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knowledge which is brought out to insult me, may accidentally improve me; and in the rich man's houses and pictures, his parks and gardens, I have a temporary usufruct at least. But the display of married happiness has none of these palliatives : it is throughout pure, unrecompensed, unqualified insult.
Marriage by its best title is a monopoly, and not of the Jeast invidious sort. It is the cunning of most possessors of any exclusive privilege to keep their advantage as much out of sight as possible, that their less-favoured neighbours, seeing little of the benefit, may the less be disposed to question the right. But these married monopolists thrust the most obnoxious part of their patent into our faces.
Nothing is to me more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a new-married couple--in that of the lady particularly; it tells you, that her lot is disposed of in this world ; that have no hopes of her. It is true, I have none; nor wishes either perhaps ; but this is one of those truths which ought,
said before, to be taken for granted, not expressed. The excessive airs which those people give themselves, founded on the ignorance of us unmarried people, would be more offensive if they were less irrational. We will allow them to understand the mysteries belonging to their own craft better than we who have not had the happiness to be made free of the company: but their arrogance is not content within these limits. If a single person presume to offer his opinion in their presence, though upon the most indifferent subject, he is immediately silenced as an incompetent person. Nay, a young married lady of my acquaintance, who, the best of the jest was, had not changed her condition above a fortnight before, in a question on which I had the misfortune to differ from her, respecting the properest mode of breeding oysters for the London market, had the assurance to ask with a sneer how such an old bachelor as I could pretend to know anything about such matters.
But what I have spoken of hitherto is nothing to the airs which these creatures give themselves when they come, as they generally do, to have children. When I consider how little of a rarity children are—that every street and blind alley swarms with them that the poorest people commonly have them in most abundance—that there are few marriages that are not blessed with at least one of these bargains—how often they turn out ill, and defeat the fond hopes of their parents, taking to vicious courses, which end in poverty, disgrace, the gallows, &c., I cannot for my lie tell what cause
for pride there can possibly be in having them. If they were young phenixes, indeed that were born but one in a year, there might be a pretext But when they are so common
I do not advert to the insolent merit which they assuria with their husbands on these occasions. Let them look to that. But why we, who are not their natural-born subjects, should be expected to bring our spices, myrrh, and incenseour tribute and homage of admiration—I do not see.
“Like as the arrows in the hand of the giant, even so are the young children :" so says the excellent office in our Prayer-book appointed for the churching of women.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them :" so say I; but then don't let him discharge his quiver upon us that are weaponless ; let them be arrows, but not to gall and stick
I have generally observed that these arrows are doubleheaded ; they have two forks, to be sure to hit with one or the other. As, for instance, where you come into a house which is full of children, if you happen to take no notice of them (you are thinking of something else, perhaps, and turn a deaf ear to their innocent caresses) you are set down as untractable, morose, a hater of children. On the other hand, if you find them more than usually engaging if you are taken with their pretty manners, and set about in earnest to romp and play with them, some pretext or other is sure to be found for sending them out of the room; they are too noisy or boisterous, or Mr. does not like children. With one or other of these forks the arrow is sure to hit you.
I could forgive their jealousy, and dispense with toying with their brats, if it gives them any pain; but I think it unreasonable to be called upon to love them, where I see no ocEasion- to love a whole family, perhaps eight, nine, or ten, indiscriminately--to love all the pretty dears, because children are so engaging.
I know there is a proverb, “ Love me, love my dog ;" that is not always so very practicable, particularly if the dog be set upon you to tease you or snap at you in sport. But a dog or a lesser thing-any inanimate substance, as a keepsake, a watch, or a ring, a tree, or the place where we last parted when my friend went away upon a long absence, I can make shift to love, because I love him, and anything that reminds me of him; provided it be in its nature indifferent, and apt to receive whatever hue fancy can give it. But children have a real character and an essential being of themselves: they are amiable or unamiable per se ; I must love or hate them as i sve cause for either in their qualities. A child's nature is : 90 serious a thing to admit of its being regarded as a mere yppendage to another being, and to be loved or hated accordingly: they stand with me upon their own stock, as much as men and women do. Oh! but
will say, sure it is an attractive age--there is something in the tender years of infancy that of itself charms us. That is the very reason why I im more nice about them. I know that a sweet child is the sweetest thing in nature, not even excepting the délicate creatures which bear them; but the prettier the kind of a thing is, the more desirable it is that it should be pretty of its kind. One daisy differs not much from another in glory; but a violet should look and smell the daintiest. I was always rather squeamish in my women and children.
