kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me, for he called whom he would. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, "Would I had been born in their clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I had been by and had heard him when he called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also! But, oh! I feared he would not call me.” And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and showed me nothing, either that I was already, or should be called hereafter. But at last, after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be a partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: "I will cleanse their blood, that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion." (Joel iii. 21.) These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr. Gifford of me, who himself took all occasion to talk with me; and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him converse with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wickedness of my heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, it now began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heavit would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to hinder him from flying. en; Nay, I thought, now I grow worse and worse; now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before; wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had a love for me: alas I could neither hear him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savour any of his things. I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises; and as soon I should have done it: All my sense and feeling was against me: and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn. These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ, "who while he was yet coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that he lay and wallowed foam. ing." Further, in these days, I should find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against his holy word; I have found my unbe lief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door to keep him out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, “Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder." (Psalm cvii. 16.) Yet that word would some times create in my heart a peaceable pause, "I girded thee, though thou hast not known me. ." (Isaiah xlv. 5.) But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more tender than now: I durst not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how cautiously did I then go in all I did or said! I found myself in a、 miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only he showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness, to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus Christ. But my original and inward pollution; that, that was my plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than a toad, and I thought I was so in God's eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better | heart than I had; I could have changed hearts with anybody; I thought none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore, at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair, for I concluded that this condition I was in, could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder, the one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this Tife, as if they should live here always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with "outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, &c. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! If they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burthens. "A wounded spirit who can bear?" And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind; for I found that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going off without it, (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away,) then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment of sin into hell-fire upon my spirits; and would cry, "Lord, let it not go off my heart, but by the right way, by the blood of Christ, and the application of thy mercy, through him, to my soul; for that Scripture did lay much upon me, "Without shedding of blood there is no redemption." And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, because I had seen some who, though they were under the wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet feeling rather present ease for their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and re wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry unto God the more, that it might not be so with me. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a reprobate. I counted man, as unconverted, the most doleful of all creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much godliness of heart, as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, &c.; I blessed their con- ? dition, for they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs. In this condition I went a great while; but when the comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the Song, "Behold, thou art fair, my love; tehold, thou art fair." But at that time he made these two words, "my love," his chief and subject-matter; from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: "1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless. 2. Christ's love without a cause. Christ's love, which hath been hated of the world. 4. Christ's love when under temptation and under destruction. 5. Christ's love, from first to last." 3. But I got nothing from what he said at present; only when he came to the applica- | called me; being at a great distance, methought tion of the fourth particular, this was the word he said: "If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love, when under temptation and destruction; then poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptations, and the hidings of face, yet think on those two words, 'my love,' still." So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, 'What shall I get by thinking on these two words?" This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit: "Thou art my love, thou art my dove," twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, "but is it true? but is it true?" at which that sentence fell upon me, "He wist not that it was true, which was come unto him of the angel." Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, "Thou art my love, thou art my love, and nothing shall separate thee from my love." And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins would be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of his love, and have told of his mercy to me, even to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me; wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this down before I go any farther; for surely I will not forget this forty years hence; but alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again, which made me begin to question all still. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much followed by this Scripture; "Simon, Simon, behold Satan hath desired to have you:" and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it were, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man behind me, had he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me; but I understood it not. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but methinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words Simon, Simon, sounded in my ears. I thought, verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud meant me. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound, (which I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming;) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of this Scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, it should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears. But, as I said before, I soon perceived the end of God therein. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another; first, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the Scriptures were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up question in me against the very being of God, and of his only beloved Son; as whether there were in truth a God, or Christ? and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God. The tempter would also much assault me with this, "How can you tell but that the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus? And, could I think, that so many ten thousands in so many countries and ingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven, (if there were indeed a heaven,) and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans; and |