PLACIDUS PLIANT, WHO WAS ALL FOR A QUIET LIFE. "As far as I can see, the life of a man consists in getting into scrapes, and getting out of them."-PETER SIMPLE. THE most preposterous principle upon which philosophers have ever stumbled is that which asserts, that every individual is possessed of the power to shape his own destiny. So far from it, that is precisely the particular ill that flesh is heir to wherein a man is utterly with out help from himself or aid from others. Though he wriggle into the wicked world with a spine as circumvolved as a corkscrew, art can untwist, his backbone and leave him straight as the "herald Mercury." Is the new-born a suckling of ill favour? have we not the Rowland, that mighty wizard, whose Genii Macassar and Kalydor straightway transform a Gorgon into a Grace! marvels indeed can science achieve for us in most things moral and physical-but for our destinies "merely we are Fate's fools." Let such as doubt the truth of my position, and ask for authorities, begin with Moses, and they will find it supported by every historian up to the date of their search inclusive, crowning the conviction with the following narrative, "one modern instance more." The stock of the Pliants of which I am so unworthy a shoot, was planted on the banks of the Severn about a couple of centuries ago, my ancestor, who took up his abode there, being fond of ease and angling, and having had a consideration offered him in those parts, upon the condition of accommodating himself to a republic shortly after the battle of Worcester. This he did without any difficulty, observing that his name was Easy, and although monarchy was a good thing enough, salmon fishing was a better." There all my lineage appear to have made themselves content up to the year 1798, when my father, accompanied by his helpmate, paid a visit to Ireland, for no reason that I could ever gather, save that I might be frightened into existence by the events then and there being enacted. In such an introduction to life there was ample augury of a future "out of joint." My natural characteristics were timidity, meekness, and remarkable bashfulness; wherefore (that the finger of Misrule might be put betimes into my mortal vol-au-vent) I was at four years old turned adrift amid the civil dudgeon of a public school, where the small sweet courtesies are laughed to scorn, and the rule of society is what Scott calls "The simple plan— That they may take who have the power, I pass over the days which it is the custom to call the happiest of our lives (by the figure "wise warse" probably of the immortal Liston), but in which my pleasures were rather confined, the intellectual consisting entirely of the flowers of speech addressed to me in the capacity of "fag," and the carnal, of a cookery, whose principal ingredient was rib-roasting. Well, I grew towards man's estate, with a disposition for the bye-ways of life, but Fate had ordained that I should begin my journey by a far different route. By the fair banks of Cam or Isis I would wander " Fancy led," and sigh that for me some god had designed "hæc otia." I was not however long permitted to indulge in such gentle musings; it was announced to me that a commission in a dragoon regiment had been placed at my father's disposal. I hesitated; he teazed; so my motto being "Any thing for a quiet life," forthwith there appeared in the Gazette," Placidus Pliant, Gent., to be cornet without purchase," under the head of "Promotions in the corps of Lancers." My first appearance with "long sword, saddle, bridle," was at Manchester, and a shocking effect the debut had upon my nervous organization. Conceive a fellowcreature, with a system as susceptible as one complete and perfect "tic," constrained to clatter himself about a manufacturing district as populous as a bee-hive, awaking the echoes with a scimitar that swept the earth, and striking fire out of the flag-way with cold iron protruding from his heels! But use lessens marvel, and I learnt to brazen it out in public better than I could manage affairs in their more domestic character. King Jamie himself never abhorred the "infernal mundungus," as he was wont to call it, more than by nature I loathed tobacco. Not to smoke would have been equivalent to a personal insult to every member of the corps, and a mutiny against Lancer-etiquette. Consequently I was never to be seen without a cigar under my nose, the effect of which, for the first year or so, was precisely that experienced in a good ground swell between Dover and Calais by a patient of a decidedly bilious habit of stomach. Your Dane, according to Shakspeare, is of renown as a drinker, but I do not think that mortal clay ever dipped moustache into wine cup that could compare with some of our old stagers. It would be invidious to select any for individual eulogy where all were of unimpeachable prowess and unflinching game. I am satisfied there was not a man who bore a commission among us (indeed without any risk I may include every non-commissioned officer and private) who, had you but hinted your wish, would have refused to hob-nob with you in a gallon of brandy. At first a bottle of Madeira at dinner, and a couple of something else after the cloth was drawn, used to mystify me a good deal-a fact