But this is not the worst: one must be admitted into their familiarity at least, before they can complain of inattention It implies visits, and some kind of intercourse. But if the husband be a man with whom you have lived on a friendly footing before marriage—if you did not come in on the wife's side-if
you did not sneak into the house in her train, but were an old friend in fast habits of intimacy before their courtship was so much as thought on-look about you—your tenure is precarious—before a twelvemonth shall roll over your head you shall find your old friend gradually grow cool and altered towards you, and at last seek opportunities of breaking with
you. I have scarce a married friend of my acquaintance, upon whose firm faith I can rely, whose friendship did not commence after the period of his marriage. With some limitations they can endure that; but that the good man should have dared to enter into a solemn league of friendship in which they were not consulted, though it happened before they knew him-before they that are now man and wife ever mei-this is intolerable to them. Every long friendship, every old authentic intimacy, must be brought into their office to be new stamped with their currency, sovereign prince calls in the good old money that was coined in some reign before he was born or thought of, to be new marked and minted with the stamp of his authority, before he will let it pass current in the world. You may guess what luck generally befalls such a rusty piece of metal as I am in these neue mintings.
Innumerable are the ways which they take to insult and worm you out of their husband's confidence. Laughing at all you say with a kind of wonder, as if you were a queer kind of fellow that said good things, but an oddity, is one of the ways: they have a particular kind of stare for the purpose -ill at last the husband, who used to defer to your judgment, and would pass over some excrescences of understanding and
manner foi the sake of a general vein of observation (not quite vulgar) which he perceived in you, begin to suspect whether you are not altogether a humourist-a fellow well enough to have consorted with in his bachelor days, but not quite so proper to be introduced to ladies. This may be called the staring way; and is that which has oftenest been put in practice against me.
Then there is the exaggerating way, or the way of irony : that is, where they find you an object of especial regard with their husband, who is not so easily to be shaken from the lasting attachment founded on esteem which he has conceived towards you, by never-qualified exaggerations to cry up all that you say or do, till the good man, who understands well enough that it is all done in compliment to him, grows weary of the debt of gratitude which is due to so much candour, and by relaxing a little on his part, and taking down a peg or two in his enthusiasm, sinks at length to the kindly level of moderate esteem—that “ decent affection and complaçent kindness” towards you, where she herself can join in sympathy with him without much stretch and violence to her sincerity.
Another way (for the ways they have to accomplish so desirable a purpose are infinite) is, with a kind of innocent simplicity, continually to mistake what it was which first made their husband fond of you. If an estecm for something excellent in your moral character was that which riveted the chain which she is to break, upon any imaginary discovery of a want of poignancy in your conversation, she will cry, “I thought, my dear, you described your friend, Mr. great wit.” If, on the other hand, it was for some supposed charm in your conversation that he first grew to like you, and was content for this to overlook some trifling irregularities in your moral deportment, upon the first notice of any of these she as readily exclaims, “ This, my dear, is your good Mr.
One good lady whom I took the liberty of expostulating with for not showing me quite so much respect as I thought due to her husband's old friend, had the candour to confess to me that she had often heard Mr. speak of me before mar riage, and that she had conceived a great desire to be as quainted with me, but that the sight of me had very much lie appointed her expectations; for from her husband's rep sa tations of me, she had formed a notion that she was see . fine, tall, officer-like looking man, (I use her very words, the very reverse of which proved to be the truth
This was candid ; and I had the civility not to ask her, in return, how she came to pitch upon a standard of personal accomplish. ments for her husband's friends which differed so much from
his own; for my friend's dimensions as near as possible approximate to mine; he standing five feet five in his shoes, in which I have the advantage of him by about half an inch; and he, no more than myself, exhibiting any indications of a martial character in his air or countenance.
These are some of the mortifications which I have encountered in the absurd attempt to visit at their houses. To enumerate nem
yould be a
ain endeavour : I shall there. fore just glance at the very common impropriety of which married ladies are guilty, of treating us as if we were their husbands, and vice versâ. I mean, when they use us with familiarity, and their husbands with ceremony. Testacea, for instance, kept me the other night two or three hours beyond my usual time of supping, while she was fretting because Mr. did not come home till the oysters were all spoiled, rather than she would be guilty of the impoliteness of touching one in his absence. This was reversing the point of good manners : for ceremony is an invention to take off the uneasy feeling which we derive from knowing ourselves to be less the object of love and esteem with a fellow-creature than some other person is. It endeavours to make up, by superior attentions in little points, for that invidious preference which it is forced to deny in the greater. Had Testacca kept the oysters back for me, and withstood her husband's importunities to go to supper, she would have acted according to the strict rules of propriety. I know no ceremony that ladies are bound to observe to their husbands, beyond the point of a modest behaviour and decorum: therefore I must protest against the vicarious gluttony of Cerasia, who at her own table sent away a dish of Morellas, which I was applying to with great good-will, to her husband at the other end of the table, and recommended a plate of less extraordinary gooseberries to my unwedded palate in their stead. Neither can I excuse the wanton affront of
But I am weary of stringing up all my married acquaintance by Roman denominations. Let them amerd and change their manners, or I promise to record the full-length English of their names, to the terror of all such desperate offenders in future.