Church at Leyden) fhews Adam and Eve without Fig-leaves. At Funerals he gives infallible Signs that the Party is gone to Heaven; but his chief Mark of a Child of God, is, to be good to God's Minifters. And hence it is he calls his Preachment Manna, fitted not to his Hearers Neceffity but their Palate; for 'tis to feed himself, not them. If he chance to tire, he refrefhes himself with the People's Hum,. as a Collar of Bells to chear up a Packhorse. 'Tis no wonder he'll Preach, but that any will hear him, (and his conftant Auditors do but shew the length of their Ears ;) for he is fuch an Αβελτεροκόκκυξ, that to hear him makes good Scholars fick, but to read him is Death. Yet though you hear him three Hours, he'll ask a fourth, as the Beggar at Delph craves your Charity because he eats four pound_of Bread at a Meal. 'Twas from his Larum the Watchmakers learn'd their infinite Screw. His Glafs and Text are equally handled, that is, once an Hour: Nay, fometimes he fallies and never returns, and then we fhould leave him to the Company of Lorimers for F. 4

he

he must be held with Bit and Bridle. Who ever once has been at his Church can never doubt the Hiftory of Balaam. If he have got any new Tale or Expreffion, 'tis eafier to make Stones fpeak, than him to hold his Peace. He hates a Church where there is an Echo, for it robs him of his dear. Repetition, and confounds the Auditory as well as he. But of all Mortals I admire the Short-Hand-Men, who have the Patience to write from his Mouth: Had they the Art to fhorten it into Senfe, they might write his whole Sermon on the back of their Nail. For his Invention confifts in finding a way to fpeak nothing upon any thing; and were he in the Grand Seignior's Power, he would lodge him. with his Mutes; for Nothing, and Nothing to purpofa, are all one. wonder in Confcience he can preach againft Sleeping at his Opium-Sermons. He Preaches indeed both in Seafon and. out of Seafon; for he rails at Popery, when the Land is almoft loft in Prefbytery, and would cry out, Fire, Fire, in Noah's Flood. Yet all this he fo acts with his Hands, that in this Senfe too his Preaching is an Handi

I

craft,

craft. Nor can we complain that Plays are put down while he can preach; fave only his Sermons have worfe Sense and lefs Truth. But he blew down the Stage, and preach'd up the Scaffold. And very wifely, left Men fhould track him, and find where he pilfers all his beft Similies, (the only thing wherein he is commendable, St. Paul himself having cull'd Sentences from Menander's Thais, though 'twas his worst, that is, unchaft Comedy.) Sometimes the Affembler will venture at the Original, and then (with the Tranflator of Don Quixot) he miftakes Sobs and Sighs for Eggs and Coliops. But commonly (for want of Greek and Latin) he learns Hebrew, and ftreight is illuminated, that is Mad; his Brain is broke by a Brick-bat caft from the Tower of Babel. And yet this empty windy Teacher has lectured a War quite round the Kingdom: He has found a Circulation of Blood for Deftruction (as famous Harvey for Prefervation) of Mankind. 'Twas ea fie to foresee a great Mortality, when Ravens were heard in all Corporations: For, as Multitude of Frogs prefage a Peftilence, fo croaking Lecturers

FS

fore

foretold an Affembly. Men come to Church, as the Great Alexander went to Sacrifice, led by Crows. You have feen a fmall Elder tree grow in Chinks and Clefts of Church-Walls, it seems rather a Weed than a Tree; which,. lend it Growth, makes a Rent in the Wall, and throws down the Church. Is not this the Affembler? grown from Schifms, (which himself begot) and, if permitted, will make the Church but a Floor or Church Tard. Yet for all this, he will be call'd, Chrift's Minister and Saint, as the Rebels against King John were the Army of God. Sure when they meet they cannot but fmile, for the dulleft amongst them needs must know that they all cheat the People; fuch grofs, low Impoftors, that we die the Death of the Emperor Claudius, poyfon'd by Muhromes. The old Hereticks had Skill and Learning, (fome excufe for a Seduced. Church) thofe were Scholars, but these Affemblers; whofe very Brains (as. Manichans's Skin) are stuffed with chaff. For they ftudy little,and preach much, ever fick of a Diabetes: Nor do they Read, but Weed Authors, picking up cheap and refuse Notes,

that,

that, with Caligula, they gather Cockle Shells, and with Domitian, retireinto their Study to catch Flies. At Fafts and Thanksgivings the Assembler is the State's Trumpet; for then he doth not preach, but is blown; proclaims News very loud, the Trumpet and his Forehead being both of one Mettal. (And yet, good Man, he ftill prays for Boldness.) He hackneys out his Voice, like a Crier; and is a kind of Spiritual Agitant, receives Orders, and fpreads them. In earneft, the States can't want this Tool, for without him the Saints would fcarce affem-ble. And if the Zealots chance to fly out, they are charm'd home by this Sounding Brafs. There is not on Earth. a bafer Sycophant; for he ever is chewing fome Vote or Ordinance; and tells the People how favoury it is;. like him who lick'd up the Emperor's Spittle, and fwore 'twas fweet. Would the Two Houfes give him Cathedral Lands, he would prove Lords and Commons to be Jure Divino: But, fhould they offer him the Self-denying Ordinance, he would juftify the Devil, and curfe them to their Faces, (his Brother Kirk Man did it in Scotland.)