

ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

have thought you were in a hatter's shop from the way the fur flew. For one hour and a quarter, by the watch, he baited him. In vain Ransed squirmed and fidgetted and rose to explain or deny; every time he rose we laughed him down; and every rising afforded fresh provocation and fresh materials A trial came off not precisely in our bailifor further assailment. He was only audible wick, but in the neighborhood, of great comic once when, on coming to the 4th cause of interest. It was really a case of a good deal demurrer, Joy wished to know why it was of aggravation, and the defendants, fearing set down if was to be withdrawn as soon as the result, employed four of the ablest lawread, Ransed said something in apology about yers practising at the M. bar, to defend its being inserted "in the heat of composi- them. The offence charged was only assault tion," and the leader of the orchestra giving and battery; but the evidence showed a conthe sign, the very rafters rung with the fun. spiracy to inflict great violence on the perAfter that there was no more interruption. son of the prosecutor, who had done nothing He became the picture of unresisting imbe- to provoke it, and that the attempt to effect it cility and dogged submission. But though was followed by severe injury to him. The Ransed had struck his flag, the firing did not prosecutor was an original. He had been Jonathan intended to sink his ship. an old-field schoolmaster, and was as conHe kept up a continual cannonade, relieved ceited and pedantic a fellow as could be found only by volleys of musketry. We roared-in a summer's day, even in that profession. we stamped-we clapped our hands-we It was thought the policy of the defence to threw ourselves back-we slapped each other make as light of the case as possible, and to on the shoulders-we would pretend to hold cast as much ridicule on the affair as they in for respect to Ransed, but, catching his could. J. E. and W. M. led the defence, eye, even in the serious parts of Joy's epic and, although the talents of the former were and didactic essay-for it was hardly a legal rather adapted to grave discussion than argument—we would burst out as if restraint pleasantry, he agreed to doff his heavy arwere impossible under such circumstances of mor for the lighter weapons of wit and ridimirthful provocation. At length, when Joy cule. M. was in his element. He was at concluded with a reference to Mrs. Admiral all times and on all occasions at home when Hardcastle's disappointment, as chronicled fun was to be raised: the difficulty with him in one of Smollett's novels,-and made a not was rather to restrain than to create mirth very remote application of this incident to and laughter. The case was called and put Malony, we broke up the convocation in a to the jury. The witness, one Burwell hurrah. Shines, was called for the prosecution. A Whether Ransed replied or not, I do not broad grin was upon the faces of the coun

cease.

sel for the defence as he came forward. It frolic, would have turned an old Virginia was increased when the clerk said, "Bur-Reel into a Dead March. He was one of rell Shines come to the book ;" and the wit-Carlyle's earnest men. Cromwell would have ness, with deliberate emphasis, remarked-made him Ensign of the Ironsides, and ex"My christian name is not Burrell, but Bur- officio chaplain at first sight. He took out well-though I am vulgarly denominated by his pocket-handkerchief, slowly unfolded it the former epithet." "Well," said the clerk, from the shape in which it came from the "Bur-well Shines come to the book and be washerwoman's, and awaited the interrogasworn." He was sworn and directed to take tion. As he waited, he spat on the floor and the stand. He was a picture! nicely wiped it out with his foot. The soHe was dressed with care. His toilet was licitor told him to tell about the difficulty in elaborate and befitting the magnitude and hand. He gazed around on the court-then dignity of the occasion, the part he was to on the bar-then on the jury-then on the fill and the high presence into which he had crowd-addressing each respectively as he come. He was evidently favorably impress- turned: "May it please your honor-Gened with his own personal pulchritude; yet, tlemen of the bar-Gentlemen of the jury-with an air of modest deprecation, as if he Audience. Before proceeding to give my said by his manner, "after all, what is beau- testimonial observations, I must premise that ty that man should be proud of it, and what I am a member of the Methodist Episcopal, are fine clothes, that the wearers should put otherwise called Wesleyan persuasion of themselves above the unfortunate mortals Christian individuals: One bright Sabbath who have them not?" morning in May, the 15th day of the month, He advanced with deliberate gravity to the past year, while the birds were singing the stand. There he stood, his large bell- their matutinal songs from the trees, I salcrowned hat, with nankeen-colored nap an lied forth from the dormitory of my Semiinch long in his hand; which hat, he care- nary, to enjoy the reflections so well suited fully handed over the bar to the clerk, to hold to that auspicious occasion. I had not prountil he should get through his testimony. ceeded far, before my ears were accosted He wore a blue single-breasted coat with with certain Bacchanalian sounds of revelry, new brass buttons; a vest of blueish calico; which proceeded from one of those haunts of nankeen pants that struggled to make both vicious depravity, located at the Cross Roads, ends meet, but failed, by a few inches, in near the place of my boyhood, and fashionathe legs, yet made up for it by fitting a little bly denominated a doggery. No sooner had better than the skin every where else; his I passed beyond the precincts of this diabolhead stood upon a shirt collar that held it up ical rendezvous of rioting debauchees, than by the ears, and a cravat something smaller I heard behind me the sounds of approaching than a table-cloth, bandaged his throat: his footsteps as if in pursuit. Having heard preface was narrow, long and grave, with an in-viously, sundry menaces, which had been describable air of ponderous wisdom, which, made by these preposterous and incarnadine as Fox said of Thurlow, "proved him neces- individuals of hell, now on trial in prospect sarily a hypocrite; as it was impossible for of condign punishment, fulminated against any man to be as wise as he looked." Grav- the longer continuance of my corporeal saluity and decorum marked every lineament of brity, for no better reason than that I reprohis countenance, and every line of his body. bated their criminal orgies, and not wishing All the wit of Hudibras could not have moved my reflections to be disturbed, I hurried my a muscle of his face. His conscience would steps with a gradual accelerated motion. have smitten him for a laugh almost as soon Hearing, however, their continued advance, as for an oath. His hair was roached up, and the repeated shoutings, articulating the and stood as erect and upright as his body; murderous accents, Kill him! Kill Shadand his voice was slow, deep, in "linked belly with his praying clothes on!" (which sweetness long drawn out," and modulated was a profane designation of myself and my according to the camp-meeting standard of religious profession;) and casting my head elocution. Three such men at a country over my left shoulder in a manner somehow

