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and throws the poker at my head. Very well! then Henry gives a kind of aguish shake, and getting up, sighs from the bottom of his heart; then holding up his head like a king, zays, "Varmer, I have too long been a burden to you. Heaven protect you, as you have me. Farewell! I go." Then I zays, "If thee doez I'll be smashed." (With great energy.) Hollo! you Mister Sir Philip! you may come in.

(Enter Sir Philip Blandford.)

Zur, I have argified the topic, and it wouldn't be pretty; zo I can't.

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Ash. Well, zur, there is but another word: I won't.

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Ash. No, zur, I won't. I'd see myself hanged first, and you too, zur! I would indeed. (Bowing.)

Sir. P. You refuse then to obey ?

Ash. I do zur; at your zarvice. (Bowing.)

Sir P. Then the law must take its course.

Ash. I be zorry for that too. I be, indeed, zur; but if corn wou'dn't grow I cou'dn't help it; it wer'n't poisoned by the hand that zowed it. Thic hand, zur, be as free from guilt as your own. Good morning to you. I do hope I have made myself agreeable; and zo I'll go whoam. (Exeunt.)

INDIGESTION.

SELECTION XVII.

DR. GREGORY-PATIENT.-Anonymous.

SCENE. Dr. Gregory's study. Enter a plump Glasgow merchant. Patient. Good morning, Dr. Gregory; I'm just come into Edinburgh about some law business, and I thought when I was here, at any rate, I might just as weel take your advice, sir, about my trouble.

Doctor. Pray sir, sit down. And now, my good sir, what may your trouble be?

Pa. Indeed doctor, I'm not very sure; but I'm thinking t's a kind of weakness that makes me dizzy at times, and a kind of pinkling about my stomach-I'm just na right.

Dr.

You are from the west country, I should suppose, sir? Pa. Yes, sir, from Glasgow.

Dr. Ay; pray, sir, are you a glutton?

Pa. God forbid, sir, I'm one of the plainest men living in all the west country.

Dr.

Then perhaps you are a drunkard?

Pa. No, Dr. Gregory; thank God, no one can accuse me

of that; I'm of the dissenting persuasion, doctor, and an elder, so ye may suppose I'm na drunkard.

Dr. I'll suppose no such thing till you tell me your mode of life. I'm so much puzzled with your symptoms, sir, that I should wish to hear in detail what you do eat and drink. When do you breakfast, and what do you take at it?

Pa. I breakfast at nine o'clock, tak a cup of coffee, and one or two cups of tea, a couple of eggs, and a bit of ham or kippered salmon, or, may be, both, if they're good, and two or three rolls and butter.

Dr. Do you eat no honey, or jelly, or jam, at breakfast? Oh yes, sir; but I don't count that as any thing. Come, this is a very moderate breakfast.

Pa.
Dr

of a dinner do you make?

What kind

Pa. Oh, sir, I eat a very plain dinner indeed. Some soup, and some fish, and a little plain roast or boiled; for I dinna care for made dishes; I think, some way, they never satisfy the appetite.

Dr. You take a little pudding then, and afterwards some cheese?

Pa.

your cheese?

Pa. Oh yes! though I don't care much about them. Dr. You take a glass of ale or porter with Yes, one or the other; but seldom both. Dr. You west-country people generally take a glass of Highland whiskey after dinner.

Pa. Yes, we do; it's good for digestion.

Dr. Do you take any wine during dinner?

Pa.

Yes, a glass or two of sherry, but I'm indifferent as to

wine during dinner. I drink a good deal of beer.

Dr.

Pa.

What quantity of port do you drink?

Oh, very little; not above half a dozen glasses, or so. Dr. In the west country, it is impossible, I hear, to dine without punch?

Pa. Yes, sir; indeed 'tis punch we drink chiefly; but for myself, unless I happen to have a friend with me, I never take more than a couple of tumblers, or so, and that's moderate.

Dr. Oh, exceedingly moderate indeed! You then, after this slight repast, take some tea and bread and butter?

Pa. Yes, before I go to the counting-house to read the evening letters.

Dr. And on your return you take supper, I suppose?

Pa. No, sir, I canna be said to tak supper; just something before going to bed; a rizzered haddock, or a bit of toasted cheese, or a half hundred of oysters or the like o' that, and may be, two thirds of a bottle of ale; but I tak no regular supper.

Dr. But you take a little more punch after that?

Pa. No, sir, punch does not agree with me at bedtime I tak a tumbler of warm whiskey-toddy at night; it is lighter to sleep on.

Dr. So it must be, no doubt. This, you say, is your everyday life; but upon great occasions, you perhaps exceed a little? Pa. No, sir, except when a friend or two dine with ine, or I dine out, which as I am a sober family man, does not often happen.

Dr. Not above twice a week?

Pa. No; not oftener.

Dr. Of course you sleep well and have a good appetite? Pa. Yes, sir, thank God, I have; indeed, any ill health that I have is about meal time.