not much to be wondered at, seeing that before I joined, I had never drank three glasses of wine in any one day of my life. Our major, who was an Irish gentleman of a most compassionate disposition, observing my melancholy deficiency, very kindly, as he said, "took me in tow;" but as his pilotage in the red sea was attended with a shipwreck and other casualties, I think the episode is worthy of a paragraph. When the course of probation had been pursued long enough to warrant an opinion that I was fit for a 'big drink," my excellent tutor took occasion to enquire one evening, when the mess was rather select, "what I should think of trying my hand on half a dozen of claret?" I would sooner have attempted half a hogshead than be bored about it, so the wine was ordered; the black bottle and a glass that held the better part of a pint were put before me, and to it I went like a French falconer. I sat at the foot of the table, and about the middle of the fourth bottle a singular change seemed to be effecting the position of the president who was my vis-a-vis. Slowly the end of the room which he occupied appeared to descend-while that in which I was seated became elevated in an equal proportion. The movement was a gradual one, but its effect would not be the less decisive-in a few more minutes the Cornet on trial, together with what remained of his fourth bottle of Bordeaux, and the glass that held the better part of a pint, would slide down the inclined plane, and be quietly lodged in the president's bosom. There was no help for it the thing was inevitable-so, setting my nerves in order, and holding on bodily by the sides of the chair, I prepared to meet the catastrophe like a man. Although the phenomenon and its approaching consequences disturbed me a good deal, still I was collected enough to observe, not with ut surprise, that no one else at table paid the least attention to it-but, on the contrary, that I was the cynosure of all eyes. At length the crisis arrived, the chair slid from under me, and I felt myself being projected towards the pit of the president's stomach, when the hand of the major arrested my flight, and his voice called back my scattered senses. Placide puer," said he, "thou art inebriated: like a sensible youth, go to bed, if you can, or shall I tow you to your cubile?" But the spirit of yielding was become inflexible as double brass. I snapped my fingers in his face, swore I was more sober then ever was Solomon on the judgmentseat, emptied my claret, called for another bottle, and roared out, in a voice of thunder, "Bring burnt toast and pepper'd devils, Dry provocatives to drink; Smile, Aurora, on our revels; Fill your glasses to the brink!" A mighty chorus succeeded, upon the Dutch principle, “ Every man to his own tune;" and then all was still; the atmosphere grew intolerably close, I gasped for breath; anon the cold was intense, my teeth chattered, my jaws smote each other, there was a rushing sound as of some vast cataract in my ears-a plunge as from a precipice and all was over. If ever there was a pair of eyes made expressly to ruin a Lancer's peace, it was that particular couple which, in 182-, looked over the counter of a "divan," opposite the Bridgewater Arms, in the town of Manchester. Long before the date of which I write, they had found their way to my heart of hearts. Independent, moreover, of their intrinsic claims (which Heaven knows were irresistible enough), I owed their lovely mistress a large account of gratitude, forasmuch as I must have been smothered in my noviciate of Jose Caballos, had her beauty not dawned through the mists "and smiled the clouds away." Things of this sort are not long kept quiet in country quar ters, and I was aware that my affair with Annette had already begun to be smoked. A few of our youngsters took the liberty of occasional allusions; but my bibulous Mecenas was particularly troublesome. He never, by any chance; could pass the shop without staring into it like the Saracen's Head. This I was disposed to overlook, seeing that he was an Irishman, and most probably could not help himself. But latterly, whenever he saw I had established a tete à-tête, he made it a practice to volunteer a bodkin. He was a pleasant fellow, notwithstanding. His jokes would have thawed the bile of Heraclitus himself, and his "Groves of Blarney" were as tuneable as if he had been born with a nest of nightingales under his midriff-I called him, in short, my "fidus Achates" one moment, and in the next meditated cutting his throat. Thus were matters situated when, with a malice unknown to Christian men, he undertook ostensibly a kindly office, while his real object was to blight the hope of my first affections-to ruin me with the lady of my love! Let me be brief. It has been seen how the experiment of the half-dozen of claret turned out; but where it finished, as far as I was an active party to it, began its purpose in that wherein I was destined to exhibit as a passive agent. I was carried and placed in my camp-bed; and, that accomplished, a note was written and despatched, requesting that at an early hour on the next morning my account for cigars and tobaccos might be brought up to the barracks," as Mr. Pliant was about to go on leave." The sun was beaming in at my window as I awoke from a horrid sleep of nightmare and fever. The first attempt to move proved that my couch had more tenants than one. I turned, and there, at my side, in a lace cap and pink ribbons, lay (oh! horror of horrors!) a hirsute monster (how can I write it?)