reluctantly thus, (throwing his head to one I have omitted any thing, in form or subside,) and perceiving their near approxima- stance, I stand ready to supply the omission; tion, I augmented my speed into what might and if I have stated any thing amiss, I be denominated a gentle slope-and subse- will cheerfully correct the same, limiting the quently augmented the same into a species averment, with appropriate modifications, of dog-trot. But all would not do. Gentle- provisions and restrictions. The learned counmen, the destroyer came. As I reached the sel may now proceed more particularly to infence and was about propelling my body over terrogate me of and respecting the premises." the same, felicitáting myself on my prospect After this oration, Burwell wiped the perof escape from my remorseless pursuers, spiration from his brow, and the counsel for they arrived, and James William Jones, call- the State took him. Few questions were ed, by nick-name, Buck Jones, that red-head- asked him, however, by that official; he coned character now at the bar of this honorable fining himself to a recapitulation in simple court, seized a fence rail, grasped it in both terms, of what the witness had declared, hands, and standing on tip-toe, hurled the and procuring Burwell's assent to his transsame, with mighty emphasis, against my lation. Long and searching was the crosscerebellum which blow felled me to the examination by the defendant's counsel; earth. Straightway, like ignoble curs upon a but it elicited nothing favorable to the dedisabled lion, these bandit ruffians and in- fence, and nothing shaking, but much to concarnadine assassins leaped upon me, some firm Burwell's statement. pelting, some bruising, some gouging- After some other evidence, the examina"every thing by turns, and nothing long," as tion closed, and the argument to the jury the poet hath it; and one of them, which one commenced. The solicitor very briefly adunknown to me having no eyes behind-verted to the leading facts, deprecated any inflicted with his teeth, a grievous wound attempt to turn the case into ridicule-adupon my person-where, I need not specify. mitted that the witness was a man of eccenAt length, when thus prostrate on the ground, tricity and pedantry, but harmless and inofone of those bright ideas, common to minds fensive-a man evidently of conscientiousof men of genius, struck me: I forthwithness and respectability; that he had shewn sprang to my feet-drew forth my cutto-himself to be a peaceable man, but when occacirculated the same with much vivacity sion demanded, a brave man; that there among their several and respective corporeal was a conspiracy to assassinate him upon no systems, and every time I circulated the same cause except an independence, which was I felt their iron grasp relax. As cowardly honorable to him, and an attempt to execute recreants, even to their own guilty friend- the purpose in pursuance of previous threats, ships, two of these miscreants, though but and severe injury by several confederates on slightly perforated by my cutto, fled, leaving a single person, and this on the Sabbath and the other two, whom I had disabled by the when he was seeking to avoid them. vigor and energy of my incisions, prostrate W. M. rose to reply. and in my power: these lustily called for turned out to hear him. quarter, shouting out "enough!" or, in their favorite-the most popular speaker in the barbarous dialect, being as corrupt in lan-country-had the versatility of a mocking guage as in morals, "nuff;" which quarter bird, an aptitude for burlesque that would I magnanimously extended them, as unwor- have given him celebrity as a dramatist and thy of my farther vengeance, and fit only as a power of acting, that would have made his subjects of penal infliction, at the hands of fortune on the boards of a theatre. A rich the offended laws of their country; to which treat was expected; but it didn't come. The laws I do now consign them: hoping such witness had taken all the wind out of Wilmercy for them as their crimes will permit; liam's sails. He had rendered burlesque imwhich, in my judgment, (having read the possible. The thing as acted was more lucode,) is not much. This is my statement dicrous that it could be as described. The on oath, fully and truly, nothing extenuating crowd had laughed themselves hoarse alreaand naught setting down in malice; and, if dy; and even M.'s comic powers seemed and

All Screamersville William was a great