Зображення сторінки

Church at Leyden) Thews Adam and Eve without Fig-leaves. At Funerals he gives infallible Signs that the Party is gone to Heaven; but his chief Mark of a Child of God, is, to be good to God's Ministers, And hence it is he calls his Preachment Manna, fitted not to his Hearers Necesity but their Palate ; for 'tis to feed himself, not them. If he chance to tire, he refreshes himself with the People's Hum, as a Collar of Bells to chear up a Pack horse. 'Tis no wonder he'll Preach, but that any will hear him, (and his. constant Auditors do but Thew the length of their Ears ;) for he is fuch an Αβελη esκόκκωξ, that to hear him makes good Scholars sick, but to read him is Death. Yet though you hear him three Hours, he'll ask a fourth, as the Beggar at Delph craves your Charity because he eats four pound of Bread at & Meal. 'Twas from his Larum the Watchmakers learn'd their infinite Screm. His Glass and Textare equally handled, that is, once an Hour: Nay, sometimes he fallies and never returns, and then we should leave hiin to the Company of Lorimers for

he must be held with Bit and Bridle. Who ever once has been at his Church can never doubt the History of Balaam. If he have got any new Tale or Expreslion, 'tis easier to make Stones speak, than him to hold his Peace. He hates a Church where there is an Echo, for it robs him of his dear. Repetition, and confounds the Auditory as well as he. But of all Mortals I admire the Short-Hand-Men, who have the Patience to write from his Mouth: Had they the Art to shorten it into Sense, they might write his whole Sermon on the back of their Nail. For his Invention consists in finding a way to speak nothing upon any thing; and were he in the Grand Seignior's Power, he would lodge him with his Mutes ; for Nothing, and Nothing to purpol, are all one. 1 wonder in Conscience he can preach againft Sleeping at his Opium-Sermons. He Preaches indeed both in Season and our of Scaron; for he rails at Popery, when the Land is almost loft in Prera bytery ; and would cry out, fire, Fire, in Noah's Flood. Yet all this he foals with bis Hands, that in this Sense tou his Preaching is an Hindi


[ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors]

craft. Nor can we complain that Plays are put down while he can preach ; fave only his Sermons have worse Sense and less Truth. But he blew down the Srage, and preach'd up the Scaffold. And very wisely, left Men should irack him, and find where he pilfers all his best Similies, (the only thing wherein he is commendable, St. Paul himself having culld Sentences from Menander's Thais, though 'twas his worst, that is, unchast Comedy.) Sometimes the Asembler will venture at the Original, and then (with the Translator of Don Quixot) he mistakes Sobs and Sighs for Eggs and Col. lops. But commonly (for want of Greek and Latin) he learns Hebrew, and ftreight is illuminated, that is Mad his Brain is broke by a Brick-bat cast from the Tower of Babel. And yet this empty windy Teacher has lectured a War quite round the Kingdom: He has found a Circulation of Blood for Destruction (as famous Harvey for Preservation of Mankind. 'Twas ea. sie to foresee a great Mortality, when Ravens were heard in all Corporations: For, as Multitude of Frogs presage a Pestilence, fo croaking Lecturers FS


[ocr errors]


foretold an Asembly. Men come to Church, as the Great Alexander went to Sacrifice, led by Crows. You have seen a small Elder tree grow in Chinks and Clefts of Church-Walls, it seems rather a Weed than a Tree ; which, lend it Growth, makes a Rent in the Wall, and throws down the Church. Is not this the Asembler ? grown from Schifms, (which himself begot) and, if permitted, will make the Church but à Floor or Church Tard. Yet for all this, he will be call'd, Christ's Minister and Saint, as the Rebels against King John were the Army of God. Sure when they meet they cannot but fmile, for the dullest amongst them needs must know that they all cheat the People ;. such gross, low Impostors, that we die the Death of the Emperor Claudius, poy fond by Mulliromes. The old Hereticks had Skill and Learning, (fome excuse for a Seduced Church) those were Scholars, but these Assemblers ; whose very Brains (as Manicheus's Skin) are stuffed with chaff. For they ftudy little and preach much, ever fick of a Diabetes Nor do they Read, but Weed Authors, picking up cheap and refuse Notes,


that, with Caligula, they gather Coc-
kle Shells, and with Domitian, retire:
into their Study to catch Flies. At
Fafts and Thanksgivings the Assembler is,
the State's Trumpet ; for then he doth
not preach, but is blown ; proclaims
News very loud, the Trumpet and his
Forehead being both of one Mettal.
(And yet, good Man, he still prays
for Boldness.) He hackneys out his
Voice, like a Crier ; and is a kind of
Spiritual Agitant, receives Orders,
and spreads them. In earnest, the
States can't want this Tool, for with-
out him the Saints would scarce affem-
ble. And if the Zealots chance to fly
out, they are charm'd home by this
Sounding Brass. There is not on Earth
a baser Sycophant ; for he eyer is
chewing fome Vote or Ordinance ; and
tells the People how savoury it is ;,
like him who lick'd up the Emperor's
Spittle, and swore 'twas sweet. Would
the Two Houses give him Cathedral
Lands, he would prove Lords and
Commons to be Jure Divino : But,
should they offer him the Self-denying
Ordinance, he would justify the De-
vil, and curfe them to their Faces, (his
Brother Kirk-Man did it in Scotland.)

[ocr errors]
« НазадПродовжити »