—the foal of an ass-an actual donkey, with one arm under my head, and the other reposing upen the counterpane! In my frenzy I kicked the brute-it was bound to the bedstead and could not escape-it struggled, and, finding all efforts ineffectual,-holy saints!-discharged, actually into my ears, its plaint, more dismal than the wailing of souls in purgatory. With a furious rush I attempted to escape. I looked up as I tore back the bed-clothes, and there, at the open chamber-door, stood the brightest pair of eyes that ever looked upon a havannah; the adjutant, with the orderly book in his hand; my servant with sodawater and brandy; and the major-I thirsted for that man's blood -lucky for him that I was "all for a quiet life." *** While civilians open their almanacks to learn the increase or decrease of the day, to the gentleman soldier, at out-quarters, each revolution of the earth brings the 21st of June. To such, the day is like one "living on annuity," apparently immortal. It may sound oddly to the majority who look upon this page, but it is not the less a fact, that I have known men actually pine into sickness from sheer ennui ;—it will read with a brogue, but I have seen examples of those who have been almost brought to an untimely end by the length of their days. Fond as I was of a quiet life, I almost began to weary of so much unwelcome ease as a country town affords the warrior in piping times of peace," when fortunately it was announced that Mr. Sadler was about to astonish the cotton-spinners. Aerostation in those days was not quite the style of thing it is now, when omnibuses and balloons run and fly upon a similar principle as to fares, 66 though they differ in the regularity of their distances. I confess I was pleased at the prospect of such a quiet sort of excitement. I was tired, not of having nothing to do, but of being obliged to do one particular kind of nothing for too long a time. To stand, with a cigar gently exhaling itself, apart from all interruption, and there contemplate the progress of a heavenward journey, performed as noiselessly as the dew of evening falls upon the rose-leaf, was certainly adapted to their taste who love a quiet life. It was the afternoon of a cloudless summer day, that all the disposable population had assembled to witness the ascent of the venerable Sadler, which had the additional attraction of being the first appearance in the sky of a scientific gentleman belonging to the town. Crowds had been collecting from an early hour, and as the time drew near announced for the departure of the intrepid voyagers, half the county of Lancaster was gathered together. Our band had been engaged for the occasion. This was placed in the inner circle, an enclosure preserved for the privileged, the 'middle occupied by the great object of attraction-the balloon itself. Into this circle, mingled with the beauty and fashion of the place, strolled, as the hour approached, every commissioned idler of the Lancers-(that is to say, every man of the corps at or near head-quarters). As my habit was, I had taken possession of a remote nook, occupied alternately with the professional doings of the aeronaut, and the no less professional sweethearting of my brethren in arms. From time to time, Sadler would cast an anxious look towards the entrance of the circle; presently came whisperings-enquiries for the “scientific gentleman"-surprise-doubt-and, as the populace became clamorous for the ascent (the hour being already past), the fatal news that the philosopher had already gone off-in a syncope, and was at that moment lying in a comfortable swoon at a neighbouring public-house. This was like a thunderbolt to the luckless professor of aerostatics. Full well he knew that all the liberal patronage with which he was surrounded would never have been lavished for the gratification of witnessing one man jeopardy his life-and particularly one in a manner used to it, as eels are to be flayed. Dismay was in his looks-he turned colour as fast as a chameleon, and appeared in a fair way for following the example of the syncopistic man of science. The fatal intelligence was as yet confined to those immediately about himself. Could he persuade any of the gentlemen upon the spot to accompany him? This seemed a forlorn hope; but what else was there for it. I don't see, at this moment, what there appertained to the dilemma, of which chance had made me a spectator, that should have caused me to feel more about it than another; but I did experience an emotion for which I could not account. Something, I suppose, must have given a hint to my presentiments, for I not only wished myself out of the way, but began to make preparation for a removal. At that critical juncture my eye encountered the major; he was in earnest discourse with the aeronaut; he was speaking of me; I saw my name issue from the caitiff's lips. Straightway Sadler drew near, and, touching his little velvet sky scraper, hoped I would pardon the liberty, but Major — |