Dr. (Assuming a severe look, knitting his brow, and lowering his eyebrows.) Now, sir, you are a very pretty fellow indeed; you come here and tell me you are a moderate man; but upon examination, I find by your own showing, that you are a most voracious glutton. You said you were a sober man, yet by your own showing you are a beer-swiller, a dram-drinker, a wine-bibber, and a guzzler of punch. You tell me you eat indigestible suppers, and swill toddy to force sleep.-I see that you chew tobacco.-Now, sir, what human stomach can stand this? Go home, sir, and leave your present course of riotous living, and there are hopes that your stomach may recover its tone, and you be in good health, like your neighbors.

Pa. I'm sure, doctor, I'm very much obliged to you—(taking out a bundle of bank notes.)—I shall endeavor to

Dr. Sir, you are not obliged to me-put up your money, sir. Do you think I'll take a fee for telling you what you know as well as myself? Though you're no physician, sir, you are not altogether a fool. Go home. sir, and reform, or take my word for it, your life is not worth half a year's purchase.

SELECTION XVIII.

CAPTAIN TACKLE-JACK BOWLIN.- —Anonymous

Bowlin. Good day to your honor.

Captain. Good day, honest Jack.

Bowl. To-day is my captain's birth-day.

Capt. I know it.

Bowl. I am heartily glad on the occasion.
Capt. I know that too.

Bowl. Yesterday your honor broke your sea-foam pipe. Capt. Well, sir booby, and why must I be put in mind of it? it was stupid enough, to be sure, but hark ye, Jack, all men at times do stupid actions, but I never met with one who liked to be reminded of them.

Bowl. I meant no harm, your honor. It was only a kind of introduction to what I was going to say. I have been buying this pipe-head and ebony tube, and if the thing is not too bad, and my captain will take such a present on his birth-day for the sake of poor old Jack

Capt. Is that what you would be at-come, let's see.

Bowl. To be sure it is not sea-foam; but my captain must think when he looks at it, that the love of old Jack was not mere foam neither.

Capt. Give it here, my honest fellow.

Bowl. You will take it?

Capt. To be sure I will.

Bowl. And will smoke it?

Capt.

That I will. (Feeling in his pocket.)

Bowl. And will not think of giving me any thing in return? Capt. (Withdrawing his hand from his pocket.) No, no.You are right.

Bowl. Huzza! now let mother Grimkin bake her almond cakes out of her daily pilferings and be hanged.

Capt. Fie, Jack! what's that you say?

Bowl. The truth. I have just come from the kitchen, where she is making a great palaver about "her cake," and "her cake," and yet this morning she must be put in mind that it was her master's birth-day. Hang me, I have thought of nothing

else this month.

Capt. And because you have a better memory, you must plame the poor old woman. Shame on you, Jack.

Bowl. Please your honor, she is an old

Capt.

Avast!

Bowl. Yesterday she made your wine cordial of sour beer, so to-day she makes you an almond cake of

Capt. Hold your tongue, sir. Hold your tongue.

Bowl. A'nt you obliged to beg the necessaries of life as if she were a pope or an admiral? And last year when you was bled, though she had laid up chest upon chest full of linen, and all yours, if the truth was known, yet no bandage was found till I tore the spare canvas from my Sunday shirt to rig your honor's arm.

Capt. You are a scandalous fellow. (Throws the pipe back to him.) Away with you and the pipe to the dogs.

Bowl. (Looking attentively at his master and the pipe.) I am a scandalous fellow?

Capt. Yes!

Bowl. Your honor will not have the pipe?

Capt. No; I will take nothing from him who would raise his own character at the expense of another old servant. (Jack takes up the pipe and throws it out of the window.) you doing?

Bowl. Throwing the pipe out of the window.
Capt. Are you mad?

What are

Bowl. Why, what should I do with it? You will not have it, and it is impossible for me to use it, for as often as I should puff away the smoke, I should think, "old Jack Bowlin, what a pitiful scamp you must be, a man whom you have served honestly and truly these thirty years, and who must know you from stem to stern, says you are a scandalous fellow," and the thought would make me weep like a child. But when the pipe is gone, I shall try to forget the whole business, and say to myself, "my poor old captain is sick, and does not mean what he said."

Capt. Jack, come here. (Takes his hand.) I did not mean what I said.

Bowl. ( (Shakes his hand heartily.) I knew it, I knew it. I have you and your honor at heart, and when I see such an old hypocritical bell-wether cheating you out of your hard-earned wages, it makes my blood boil

Capt. Are you at it again? Shame on you. You have opened your heart to-day, and given me a peep into its lowest hold.

Bowl. So much the better! for you will then see that my ballast is love and truth to my master. But hark ye, master, it is certainly worth your while to inquire into the business.

Capt. And hark ye, fellow, if I find you have told me a lie, I'll have no mercy on you. I'll turn you out of doors to starve

in the street.

Bowl. No, captain, you won't do that.

Capt. But I tell you I will, though. I will do it. And if you say another word, I'll do it now.

Bowl. Well, then away goes old Jack to the hospital. Capt. What's that you say? hospital? hospital, you rascal? what will you do there?

Bowl. Die.

Capt. And so you will go and die in a hospital, will you? Why-why-you lubber, do you think I can't take care of you after I have turned you out of doors, hey?

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