The Scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those that the Scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss; but those that they oppose and condemn, must perish for evermore. Oh! this word, "For the Scriptures cannot be broken," would rend the caul of my heart; and so would that other, "Whose sins ye remit, they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain, they are retained." Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge, those that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

Oh! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me, (as sometimes I thought every one of them did,) more, I say, than any army of forty thousand men that might come against me. Woe be to him against whom the Scriptures bend themselves!

By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I had before; for I lay now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by e thundering of his justice; this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.

By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times, yet like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw. Formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise,

Now therefore was I glad to catch at that word, which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise, that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I would labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof. Oh! what did I see in that blessed 6th chapter of St. John: "And him that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out." Now I began to consider that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also with myself, that he spake not his words in haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness. (2 Sam. iii. 28.)

I would in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise, as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire; concluding, though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear, on this will I rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed 6th chapter of St. John. I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort, though, oh, how welcome would it have been unto me! But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! it was that I hunted for.

Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever, I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from him, as with a flaming sword. Then would I think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to law. (Esther iv. 16.) I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy, (1 Kings xx. 31.) &c. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, (Matt. xv. 22,) &c., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, (Luke i. 5, 6, 7, 8,) &c., were also great encouragement to me.

I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins do draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had

Testimony

twice as much as he had before. (Job xlii. 13.) Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did. I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it; it was go out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. [After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them; while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was his last supper with his disciples before his death, that Scripture, "Do this in remembrance of me," was a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptation did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof; that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies; and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it were from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was because I did not with that reverence that became me, at first approach to partake thereof.

Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease; but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same Scripture, by which my soul was visited before; and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord's body, as

broken for my sins, and that his precious blood had been shed for my transgressions.

Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examina tion after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.

But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in my holy duties; my wanderings of heart, my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, his ways and people, with this at the end of all, "Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these the tokens of a blessed man ?"

At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me, for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen; now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, "Live I must not, die I dare not." Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, “Ye are justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus spoken to me: "Sinner, thou thinkest, that because of thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold, my Son is by me, and upon him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with him." At this I was greatly enlightened in my mind, and made to under stand, that if God could justify a sinner at any time, it was but his looking upon Christ, and

imputing of his benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

And as I was thus in a muse, that Scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, "Not by the works of righteousness that we have done, but according to his mercy he hath saved us." Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, "Let me die." Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw, "We shall never live indeed, till we be gone to the other world." Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, "Heirs of God," than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. "Heirs of God!" God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

Again, I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly, (for I find that he is much for assaulting the soul when it begins to approach towards the grave; then is his opportunity,) labouring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever, (should I now die,) I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel's carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, "So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world." This did sweetly revive my spirits, and help me to hope in God; which when had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?' At this I became both well in my body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life I was also so overrun in my soul with a sense

less heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other afliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to

me.

After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, "I must go to Jesus," at this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, "Wife,” said I, “is there ever such a Scripture, 'I must go to Jesus?" She said she could not tell; therefore I stood musing still, to see if I could remember such a place; I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, " And to an innumerable company of angels;" and withal the 12th chapter of Hebrews, about the Mount Sion was set before mine eyes.

Then with joy I told my wife, "Oh! now I know, I know!" But that night was a good. night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God's people, that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the 12th chapter of the Hebrews was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this.

The words are these: Ye are come to Mount Sion, to the city of the living God, to the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the first-born, which are written in heaven; to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus, the Mediator of the New Testament, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel." Through this sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me!

doubt,

resolve

AND now I am speaking my experience, I | will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God's dealing with me in that particular also. After I had been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon him; some of the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his will in his holy and blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing at sometimes, to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.

To which, though at the first it did much dash, and abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to their request, and did twice, at two several assemblies, but in private, though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.

After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet, I did not, nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also, the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.

Wherefore to be brief, at last, being still de

sired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the Gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain glory, for at that time 1 was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.

But yet I could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians: "I beseech you, brethren, (ye know the household of Stephanus, that it is the first fruits of Achaia, that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints,) that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth."

By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do. "They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints." This Scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God. I have also been encouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other ancient histories. (Acts viii. 4, and xviii. 24, 25. 1 Peter iv. 10. Rom. xii. 6. Fox's Acts and Monuments.)

Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy, yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weak.

ness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed Gospel that God has showed me in the holy word of truth; which when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon divers and sundry accounts.

And I thank God, that he gave unto me Bome measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless it, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience, in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his servant; for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched and greatly afflicted in thei.nds at ine apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.

But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who were thus touched, would love me, and have a particular respect for me; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God; they would also bless God for me, (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were; then began I to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in his work such a foolish one as I, and then came that word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, "The blessing of them that were ready to perish is come upon me; yea, I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy."

At this therefore, I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me; I thought on those sayings, "Who is he that maketh me glad, but the same that is made sorry by me?" And again, "Though I be not an apostle to others, yet doubtless I am unto you; for the seal of my apostleship are ye in the Lord." These things therefore, were as another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood by me in this work.

In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where his word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and

to open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and the guilt of my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience; I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.

Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that firs in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.

Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which the Lord came in upon my soul with some sure peace and comfort through Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed grace through him. Wherefore now I altered in my preaching, (for still I preached what I saw and felt ;) now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all his offices, relations, and benefits unto the world, and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things also I stayed as long as on the other.

After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. And when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God, about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according to the Scriptures, in a way of preaching.

When I had been preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to God that he would make the word effectual.